Hello.

You’re probably not bothered about who the frig I am. In the age of internet neediness, I’ll tell you anyway. I’m Mof Gimmers and I’m looking after Hecklerspray for the week while normal Grande Fromage Mr Heritage is off swanning around the VD clinics of Europe like a depressed divorcee.

This, of course, is your opportunity to abuse me and the site and claim ‘It’s not as funny as it used to be’ over and over, until I self harm myself so badly that all I’m left with is diseased marrow. It’ll be fun.

Mof.

PS: I don’t know why you’re reading here. You didn’t really expect a short introduction to go on for hundreds of words did you?

I mean, what were you expecting? My CV containing the credentials I’ve got over the years to land this staggeringly unprestigious job? Geddouttatown.

In the ongoing saga of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ‘having some twins’, you would probably think the ridiculous media hysteria couldn’t get much worse.

Well, you’re wrong. Because they’ve finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple’s bundle of gametes – though fortunately there doesn’t seem to be a Bono in sight. That would be too much.

Popping up on Hello! and People over the weekend, the images show… some famous people with their newborn kids. Seriously – what did you expect? Hecklerspray hoped the photos would include explosions, a car chase et al, but those hopes were well and truly dashed on their release. Typical.

And to confound matters further it gets leaked that these pictures cost the magazines $14 million dollars. Now, granted, that’s only about £20 with today’s exchange rate – but the fact remains that a staggering amount of cashmoney was paid for some pictures. Of some young children. To show to people who have no actual connection with said children.

Rather than getting annoyed at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, for once we’re going to turn and pour scorn on everyone else in the world. Because, apparently, we live in a world where it is a sound business practice to pay fourteen million dollars for some pictures of some kids. Christ – we can’t even be annoyed at mum and dad as they’ve gone and donated their fee to charity, rather than throw it on their Scrooge McDuck-sized pile.

After the four-decade pregnancy, the ‘has she-hasn’t she had them’ crap that circulated when the couple ran off to France followed by the frighteningly standard names dished out to the sprogs, it comes as something of a disappointment that Brad and Angelina can’t top the whole saga off with a grand gesture.

Not that donating $14 million to charity isn’t a grand gesture – we just mean a grand gesture that we’d like to see. Like giving their good pals hecklerspray a few million to cover the bills (credit crunch, you see). Or by using the money to have a giant cannon built on the top of a mountain, which could be used to shoot any country seen to be being nasty to its orphans. That’s certainly something Brad and Angelina seem to care about, plus it’s entertaining enough to make other people in the world care.

But no – it’s been, gone and ended up in some charity coffers. So all we can do is point our accusing, sardonic finger in the direction of the stinking, smelly media. The media who will pay fourteen million dollars for some light captured on a digital imaging chip after it has reflected off the noggins of two famous people and the creased-up meatwads they have just birthed. This is the kind of world we live in.

The kind of world where Bono is not only allowed to be said meatwads’ godfather, but also the kind of world where he is allowed to go on living. There are some things in this world that just make you want to break down and openly weep. In public. While naked. At rush hour.

This is probably the best example we’ve ever come across.