Well all know that Kim Kardashian is the very pinnacle of media whoredom, leapfrogging other visionaries as Paris Hilton, Tulisa Contostavlos and the rest of the Kardashian sisters, to the crown of Most Annoying Slag 2012. And we all know why, because she wants to show everything that happens through the medium of television, even though her television shows are so tucked and trimmed that if they were pies, they would be the most disgusting tasting pies ever. Though they would look great.

But what happens when TV turns against her? We’ve seen public opinion of the Kardashian Klan flip recently with claims of her marriage being a sham; even her soon to be ex-husband is throwing some fuel onto the hair extension, Sketchers-advertising fire, with news reaching us that he wants to show the divorce trial ON TV.

In a move that will take the Kardashian/Humphries debacle into a whole new universe of meta-awareness, we’ll be watching them divorce live on TV! Which is very Matrix isn’t it?

You have to wonder which pill Kim took, just so we know which one not to take. It’s at times like this that we’d rather be in a pod, having our very essence drained from us, than know that somewhere Kim Kardashian is swanning around thinking she’s Queen Poop or something.

Kris Humphries and his lawyer, Lee Hutton, are wanting to “expose the M.O. of reality TV” by showing that K. Kardashian had as much intention of staying married to him than we do of using anything that the Kardashian Kartel advertise. Humphries is also claiming that Kim only wanted big ratings for her show. Which anyone could have told him. Helen Keller could have told him that.

According to TMZ, who would NEVER lie or speculate wildly, Kim has filed for divorce on the grounds of ‘irreconcilable differences’ which probably means he didn’t want to sit and brush her hair a hundred times each night, whereas he wants the marriage to be annulled on grounds of ‘fraud.’ Which is a bit scary isn’t it?

Just like every other Kardashian news, Kris Jenner has stuck her beaky beak in with some objections. She thinks that the publicity that Humphries has gained has made him a much more pleasing opportunity when it comes to marketing himself, even though having anything to do with that family will leave a 666 tattooed on your scalp, and that they drew up and long and complicated pre-nuptial agreement that Jenner is saying that Kim wouldn’t have bothered doing if she was only intending to stay married for a matter of days. Even though it was probably Jenner who drew up the agreement in the first place.

To be honest, seeing anyone wipe the self serving smile off any one of the Kardashian’s faces is A-OK with us. They’re very awful.

Lady Gaga has been praised for raising awareness for relief efforts in sorting Japan out after the dreadful tsunami that struck the country down. However, like the world’s most weirdly dressed graverobber, she’s been accused of pocketing a load of money that should’ve gone to blighted country.

Less Bad Romance and more bad finance. Sorry. That’s easily the worst joke we’ve ever written.

Anyway, there’s some federal class action lawsuiting going on which is pointing at Gaga and saying that she’s jacked up the shipping costs on the “We Pray for Japan” wristbands she was flogging and keeping a portion of the profits herself, despite saying that all proceeds would go to directly to relief efforts. In fairness, she has a very expensive wardrobe to pay for. Surely Japan doesn’t mind?

So which creditable law firm taking action against GaGa in an attempt to either a) Do the right thing or b) Shamelessly try and get attention by attaching a famous person’s name to their awful little business?

While most reputable lawfirms are called Smithers-Jones Associates or Campbell, Urine & Sons or whatever, this lot are, quite astonishingly, called 1-800-LAW-FIRM, which doesn’t half make them sound like ambulance chasers.

They say, from their office-cum-stationary cupboard:

“While we commend Lady Gaga for her philanthropic efforts, we want to ensure that claims that ‘all proceeds will be donated to Japan’s earthquake relief efforts’ are in fact true”

They also claim that tax was collected on the wristbands, which sold for $5 a piece. While it is true that tax shouldn’t be collected on a purely charitable donations, it is worth pointing out that pretty much every single act of charity from a celebrity is some kind of tax dodge.

That said, the chances of GaGa herself knowing too much about this is slim to piss-all. Musicians and politics don’t mix. They get an idea and then throw it to some bore to sort it all out for them. Basically, while 1-800-LAW-FIRM are pointing at GaGa, they may as well demand a refund from a toad in a hedge.

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga has been in Japan, and loving it.

“I can’t say enough to people all over the world that the majority of Japan right now, Japan in general, is very safe. It’s fine to come here. It’s beautiful.”

She then tried preparing sushi and died of food poisoning.

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In a move that isn’t designed in any shape or form to milk Michael Jackson fans dry, it had been planned by the Jackson estate to release an album full of unreleased material. Looking at our calendars it seems a slight convenience that Christmas is around the corner. Imagine the surprise on little Jimmy’s face as he tears off the wrapping paper and can celebrate Jesus’ birthday listening to a collection of new poptastic hits by his favourite dead pop star.

To Michael Jackson fans who constantly crave anything related to the singer, the possible release of a new album would most certainly result in bottles of Jesus Juice being uncorked.

However, despite their wackiness, they aren’t stupid enough to know that Joe Jackson has been whipping his corpse to force Michael to record a brand new album, recorded six feet under. The tracks are all “unreleased”, or in real terms. “Songs that didn’t make the cut from albums at the time because they were so awful that they weren’t even good enough, even for Janet Jackson.”

Suffice to say that any new material could see fans discovering an experimental side to Michael Jackson. Our spies have told us that tracks include Jackson yodelling instructions for making a good cup of coffee over some acid jazz and living up to his wacko name by singing the lyrics to some of the songs backwards! If you’re anything like us, a cold shower and quick lie down are in order to recover from this news.

Basically, if you do have any remote hopes that you’ll get another ‘Thriller’ or ‘Man In The Mirror’ then you might as well go and get someone to dangle you over a Berlin hotel balcony.

After shaking those idiotic thoughts out of your brain, prepare yourself for some mediocre rubbish that if released by another artist, would be laughed at by critics. But then again, Michael Jackson fans are a strange breed who’ll no doubt squeal in delight over anything new from him.

Even if there was a seven minute recording of Jackson spewing his ring out after eating a dodgy kebab.

So you’d half expect that any unreleased songs from Michael Jackson would be locked in a secure vault and hidden deep underground. That way, they’d be no chance of the songs leaking on to the internet or imposters releasing fakes online, they’d be easily identifiable as a forgery or the real deal wouldn’t they?

This would seem straight forward and simple, but nothing comes easy in the Jackson household. Like a scene out of a bad sitcom, the estate is flapping over the legitimacy of songs recorded in 2007 as they don’t believe they contain Jackson’s vocals. Digital Spy reports:

“The release of the previously unheard material has been thrown into chaos because the Jackson family believe that several tracks recorded in 2007 do not contain Michael’s vocals. His children are allegedly being asked if their father was present in New Jersey at the time of the recordings. A forensic audiologist has also been asked to analyse the tracks to determine if they feature the ‘Thriller’ star.”

Unless there is a clone of Michael Jackson somewhere, then surely it wouldn’t be that difficult to determine if it was him or not. For starters, if it was a woman singing then we can rule it as a fake. After all, Jackson couldn’t switch genders, so it might be best to let the fans decide if was the King of Sleepovers on record and not Jermaine or Tito being pesky imposters.

There is a bright side to all of this. If the album doesn’t get released in time for Christmas, then Jackson Cluedo could be released. Fun for all the family as everyone tries to work out if it was Janet Jackson in the recording studio with her terrible voice… and of course, you can all yell “Dr Conrad did it! In the study with the lethal injection!”

Well, you lot seem convinced anyway.

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If any of you happen to be offered a suspiciously cheap piece of Catholic property by a man with a funny accent, don’t hesitate to buy it.

Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway‘s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.

This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.

If we were Anne Hathaway – which, honestly, is something we only dream about for like four or five hours a day – then we’d go hell for leather for the next four and a half years. We’d make as many films as possible, do as many talk shows as possible, go to all the parties and get romantically linked with as many British entertainment bloggers as possible, because this is her one shot at success without the shadow of her shady ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri looming behind her.

By pretending to be the Vatican’s chief financial officer and waving around a letter that he said the Pope wrote him, Raffaello Follieri was able to con all sorts of people out of millions of dollars in ill-advised property scams, and now he’s been punished for it.

And punished for it in the worst possible way – for the next four and a half years, Raffaello Follieri is going to be the man who looks most like Zach Braff in the entire US prison system, something which can only logically end up with a string of harrowing angry gang rapes. AP reports:

“I dishonored my family name and embarrassed the church I love. I’ll never be able to wash away that stain, and I will have to live with it the rest of my life,” Raffaello Follieri, 30, said through an Italian interpreter before he was sentenced. “I just hope someday those who have been hurt by my actions can forgive me.”

That’s odd. We assumed that the judge would take pity on Raffaello Follieri’s argument that he only defrauded all those investors so that Anne Hathaway would love him. After all, everybody knows that deep down they’d kick a puppy into a flooded quarry if it meant that Anne Hathaway would even look at them for a second, so defrauding a couple of religious property types hardly seems like that big a deal.

But at least now this means that Anne Hathaway is free of Raffaello Follieri, the man who was starting to become a bit of an albatross around her neck, forever. Even once he’s been released from jail, Follieri is going to be instantly deported back to Italy, so their paths will never have to ever cross ever again.

Well, until Anne Hathaway invariably decides to make Get Smart 4: Mamma Mia, Thassa One Spicy Meatball! in his hometown 2014, at least. We can only pray that the icecaps melt and kill us all long before then.

No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song – unless you’re on trial in court, because that would just be stupid.

Try telling that to DMX, though. He’s currently up to his eyeballs in trouble – for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing – but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person.

True, bellowing “stand for something or fall for everything!” at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it’s a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming “I smell pussy!” at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.

DMX is widely regarded as an inspirational figure. He certainly is here at hecklerspray – the centrepiece of our office is a giant motivational poster featuring the phrase “The power of imagination makes us infinite” superimposed over a still of DMX angrily shouting at a car’s steering wheel from his X Gon Give It To Ya video.

That’s why DMX is dedicated to spreading his euphoric inspirational message to the biggest audience possible. But, having converted fans of gormlessly derivative hip-hop and straight-to-DVD action movies to his cause, DMX needed to break the ceiling and speak to the mass media.

Where can you usually find the mass media? Outside a court, that’s where. How do you get to stand outside a court? By just going up to a court and standing around outside it? No, that’s too route one for DMX – he decided that the best way to stand outside a court would be to get arrested for something.

So he did – DMX got arrested for driving badly and not wearing a seatbelt on a plane and hiding a gun under a car seat and faking his identity to avoid paying a hospital bill and burning the starving corpses of some dogs in his garden. Notice that DMX didn’t get arrested for being raped in his sleep by a woman. He tried, but apparently that isn’t even illegal.

Anyway, the plan worked. Yesterday DMX went to Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix for the identity theft arrest and, after pausing briefly to plead not guilty, rushed outside to give his long-awaited motivational rap to the awaiting media and thus the world. According to Reuters, that rap went something like this:

“If and when you ever fall down, get back up, drop something, stop fretting, pick that shit back up. Stand for something or fall for everything, wait for the right pitch or miss with every swing.”

And if you’ve felt a unexplained lightness in your step today, or the feeling of pressure being lifted from your shoulders, or the inexplicable urge to whistle a happy ditty on the way to work this morning, that’s why. Because DMX told you to pick some shit up yesterday.

You may thank DMX however you want for this. He’d probably prefer cash.

One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law – and that’ll be a story.

But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.

Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

There are basically two types of criminal in the world – evil, facially-scarred criminal masterminds who test the world’s notions of good and evil via a series of diabolical life or death morality games conceived to lure the Batman out of hiding, and really stupid criminals who only get arrested because they’re massive idiots.

Guess which one of these DMX is.

That’s right. DMX doesn’t break the law because he’s evil. All DMX wants is to paint the world rainbow-coloured with his sunny feelgood hits like Fuck Y’All, Kiss Of Death and Keep Your Shit The Hardest. Problem being, of course, that DMX is an idiot.

Since hecklerspray started, DMX has been arrested for an endlessly mind-boggling array of utterly pointless crimes. Like the time he crashed his car and told everyone that he was in the FBI.

Or the time that he didn’t want to fasten his seatbelt on a plane.

Or the time that he hid a gun from some police officers in a breathtakingly cack-handed way.

Or the time that police discovered the partially-burnt corpses of several malnourished dogs in his garden.

We could go on. But the point is that DMX is hardly a Bond villain, is he? Unless Quantum Of Solace turns out to be about 007 chasing a slightly dim rapper who tried to avoid paying a hospital bill in a really stupid way.

Because that’s what DMX has been arrested for this time. According to reports, DMX was arrested on suspicion of felony identity theft on Saturday after he attempted to give a fake identity and social security number to the hospital that treated him for pneumonia back in April.

DMX was arrested for this offence at a shopping mall in Phoenix but, before he was hauled off to the police station, DMX did perhaps the funniest thing anyone has ever done during an arrest. E! Online has details:

As he was being carted off by officers, the rapper turned to the hastily congregated group of local news cameras, said, “harrassment,” and shook his head.

Genius. Anyway, since this is the fifth time that DMX has been arrested within the space of three months, there’s every chance that he could wind up in jail if he’s convicted. That would be an absolute outrage, because pithy celebrity news blogs like us rely on DMX’s continued arsefaced stupidity for our livelihood.

What if DMX goes to jail? What will we have left to write about then? The occasional in-cell stabbing? A violent bumming or two? That’s boring. Free DMX! Or send him to jail. In retrospect we don’t actually care that much.

The world may go through some difficult changes in the next 25 years, but at least Lou Pearlman won’t give us any more crappy boybands.

That’s because Lou Pearlman has just been sentenced to 25 years in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy, money laundering and various other dodgy white-collar crap. Ironically, though, Lou Pearlman only got six months in jail for committing those crimes – the other 24.5 years were a punishment for inventing ‘N Sync.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Being the mastermind behind the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync didn’t affect Lou Pearlman’s sentence at all. He got given such a long sentence because he’s fat and creepy-looking. And you’re next, Santa!

Off the top of our head we can think of all kinds of atrocities that Lou Pearlman is responsible for. Because he put together ‘N Sync, Lou Pearlman’s to blame for that last Madonna single with Justin Timberlake not being very good. Because he managed Britney Spears‘ first girlband Innosense, he’s responsible for us having to look at Britney’s mouldy beaver every couple of minutes. And if he hadn’t created the Backstreet Boys, well, the alleged R Kelly sex tape would have had a completely different soundtrack.

But apparently you can’t go to jail for any of that. We know this because we researched it for a month back when Lou Pearlman was threatening the world with O-Town. Anyway, things you can go to jail for include conspiracy, money laundering and presenting a false claim in a bankruptcy court, and they’re all things that Lou Pearlman did as well, so it all balances out in the end.

Not that Lou Pearlman is your average money launderer, you understand – he’s apparently swindled thousands of people out of life savings worth roughly $300 million in one of the biggest Ponzi schemes in history. And then spent it all on hotdogs by the look of it, the big fat sod.

Back in March, Lou Pearlman admitted his crime – convincing the innocent to invest $2 million each in companies that only existed on paper – and now Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for it, as Reuters reports:

Boy band mogul Lou Pearlman, who launched the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, was sentenced on Wednesday to 25 years in prison for swindling investors and major U.S. banks out of more than $300 million… U.S. Judge G. Kendall Sharp held up a book with letters from Pearlman’s victims, saying they included “his family, his close friends and people in their 70s and 80s who have lost their life savings. So the sympathy factor doesn’t run high with the court,” Sharp said.

It’s good that Lou Pearlman was hit with such a gigantic sentence, because his crime was undoubtedly very serious. We were going to try and work out how much more serious Lou Pearlman’s 25 years in jail were than Nicole Richie’s 82 minutes in jail here, but then we started to smell burning coming from our brain so we decided to stop.

Anyway, that’s the last any of us will hear from Lou Pearlman until the year 2033. That is at least until he gets his new artist management scheme up and running in whatever cushy white-collar jail he’s sent to. He’s going to try and put together a boyband made of grisly old institutionalised convicted insider traders, you see. They’ll be called ‘M Bezzle. ‘M Bezzle. Get it? Anyone? ‘M Bezzle? Oh, whatever.

Read more:

Boy band mogul Pearlman sentenced to 25 years – Reuters

When N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys were but wee lads, Lou Pearlman decided to buy them for pennies on the dollar. After his purchase he thought it might be financially wise if he turned them all into a super awesome street dancing crew or something.

The young tots grasped dance so quickly he decided to make them sing too – a wise move. At their highest, N'Sync alone was trading for over thirteen dollars a share on the NASDAQ.

Pearlman's financial windfall made him both rich and wealthy and well-to-do. Also he got very fat and then he turned evil. That's why when he grew bored of making young boys dance he turned to ponzi schemes to bilk people out of millions of dollars.

And now it seems he might go to prison for it.

Boy bands are generally constituted of fellows who are very happy to learn others of them are gay. The rest of them are just happy to sing songs at Jamie Foxx . Still others fight for years to get out from under the fat thumb of Lou Pearlman, who is very fat.

But Pearlman, apparently, isn't just fat with blubber – he's also fat with evil. Part of Pearlman's evilness can clearly be seen in that he unleashed a rather unpleasant mid to late-nineties pop scene on us. The world is almost recovered now, but only thanks to something our friend Blitzkrieg Gary keeps calling 'uppers.' 

But Lou Pearlman's dark reach didn't end with so-so music – it stretched all the way to ponzi schemes, or so it seems. As the BBC worded it so perfectly:

"According to the 47-page plea agreement, Mr Pearlman has admitted enticing investors and banks to invest millions of dollars in two companies that "existed only on paper". Prosecutors counted at least 250 individual victims who lost $200m (£101m), plus 10 financial institutions that lost $100m (£50.6m)."

For those of you currently finding the determination to never buy any of Pearlman's musical products again, please just look in your souls and remember how awesome it was when the BS Boys were walking away from their Private Jet in slow motion for that one video. We heard Fidel Castro saw that bit and was so moved he made a tear-filled declaration for 15 minutes of democracy sometime in the fall of 1999. The whole island got it.

No seriously Google "Backstreet Boys" "Cuban Democracy" Video. Go on now – Google it.

Read More:

Boy Band Mogul Lou Pearlman Admits Role In Ponzi Scheme – Fox News

All Pamela Anderson wants from life is true love, preferably true love that ends after a couple of months and makes her look a bit foolish in retrospect.

And, God bless her, that's exactly what Pamela Anderson got with Rick Salomon – the man who she married, split up with, possibly got pregnant by, got back together with and is now seeking annulment from. 

Now it turns out that Pamela Anderson has cited 'fraud' to end her marriage to Rick Salomon. Now, you should remember that there are only a limited number of grounds for annulment and Pamela Anderson probably checked the 'fraud' box not because she'd literally been defrauded, but because there wasn't a more accurate explanation available to her, like 'I'm an emotionally-backwards airhead dicksplat.'

The end of a marriage is never easy, even when you're as massively experienced as Pamela Anderson. She's been divorced twice already, you see, to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and the last thing anyone wants is to become a three-time divorcee. That must be why Pamela Anderson is making such a pig's ear of splitting up with husband number three Rick Salomon.

You'll remember, of course, that Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon in October, then decided that she wanted to split up with him by December only to change her mind again a day later. It was all like Romeo And Juliet, really, but with none of the romance and the lead parts played by two idiots who fuck people on the internet for sport. And the ending wasn't quite as fun.

Anyway, yesterday the whole sorry mess came crashing to a definite close when Pamela Anderson chose to annul her marriage to Rick Salomon. Annulments are actually better than divorces, because it means technically you go back in time and the marriage never happened. You know, a bit like that thing you wished would happen after you saw Barb Wire for the first time.

But on what grounds did Pamela Anderson decide to get an annulment? Why, fraud of course. That's right, Pamela Anderson has decided to claim in her annulment papers that her whole marriage was a fraud from beginning to end. After all, that's what Renee Zellweger did, and she didn't look like an idiot, did she? Oh wait… The Boston Herald reports:

Serial bride Pamela Anderson has taken a page out of Renee Zellweger’s playbook and has filed for an annulment citing “fraud” to get rid of her hubby of four months, sex video peddler Rick Salomon. The former “Baywatch” babe – who married Paris Hilton’s sex-tape co-star in October, filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court the other day to end their union for the third time in as many months. In this new filing, Anderson cited “fraud” as the reason for annulling the marriage as opposed to the “irreconcilable differences” she named in the two previous filings. 

Fraud? Fraud? What on earth could be fraudulent about the Pamela Anderson/ Rick Salomon wedding? It certainly coundn't be their sex life, because anyone with a working internet connection and an empty stomach can quite easily see for themselves what Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are like in bed. And, let's be fair, neither of them are exactly clever enough to be Lovejoy, are they?

But anyway, at least the marriage is almost over, which leaves Pamela Anderson free to move onto the next poor schmuck she'll inevitably marry before the year is out. Who will that be? Judging by her previous records, Pamela Anderson will be looking for a shit-haired rock star who enjoys having it off with people on the internet.

Gene Simmons must be terrified.

Read more:

Oh the irony! Pam cites ‘fraud’ in split - Boston Herald