Karl Lagerfeld has the feminists and fat chicks bunching their panties in disgust over his latest outburst.

Remember. This is an outburst from an old man who works in the fashion industry.

We don’t know what magic mirror Lagerfeld is looking into, but despite looking like an anorexic-shell-less-tortoise/panda hybrid, Lagerfeld takes it upon himself to be the aesthetic judge of the universe. And this time, he’s decided to pass judgement on Adele. You can see where this is going can’t you?

However, we can’t help but think he has a point here: speaking of rotund songbird Adele , the spindly one said:

“She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

Right. And this is news to who? Lagerfeld might as well have stated that bears like to defecate in woods, or that Lindsay Lohan probably won’t be around to pick up her pension.

Considering his previous pearls of wisdom have included his theory on ugly men being the largest cause of Russian lesbianism, how no-one loves a fat chick and that all Greek have filthy habits, Adele got off pretty lightly. He didn’t even recycle a Yo Mumma joke or that one about fat chicks being like vespas.

Extra credit: Phil or Karl? Which quote is from loveable rogue Prince Phillip, and which is pure Karl.

1. Nobody wants Greece to disappear, but they have really disgusting habits. Italy as well.
2. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.
3. What are you doing here? Well, you didn’t have to come.
4. My thing is to work more than the others to show them how useless they are
5. (Talking about Beijing) Ghastly
6. Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!
7. I’m rather pro-prostitution
8. Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?
9. I have no human feelings
10. (Talking about Stoke-On-Trent) Ghastly

Answers on reverse of page

Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob.

Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies.

Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after he managed to, once again, get it firmly lodged between his gums during an interview on This Morning.

Holmboy was interviewing a woman who was described as a, “sex addict,” or slag as they’re oft’ known in certain parts of Essex, when he dared to ask her:

“If you need this five or six times a day, have you never thought about making a business of it? Charging for it?”

Taxi for Holmes.

It transpires that sex addicts don’t like it when you ask them why they don’t just become prostitutes, because apparently they’re people too.

Albeit people who like to blame their socially blossoming genitalia on an addiction, in the hope that people will feel sorry for them as opposed to questioning how many STIs they have or asking them if they’ve ever considered becoming a prostitute live on daytime TV.

THIS IS SERIOUS DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, you weren’t?

The bonking bonkers lady in question, Crystal Warren, curtly told Uncle Eamonn that she didn’t want to go on the game because:

“Then it becomes a business, then I become maybe like a robot. This way I am enjoying it, I do it when I want to do it, I get to choose who I sleep with.”

It’s the business side of prostitution that’s definitely the worst part of it, after all, who really knows how you go about claiming condoms as a tax-deductible expense?

Seriously. HMRC wouldn’t return our calls.

It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

The world’s most favouritest douchebag spent much of the day in hospital, before being released to recover at home, probably in a soiled wife beater and a trucker cap.

At the peak of his girth, Federline had reached a whopping 17stone, which doesn’t sound like much for an American, but being – as he is – an American that was supposed to be vaguely famous for something, this a HUGE deal.

Admittedly that thing he was famous for was having sperm so polluted that it sent Britney Spears batshit insane enough for her to marry him, shave her head, attack a car with an umbrella and hole up in her Hollywood mansion, in a weird Waco 90210 stand off.

We should applaud Federline for attempting to get back into shape, but he’s just so annoying it’s hard for us to even care whether or not this little episode was an actual problem with his heart, or indigestion caused by the rapid consumption of a Big Mac.

It probably was indigestion anyway, it’s hard to imagine K-Fed, who’s now sporting a pony tail because he wasn’t white trash enough before, can even eat a simple burger without taking breaks from chewing with his mouth open to tell anyone and everyone who will listen how he totally nailed Britney Spears, whilst simultaneously humping and spanking the air in a display of chauvinism that borders on the retarded.

So next time you’re in a fast food chain, about to tuck in to that tasty burger you ordered, just remember this. Somewhere, out there in a restaurant just like the one you’re sat in, is Kevin Federline.

Teenage warbler and spawn of the devil (aka Billy Ray) Miley Cyrus,  recently ‘fessed up to being the raging pothead we all suspected at her 19th birthday party in Los Angeles.

Guest included, Kelly Osbourne and Rumer Willis, boyfriend Liam Hemsworth and of course her parents who were probably out the back, line-dancing through the piles of money they’ve  made from selling their child to the Disney factory.

Miley was presented with a Bob Marley cake and before devouring it face first, she gave a small speech, made up of words.

She said:

“You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Miley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed!”

She failed to mention whether the cake had ‘jam-in’ [we're sorry] but subtle as a brick in the face friend, Kelly Osbourne decided to try and be funny and distract everyone from the fact she was ramming fistfuls of cake into her handbag.

Referencing the 2010 incident where Miley was caught bonging herself into oblivion she laughed,

“I thought salvia was your problem!”

What? Could it be that in fact Miley wasn’t smoking perfectly legal salvia but in fact something much more fun-filled and arrest worthy?

Stop shouting “YES!!”, you have no proof.

Kelly, obviously aware that she’d come across as a complete shit-stirrer, ran to tweet and make sure everyone knew it was a joke, m’kay?

‘Let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her Bob Miley as a JOKE! The cake was also A JOKE.’

She kept digging that hole.

‘It makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called ‘friends’ would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!’

Um, isn’t that EXACTLY what you just did Kelly?

‘U guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possibly do all that is she was a stoner! #think (sic)

That’s a very good point daughter of Ozzy Osbourne.  We’ve never heard of anyone in the music business being able to maintain a career whilst using drugs.

However, Miley didn’t give two hoots and tweeted;

‘Can’t thank @MissKellyO for the best partyyyy ever! =]]]] i loveeeee you! Let’s just say there was a unicorn in the lobby!’

No. No there wasn’t.

Bloody hippies.

Here’s the stupid video.

Apparently, Miley Cyrus has put on some weight. No-one actually cares, but y’know, when weight is mentioned around women, everyone starts shrieking like someone just revealed a semtex waistcoat.

Some trollers, trying (successfully) to get a rise, pointed out that Miley had put some pounds on and thought it might be funny to call her ‘fat’.

Of course, Miley Cyrus isn’t fat. However, she does hate skinny women and wandered ever closer to the idiot arena of ‘real women have curves’. Get that thin ladies? You’re body shape is sexless compared to that of someone with a bit of an arse. HURRAY!

After being called fat, she took to twitter to lash out at her detractors. Did she sensibly point out that women come in a variety of shapes and sizes, all as viable as the next?

Of course not. She’s a blithering simpleton.

Posting a picture of an emaciated, ribby woman, she wrote:

“By calling girls like me fat, this is what you’re doing to other people.”

“I love MYSELF & If you could say the same you wouldn’t be sitting on your computer trying to hurt others.”

How wrong she is. Here at hecklerspray, you’d be surprised at how high our opinion is of ourselves. We’re amazing and you’re all rubbish. That’s why we have been afforded the ability to chide everyone on Earth. EVER. They should build a statue of us all because we’re so insultingly amazing.

Anyway, Miley did what all idiots do, and proved her ‘curves are better’ point by tweeting a picture of Marilyn Monroe – a woman who notoriously sucked her gut in  for pictures so she looked thinner (great message for the girls there) as well as having a figure that is just as unrealistic as some supposedly emaciated waif.

“Proof that you can be adored by thousands of men even when your thighs touch.”

“I don’t wanna be shaped like a girl. I LOVE being shaped like a WOMAN & trust me ladies your man won’t mind either ”

Hey! Thin ladies! You’ve got the body of a CHILD! Miley Cyrus says so! You disgusting pigs. You’re boy/girlfriends are essentially paedophiles because they like your child body. That’s what Miley is implying. God, you make us sick.

Demi Lovato got in touch, yelling:

“god I love you. SO DO YOU!!! And whoever called you that has it coming. ps SO proud of you for posting that! #curvesareBEAUTIFUL.”

Miley replied:

“AMEN. I will destroy any one that calls you the F (fat) word. You have the SEXIIIESTTT curvyyyy body! I LOVE IT! Werk those curves.”

Miley probably meant to type ‘work those curves’ but her ‘curvy’ fingers are too big to type properly. Either way, at least she’s cleared something up for us: Women – the best way toward equality is to attack each other about the shape of your body. Well done. Feminism isn’t dead after all.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

It’s difficult to imagine, but the life of Beth Ditto – who, because we’re such hideously clever dicks at hecklerspray, we will hereafter refer to as Beth Beth – is not just one long procession of standing in the way of Kate Moss, ripping all her clothes off whenever a glance is thrown in her direction, and sitting atop winged horses, helmet-horns glinting in the furious fires of Valhalla, scattering mortals with the power of her demonic screams.

Sometimes she finds room in that busy schedule for kicking back, relaxing, chucking on her neon-pink skintight onesie leisurewear, curling up with a classic of gothic literature, and squeezing her brain tightly until opinions form like diamonds in a bleak mountainside.

And even better, she then tells us about it! She really is the honking gift that just keeps honking, and won’t stop till our ears actually start bleeding!

So, if you’re ready, let’s all sit down to GCSE English with Beth Beth and the NME:

The Gossip front woman – who shot to fame in 2006 thanks to the success of the band’s breakthrough record, Standing in The Way of Control – says that Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray changed her perspective on vanity.

Look at us, Beth Beth. Look at us. We’re literally on the edge of our seats here. There is nothing you could say now that would disappoint. We can’t help but feel we’re on the verge of a major re-examination of Wilde’s only novel, reflected off the lipstick-scrawled, chipped mirror of Riot Grrl politics.

Enlighten us!

“I’d never really thought about the motives of doing things for other people,” she told NME magazine. “You don’t really realise it but you do things to make yourself feel better, not the other person. It’s like a kind of vanity. It really changed the way I thought of charity.”

WHAT?!

OK, let’s all just calm down a moment and take all that in. You can say many things about hecklerspray. You can say we’re mean, we’re snarky, or we’re uneducated screw-ups who haven’t even read The Picture Of Dorian Grey but are pretty sure it’s something about the duality of the human soul and the ultimate destruction of a life lived in guilt-free hedonism, or whatever. You can even say we’re unnaturally obsessed with celebrities making boneheaded and obvious comments in an attempt to make themselves look intelligent and well-read when they should just stick to their natural areas of expertise; for example, squawking like a dying swan while in the background someone has a convulsive fit in the vague direction of a drumkit. But let it not be said that we will not stand up and roundly applaud instances of fierce, original thinking.

And let it not be said that we’re applauding now, cos we’re not.

If you want more pearls of wisdom from the boundless intellect of Beth Beth, you need not wait much longer, as she will soon be releasing an autobiography which, she promises from the bottom of her hard-working heart, will contain “things that seriously shock the crap out of everyone – things that’s going to make people forget about me eating squirrels. Totally eclipse it.” Look forward to the bit about when she got to the end of the Very Hungry Caterpillar and it really made her change the way she thought about how caterpillars turned into butterflies, because you don’t realise it, but caterpillars actually do turn into butterflies. Wow!

Next week on GCSE English With The Stars, Dappy from N-Dubz explains how the sexual politics of Taming Of The Shrew inspires all his lyrics, because he once saw 10 Things I Hate About You and got a boner while watching Julia Stiles. Join us then.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Before we even start talking about Beth Ditto, let us just point something out to everyone – there is no correct size to be if you’re a human being. Okay? People who make an issue out of their, or anyone else’s weight, is an unrelenting dick. Okay? Okay.

Unrelenting dick, Beth Ditto, continues to see herself as some kind of political activist for people who aren’t thin, hitting out at imagined critics who she assumes are sniggering under their breath at her, taunting her and calling her a big fat twat.

With the spotlight well and truly taken off her band, The Gossip, and now glued into place on stomach, Ditto has howled in anguish about people who assume thin women are automatically healthier.

Most people listen to music and basically decide whether they like it or not. People love Mama Cass’ voice without worrying about her weight or deadness. Same goes for Elvis and Demis Roussos… although, with the latter, only mental people like his music.

And so, our pop stars assume that they need to be more than just performing monkeys, available to dance around for us when we stick a coin in the jukebox. Because they don’t have proper jobs, they hole themselves up, imagining what invented detractors might be saying about them, allowing their own fears to come seeping out of their mouth-holes.

Bono feels guilty for being rich, so parps on about charity. Kanye feels bad that he’s so astonishingly vain, and tweets endlessly about Taylor Swift. And so, Beth Ditto rattles around her house filled with celery and stamps her feet at the imagined accusations of those calling her a whale.

What’s this about celery?

Indeed. Ditto has revealed that she eats healthily, despite being overweight, and that she finds constantly defending her lifestyle ‘tiring’.

Speaking to Fearne Cotton on Radio 1 (which must have been even more tiring), she explained:

“I’m not an unhealthy person and I feel like one of the most tiring parts of being fat and being proud of it is you do a lot of proving yourself all the time.”

“It’s really interesting to me that people will look at a thin person and go, ‘That’s a healthy person’. I want to go, ‘Come open my refrigerator and look and then let’s talk about what you think is so bad’.”

See? Is there honestly a human on Earth who would go up to one of their friends and point at a thin person to discuss how healthy they are? In our experience, womenfolk are more prone to slagging someone off for their dress-sense or for having a partner that is deemed too attractive for them.

She added:

“To be thin and to stay really thin, some people literally do coke all the time. Some people smoke cigarettes instead of eating. That’s crazy. But that’s ‘okay’ because you look healthier.”

Some thin people do coke to stay thin and some fat people eat nothing but shite to stay fat… blah blah blah… yadda yadda yadda.

Do us a favour Beth? Stick to making records. If someone asks you about your weight, punch them in the mouth – especially if it happens to be Fearne Cotton. She’ll still call you ‘legendary’ either way.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Remember when K-Fed had a dancer’s body? Sure it was covered in bad tattoos, cornrows made without the aid of a mirror and a layer of congealed body grease, but still – it was a dancer’s body.

And he used that body to scoop up Britney Spears and steal her away to a life most view as exotic fantasy and wonder.

Well he’s not scooping things up with that body any more. Except burritos, corn chips, and maybe an entire half-pig flame-broiled and basted.

What we’re getting at here is the man has gained weight – and boy has he!

The whole reason so many people bought Kevin Federline‘s one album was because they took it on blind faith that it was a thin man delivering all those wonderful lyrics. Nobody wants to hear music made by fat people – that’s why Wilson Phillips had such a disappointing run.

Sure, once in a while the overweight can crack the top 40, but we think that the one time it happened it was more on the strength of the hit movie Disorderlies than it was from people wanting to hear angry lyrics about abbreviated late night menus.

Now that K-Fed is officially fat, he’s going to all but fade from the common man’s mind set unless he artistically incorporates his stretch marks into a photographic image of his track listing. We would definitely buy that. It’s the only thing he can really do, you know. Have fun with it, let us now he’s still ‘the Fed.’

Anyway – he showed off his new tarp-covered bod at a recent golf tournament. As we understand it, the balls he was swinging at rested comfortably on his naval, as did holes one through six.

Us Magazine has a much more viable account of the fatter of the matter:

“Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. But it wasn’t over his golfing skills; it was over his size. At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, “Man, that’s a belly on him! That’s K-Fed?!?”"

Really though, nobody’s a fan of Federline because he makes albums. Their his fans because he makes babies. Sure, critics’ll say that none of the follow-ups were as good as the first one, but as long as he keeps trying there’ll be a dedicated audience there to buy up his efforts.

Of course, that’ll most likely all take place in the Persian black market, but still – with a talent like K-Fed’s rich Arabs will always be hungry for more.

Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter here

The first week on January is traditionally the week of going to the gym twice and hoping it’ll offset 12 months of compulsive doughnut abuse.

But not if you’re Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she’s turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she’s determined to get slim again.

And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by ‘abusing’ food, Oprah means ‘keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal’. We can’t see it working, to be honest.

Oprah Winfrey’s probably had her fill of abuse lately. First she had to deal with parental abuse when her dad wrote a book about her, then she had to deal with child abuse at her African school – and now she has to deal with food abuse, the very thing that’s caused her to swell up like a broken ankle over the last few months.

Oprah has always struggled with her weight – over the years she’s literally tried every diet known to man. Problem is, though, she tried them all at once, which meant eating 250 dinners every day. It was foolhardy in retrospect. But this time Oprah’s going to lose all that weight once and for all, just you watch.

Last month Oprah Winfrey wailed about how fat she was in her magazine – she says she weighs about 200lb now – and this month it looks like she’s going to be doing something about it. And, as MSNBC reports, step one seems to involve setting a number of targets for herself that are so woolly and impossible to quantify that nobody will ever know if she’s reached them or not:

“It’s about using food — abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax. I am hungry for balance. I’m hungry to do something other than work. My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself.”

We’ll admit to not being completely sure about what ‘food abuse’ actually is, but we sort of wish that Oprah would shut up about it. Honestly, if Bono hears that something called food abuse exists we’ll all have to endure an all-star summertime charity concert to raise money for it, and bloody Paul McCartney will get to finish it off by singing a poxy version of Hey Jude that goes on for 45 minutes and it’ll be terrible.

In all seriousness, though, good for Oprah Winfrey. It sounds like she’s not going to subscribe to another one of those faddy crash diets that she’s so closely associated with this time, and that can only be beneficial to her health in the long run.

And if it doesn’t work? Well, Oprah can always develop an eating disorder or two. We’d be totally fine with that, by the way, but only so long as Oprah promises to start every fifth show by bellowing “Everybody gets a sandwich bag full of my bulimia vomit!” at her audience like some sort of berserk, giddy sick-covered toddler. That’s a dealbreaker.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Oprah Winfrey’s power is derived from the fact that, with enough speed behind her, she could dent a caravan quite critically.

So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. “No I won’t read your book recommendations,” America told Oprah in unison, “because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won’t even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!” Oprah was doomed.

But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she’s fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can’t buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.

Oprah Winfrey has three main loves in her life: her power, the ability to change the world for the better with her power and morbidly shovelling fat handfuls of ice-cream into her mouth when she thinks everyone is asleep.

Actually, that last one’s a lie. Oprah Winfrey almost certainly doesn’t do that. She just looks like she might do, that’s all. Because Oprah Winfrey’s weight famously comes and goes like the tides. Specifically a version of the tides that crows relentlessly about how brilliant it is when it goes out, but then still slowly comes in again anyway until it has a bout of shame and goes on a terrifying liquid-only diet to make it go out.

Which is a kind of long-winded way of telling you that, by her own admission, Oprah Winfrey has got fat again. AP reports:

In January’s “O” magazine, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160.  “I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?”‘ the talk-show queen says in the article. “I’m embarrassed,” she says. “I’m mad at myself.”

So now Oprah’s weight stands at around 200lb – about the same as 18 cats, half a female lion or 120 hardback copies of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. It’s not the fattest that Oprah Winfrey has ever been, but it does mean we’ll have to put up with the sight of her running around with a wheelbarrow full of lard in a few months after she’s crash-dieted and lost it all again.

But so what? It’s been a tough year for Oprah Winfrey, and she needed all that extra weight. Not only did her added heft make her more of an imposing figure when she was trying to stop all the child abuse in her school, but it was also because she did a big interview with Tom Cruise this year, and Oprah needed to know that if he started jumping on furniture again she’d have the upper body strength to knock him unconscious.

However, Oprah Winfrey didn’t get to where she is today by merely accepting her lot, so we absolutely don’t doubt her ability to knuckle down and shed all her excess weight through nothing more than intense willpower and perhaps a dangerously faddy new diet that no sensible doctor would ever approve in sound mind.

Before long, we’re positive that Oprah Winfrey will be slimmer than ever – and she’ll remain that way for approximately three minutes before her resolve buckles and she charges into the nearest Krispy Kreme mouth-first and we have to go through this whole bloody palaver all over again. We can’t wait.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Judging by her weird compulsion to thwonk her boobs out in every film she’s ever made, you might not think that Kate Winslet is very insecure.

But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure – about absolutely everything – that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair.

So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here’s a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks ‘wrong’, her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.

Kate Winslet has always stood as a shining example of a real woman. She doesn’t look like the androgynous four-year-olds that fashion designers like so much, and she doesn’t waddle round in a bikini covered with six tins of goose fat and enough lipgloss to fell a moose like the models in the lad’s mags do.

Instead Kate Winslet is a torchbearer for normal women across the globe; a woman who says it’s OK to have curves, and that the important thing is to feel comfortable in yourself.

True, you might develop a confusing compulsion to go topless in public at the drop of a hat to overcompensatingly prove that you’re comfortable with how you look, and you might also start flinging batshit lawsuits around to prove that you haven’t been on any diets because that’s just how bloody comfortable you are with yourself, OK?, but that’s by the by.

But even though she’s obviously so completely comfortable with her own body that she even managed to get her boobs out in a family movie about a horrific maritime disaster, sometimes even Kate Winslet succumbs to a spot of insecurity about how she looks. Well, we say ‘a spot’. Actually we mean ‘a gigantic, all-consuming tidal wave big enough to destroy the entire planet’, as Vanity Fair found out recently:

“I never had a desire to be famous I was fat. I didn’t know any fat famous actresses. I just did not see myself in that world at all, and I’m being very sincere. You know, once a fat kid, always a fat kid… You always think that you just look a little bit wrong or a little bit different from everyone else. And I still sort of have that.”

We haven’t read all the way to Kate Winslet’s Vanity Fair interview, but we’re pretty certain that it ended with her staring at her own hands, screaming “I’M A MONSTER! A MONSTER!”, dousing herself in petrol, setting herself on fire and running haphazardly around the room knocking everything over until she toppled out of an open window.

Or maybe we’re wrong. Either way, Kate Winslet probably hasn’t got much to worry about. Apart from the fact that, you know, this whole interview was ostensibly to promote Kate Winslet’s new movie The Reader, and the potential audience for a highbrow movie about the Holocaust probably won’t be too easily swayed by hearing sob stories about what a chubby little toddler Kate used to be.

Still, we can’t wait to see what she does to promote Revolutionary Road. If we were a glossy magazine we’d be teeing up the headline ‘Kate Winslet: Boo Hoo, I’ve Got A Big Vagina’ right now just in case.

Observers of Kevin Smith might have noticed a change in his shape lately, in that he’s gone from ‘tubby’ to ‘perfectly spherical’.

Don’t think this hasn’t gone unnoticed, though – Kevin Smith himself is quite aware that he’s developing a bit of weight problem. It’s something he picked up on in the traditional way, by breaking a toilet under the weight of his own body.

According to an anecdote that he decided to tell a journalist of his own free will, Kevin Smith recently sat on a toilet only for it to fall away from the wall because of his enormous mass. At least we think Kevin Smith’s weight broke the toilet. It could have also been that Kevin Smith’s urine is high-pressured and grainy and essentially works like a manky-smelling water jet cutter. We simply don’t know.

Recently Kevin Smith has hinted that he’s got not plans to reintroduce Jay and Silent Bob to his movies, and that’s probably a good thing. If Kevin Smith continues to pack on weight at the rate he has been, Silent Bob will only be silent because he’s had a massive diabetic stroke.

Make no mistake, Kevin Smith is large. That’s no secret – those who saw Die Hard 4 last year may have been shocked by way that Kevin Smith suddenly seemed to have swollen up like an infected tropical insect bite – but now even Kevin Smith himself has decided to take action ahead of the release of Zack And Miri Make A Porno.

Weight gain, you see, can creep up on us in a number of ways. Maybe you have trouble putting on an old outfit. Maybe people accidentally think you’re pregnant. Or maybe, just maybe, you sit on a toilet and your gigantic body causes the toilet to shear off the wall completely.

As The LA Times reports, that last one was the warning buzzer for Kevin Smith:

“I’m going away for a while,” Smith, puffing a menthol cigarette on the patio of his Hollywood Hills home, “to concentrate on myself. To save my life.” … “I broke a toilet. That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit – that was an old toilet and a very waterlogged wall – but my size took that toilet down. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me – it was the toilet.’ It was definitely me. And that’s a wake-up call!”

Are you listening, Angelina Jolie? This is how you promote a movie. None of this overblown breast-feeding nonsense – you sit on a toilet, break it, possibly cover yourself in shit and then tell everyone about it. Maybe we’d go and watch The Changeling if you covered yourself in your own shit during a humiliating household accident. Remember that.

But anyway, let’s hope that Kevin Smith manages to get a handle on his weight problem, largely because it’d be quite nice if he stayed alive long enough to make his horror movie Red State. It can happen – just look at Peter Jackson. Maybe Kevin could take a leaf out of Jackson’s books and go from being a massively overweight movie director to a normal-sized movie director with so much excess skin that he ends up looking like a Pac-Man ghost.

Or if not, that’s cool too. It’d probably be quite nice to be known as the Orson Welles of films about nothing where people stand around talking about crap that isn’t important.

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in dry concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

God knows why, but there seems to be this sort of global willing for Eva Longoria to get pregnant at the moment. It’s like everyone thinks that if they all believe as hard as they can then Eva Longoria will magically get pregnant and we’ll all soon be blessed with a baby that’s just as shrill and objectionable as its mother.

It’s not particularly a new thing – ever since Eva Longoria got married people have been scrutinising the size of her belly with more intensity than those men looking for the Higgs Boson particle in Switzerland. One minute people are saying that Eva Longoria is pregnant, the next they’re saying she’s not, then they’re saying she is again.

But she’s not. Eva Longoria is definitely not pregnant. True, she might have been photographed looking marginally rounder than usual on a beach this summer, but it’s not because she’s pregnant. According to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman:

“She’s just fat, that’s all there is to it!”

See? That’s all there is to it. Eva Longoria is just fat. So fat that she’s got her own postcode. So fat that if you try to kiss her your face burns off on re-entry. So fat that she occasionally leases out her belly button as an amphitheatre for poetry recitals and local amateur dramatic performances of Shakespeare’s comedies. That’s literally how fat Eva Longoria is.

Obviously we’re not stupid enough to believe that Eva Longoria is actually fat. It’s clear that this was just a way for Felicity Huffman to humorously deflect all the speculation over Longoria’s womb in an offhand manner.

But, hey, if Felicity Huffman thinks that Eva Longoria is fat, then just imagine what she thinks of you, you lardy old pissbag.

FROM DIETPIXIE – At nearly 70, it’s hardly a surprise but the sprightly little megastar, Al Pacino, is finally filling out.

He’s been pictured looking pretty rotund and his archetypal black outfit was failing miserably to ‘slim’ his figure.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2′s obvious crappiness.

We’ve never been able to trust Megan Fox, and it’s probably because we’re convinced that she’s an android sent from the future to destroy humanity by getting all its male teenagers to wank themselves into oblivion.

Because Megan Fox is just a little too perfect, isn’t she. Her eyebrows look just a little too tweaked, her lips a little too pouty. She’s only capable of speaking in occasional sex-based soundbites designed explicitly to send 14-year-old boys scampering to their bedroom clutching reams of tissue paper. Her surname is Fox, for crying out loud. In short, Megan Fox is all style and no substance.

Which is probably why Michael Bay likes her so much, then. As a man who judges how good an actress is by the way the sunshine hits her cleavage when she’s been oiled up and shoved into the desert and asked to chop down cacti in slow motion to the sound of Linkin Park, Michael Bay knows that Megan Fox is the best he will ever get.

Except she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t eat enough food. Michael Bay has ordered Megan Fox to get fatter for Transformers 2, presumably because he doesn’t want her breasts to be upstaged by Shia LaBeouf‘s big old man-titties. MTV reports:

Fox recently slimmed down for her role in the upcoming film Jennifer’s Body. The 22-year-old star told Fox News, “I’d lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn’t like skinny girls.”

Full credit to Michael Bay here – he knows what he wants, and if he’d wanted a scrawny actress with a fat mouth who can’t act, he’d have cast Mick Jagger instead.

Besides, it’s completely vital that Megan Fox has her boobs and arse back to full working order by the time Transformers 2 starts shooting because, god knows, anything that can distract our attention away from all the giant incontinent robots shouting offensive ebonics at each other will be a flipping godsend.