Remember when K-Fed had a dancer’s body? Sure it was covered in bad tattoos, cornrows made without the aid of a mirror and a layer of congealed body grease, but still – it was a dancer’s body.

And he used that body to scoop up Britney Spears and steal her away to a life most view as exotic fantasy and wonder.

Well he’s not scooping things up with that body any more. Except burritos, corn chips, and maybe an entire half-pig flame-broiled and basted.

What we’re getting at here is the man has gained weight – and boy has he!

The whole reason so many people bought Kevin Federline’s one album was because they took it on blind faith that it was a thin man delivering all those wonderful lyrics. Nobody wants to hear music made by fat people – that’s why Wilson Phillips had such a disappointing run.

Sure, once in a while the overweight can crack the top 40, but we think that the one time it happened it was more on the strength of the hit movie Disorderlies than it was from people wanting to hear angry lyrics about abbreviated late night menus.

Now that K-Fed is officially fat, he’s going to all but fade from the common man’s mind set unless he artistically incorporates his stretch marks into a photographic image of his track listing. We would definitely buy that. It’s the only thing he can really do, you know. Have fun with it, let us now he’s still ‘the Fed.’

Anyway – he showed off his new tarp-covered bod at a recent golf tournament. As we understand it, the balls he was swinging at rested comfortably on his naval, as did holes one through six.

Us Magazine has a much more viable account of the fatter of the matter:

“Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. But it wasn’t over his golfing skills; it was over his size. At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, “Man, that’s a belly on him! That’s K-Fed?!?”"

Really though, nobody’s a fan of Federline because he makes albums. Their his fans because he makes babies. Sure, critics’ll say that none of the follow-ups were as good as the first one, but as long as he keeps trying there’ll be a dedicated audience there to buy up his efforts.

Of course, that’ll most likely all take place in the Persian black market, but still – with a talent like K-Fed’s rich Arabs will always be hungry for more.

Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter here

But not if you’re Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she’s turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she’s determined to get slim again.

And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by ‘abusing’ food, Oprah means ‘keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal’. We can’t see it working, to be honest.

Oprah Winfrey’s probably had her fill of abuse lately. First she had to deal with parental abuse when her dad wrote a book about her, then she had to deal with child abuse at her African school – and now she has to deal with food abuse, the very thing that’s caused her to swell up like a broken ankle over the last few months.

Oprah has always struggled with her weight – over the years she’s literally tried every diet known to man. Problem is, though, she tried them all at once, which meant eating 250 dinners every day. It was foolhardy in retrospect. But this time Oprah’s going to lose all that weight once and for all, just you watch.

Last month Oprah Winfrey wailed about how fat she was in her magazine – she says she weighs about 200lb now – and this month it looks like she’s going to be doing something about it. And, as MSNBC reports, step one seems to involve setting a number of targets for herself that are so woolly and impossible to quantify that nobody will ever know if she’s reached them or not:

“It’s about using food — abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax. I am hungry for balance. I’m hungry to do something other than work. My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself.”

We’ll admit to not being completely sure about what ‘food abuse’ actually is, but we sort of wish that Oprah would shut up about it. Honestly, if Bono hears that something called food abuse exists we’ll all have to endure an all-star summertime charity concert to raise money for it, and bloody Paul McCartney will get to finish it off by singing a poxy version of Hey Jude that goes on for 45 minutes and it’ll be terrible.

In all seriousness, though, good for Oprah Winfrey. It sounds like she’s not going to subscribe to another one of those faddy crash diets that she’s so closely associated with this time, and that can only be beneficial to her health in the long run.

And if it doesn’t work? Well, Oprah can always develop an eating disorder or two. We’d be totally fine with that, by the way, but only so long as Oprah promises to start every fifth show by bellowing “Everybody gets a sandwich bag full of my bulimia vomit!” at her audience like some sort of berserk, giddy sick-covered toddler. That’s a dealbreaker.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. “No I won’t read your book recommendations,” America told Oprah in unison, “because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won’t even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!” Oprah was doomed.

But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she’s fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can’t buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.

Oprah Winfrey has three main loves in her life: her power, the ability to change the world for the better with her power and morbidly shovelling fat handfuls of ice-cream into her mouth when she thinks everyone is asleep.

Actually, that last one’s a lie. Oprah Winfrey almost certainly doesn’t do that. She just looks like she might do, that’s all. Because Oprah Winfrey’s weight famously comes and goes like the tides. Specifically a version of the tides that crows relentlessly about how brilliant it is when it goes out, but then still slowly comes in again anyway until it has a bout of shame and goes on a terrifying liquid-only diet to make it go out.

Which is a kind of long-winded way of telling you that, by her own admission, Oprah Winfrey has got fat again. AP reports:

In January’s “O” magazine, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160.  “I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?”‘ the talk-show queen says in the article. “I’m embarrassed,” she says. “I’m mad at myself.”

So now Oprah’s weight stands at around 200lb – about the same as 18 cats, half a female lion or 120 hardback copies of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. It’s not the fattest that Oprah Winfrey has ever been, but it does mean we’ll have to put up with the sight of her running around with a wheelbarrow full of lard in a few months after she’s crash-dieted and lost it all again.

But so what? It’s been a tough year for Oprah Winfrey, and she needed all that extra weight. Not only did her added heft make her more of an imposing figure when she was trying to stop all the child abuse in her school, but it was also because she did a big interview with Tom Cruise this year, and Oprah needed to know that if he started jumping on furniture again she’d have the upper body strength to knock him unconscious.

However, Oprah Winfrey didn’t get to where she is today by merely accepting her lot, so we absolutely don’t doubt her ability to knuckle down and shed all her excess weight through nothing more than intense willpower and perhaps a dangerously faddy new diet that no sensible doctor would ever approve in sound mind.

Before long, we’re positive that Oprah Winfrey will be slimmer than ever – and she’ll remain that way for approximately three minutes before her resolve buckles and she charges into the nearest Krispy Kreme mouth-first and we have to go through this whole bloody palaver all over again. We can’t wait.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure – about absolutely everything – that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair.

So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here’s a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks ‘wrong’, her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.

Kate Winslet has always stood as a shining example of a real woman. She doesn’t look like the androgynous four-year-olds that fashion designers like so much, and she doesn’t waddle round in a bikini covered with six tins of goose fat and enough lipgloss to fell a moose like the models in the lad’s mags do.

Instead Kate Winslet is a torchbearer for normal women across the globe; a woman who says it’s OK to have curves, and that the important thing is to feel comfortable in yourself.

True, you might develop a confusing compulsion to go topless in public at the drop of a hat to overcompensatingly prove that you’re comfortable with how you look, and you might also start flinging batshit lawsuits around to prove that you haven’t been on any diets because that’s just how bloody comfortable you are with yourself, OK?, but that’s by the by.

But even though she’s obviously so completely comfortable with her own body that she even managed to get her boobs out in a family movie about a horrific maritime disaster, sometimes even Kate Winslet succumbs to a spot of insecurity about how she looks. Well, we say ‘a spot’. Actually we mean ‘a gigantic, all-consuming tidal wave big enough to destroy the entire planet’, as Vanity Fair found out recently:

“I never had a desire to be famous I was fat. I didn’t know any fat famous actresses. I just did not see myself in that world at all, and I’m being very sincere. You know, once a fat kid, always a fat kid… You always think that you just look a little bit wrong or a little bit different from everyone else. And I still sort of have that.”

We haven’t read all the way to Kate Winslet’s Vanity Fair interview, but we’re pretty certain that it ended with her staring at her own hands, screaming “I’M A MONSTER! A MONSTER!”, dousing herself in petrol, setting herself on fire and running haphazardly around the room knocking everything over until she toppled out of an open window.

Or maybe we’re wrong. Either way, Kate Winslet probably hasn’t got much to worry about. Apart from the fact that, you know, this whole interview was ostensibly to promote Kate Winslet’s new movie The Reader, and the potential audience for a highbrow movie about the Holocaust probably won’t be too easily swayed by hearing sob stories about what a chubby little toddler Kate used to be.

Still, we can’t wait to see what she does to promote Revolutionary Road. If we were a glossy magazine we’d be teeing up the headline ‘Kate Winslet: Boo Hoo, I’ve Got A Big Vagina’ right now just in case.

Don’t think this hasn’t gone unnoticed, though – Kevin Smith himself is quite aware that he’s developing a bit of weight problem. It’s something he picked up on in the traditional way, by breaking a toilet under the weight of his own body.

According to an anecdote that he decided to tell a journalist of his own free will, Kevin Smith recently sat on a toilet only for it to fall away from the wall because of his enormous mass. At least we think Kevin Smith’s weight broke the toilet. It could have also been that Kevin Smith’s urine is high-pressured and grainy and essentially works like a manky-smelling water jet cutter. We simply don’t know.

Recently Kevin Smith has hinted that he’s got not plans to reintroduce Jay and Silent Bob to his movies, and that’s probably a good thing. If Kevin Smith continues to pack on weight at the rate he has been, Silent Bob will only be silent because he’s had a massive diabetic stroke.

Make no mistake, Kevin Smith is large. That’s no secret – those who saw Die Hard 4 last year may have been shocked by way that Kevin Smith suddenly seemed to have swollen up like an infected tropical insect bite – but now even Kevin Smith himself has decided to take action ahead of the release of Zack And Miri Make A Porno.

Weight gain, you see, can creep up on us in a number of ways. Maybe you have trouble putting on an old outfit. Maybe people accidentally think you’re pregnant. Or maybe, just maybe, you sit on a toilet and your gigantic body causes the toilet to shear off the wall completely.

As The LA Times reports, that last one was the warning buzzer for Kevin Smith:

“I’m going away for a while,” Smith, puffing a menthol cigarette on the patio of his Hollywood Hills home, “to concentrate on myself. To save my life.” … “I broke a toilet. That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit – that was an old toilet and a very waterlogged wall – but my size took that toilet down. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me – it was the toilet.’ It was definitely me. And that’s a wake-up call!”

Are you listening, Angelina Jolie? This is how you promote a movie. None of this overblown breast-feeding nonsense – you sit on a toilet, break it, possibly cover yourself in shit and then tell everyone about it. Maybe we’d go and watch The Changeling if you covered yourself in your own shit during a humiliating household accident. Remember that.

But anyway, let’s hope that Kevin Smith manages to get a handle on his weight problem, largely because it’d be quite nice if he stayed alive long enough to make his horror movie Red State. It can happen – just look at Peter Jackson. Maybe Kevin could take a leaf out of Jackson’s books and go from being a massively overweight movie director to a normal-sized movie director with so much excess skin that he ends up looking like a Pac-Man ghost.

Or if not, that’s cool too. It’d probably be quite nice to be known as the Orson Welles of films about nothing where people stand around talking about crap that isn’t important.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

God knows why, but there seems to be this sort of global willing for Eva Longoria to get pregnant at the moment. It’s like everyone thinks that if they all believe as hard as they can then Eva Longoria will magically get pregnant and we’ll all soon be blessed with a baby that’s just as shrill and objectionable as its mother.

It’s not particularly a new thing – ever since Eva Longoria got married people have been scrutinising the size of her belly with more intensity than those men looking for the Higgs Boson particle in Switzerland. One minute people are saying that Eva Longoria is pregnant, the next they’re saying she’s not, then they’re saying she is again.

But she’s not. Eva Longoria is definitely not pregnant. True, she might have been photographed looking marginally rounder than usual on a beach this summer, but it’s not because she’s pregnant. According to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman:

“She’s just fat, that’s all there is to it!”

See? That’s all there is to it. Eva Longoria is just fat. So fat that she’s got her own postcode. So fat that if you try to kiss her your face burns off on re-entry. So fat that she occasionally leases out her belly button as an amphitheatre for poetry recitals and local amateur dramatic performances of Shakespeare’s comedies. That’s literally how fat Eva Longoria is.

Obviously we’re not stupid enough to believe that Eva Longoria is actually fat. It’s clear that this was just a way for Felicity Huffman to humorously deflect all the speculation over Longoria’s womb in an offhand manner.

But, hey, if Felicity Huffman thinks that Eva Longoria is fat, then just imagine what she thinks of you, you lardy old pissbag.

He’s been pictured looking pretty rotund and his archetypal black outfit was failing miserably to ‘slim’ his figure.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2’s obvious crappiness.

We’ve never been able to trust Megan Fox, and it’s probably because we’re convinced that she’s an android sent from the future to destroy humanity by getting all its male teenagers to wank themselves into oblivion.

Because Megan Fox is just a little too perfect, isn’t she. Her eyebrows look just a little too tweaked, her lips a little too pouty. She’s only capable of speaking in occasional sex-based soundbites designed explicitly to send 14-year-old boys scampering to their bedroom clutching reams of tissue paper. Her surname is Fox, for crying out loud. In short, Megan Fox is all style and no substance.

Which is probably why Michael Bay likes her so much, then. As a man who judges how good an actress is by the way the sunshine hits her cleavage when she’s been oiled up and shoved into the desert and asked to chop down cacti in slow motion to the sound of Linkin Park, Michael Bay knows that Megan Fox is the best he will ever get.

Except she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t eat enough food. Michael Bay has ordered Megan Fox to get fatter for Transformers 2, presumably because he doesn’t want her breasts to be upstaged by Shia LaBeouf’s big old man-titties. MTV reports:

Fox recently slimmed down for her role in the upcoming film Jennifer’s Body. The 22-year-old star told Fox News, “I’d lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn’t like skinny girls.”

Full credit to Michael Bay here – he knows what he wants, and if he’d wanted a scrawny actress with a fat mouth who can’t act, he’d have cast Mick Jagger instead.

Besides, it’s completely vital that Megan Fox has her boobs and arse back to full working order by the time Transformers 2 starts shooting because, god knows, anything that can distract our attention away from all the giant incontinent robots shouting offensive ebonics at each other will be a flipping godsend.

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

Remove the sexiness from Jessica Alba and you’re not left with much – maybe a set of untrimmed eyebrows and a staggeringly bad filmography at best. It’d be like Stephen Colbert waking up one morning and realising he wasn’t funny, or Kanye West waking up and realising he could deal with criticism in a sensible, even-handed manner. It just doesn’t bear thinking about.

But, according to Jessica Alba herself, that’s what being pregnant did to her. Before she got pregnant, Jessica Alba was so sexy that she could send legions of teenage boys into month-long masturbatathons just by casually dropping the subject of recreational sex into an interview.

But then, as soon as she got pregnant, Jessica Alba’s sexiness level dropped immediately, with boys only being able to spend two or three weeks abusing themselves to a freeze-frame of Into The Blue at a time, no matter how often she tried to lure them back by only talking about her massive boobies all the time.

However, now Jessica Alba has given birth to her daughter Honor Marie Warren, none of that matters any more. Sure, she may have experienced some bloating during the pregnancy, but the most important thing is that her baby exists, and the unconditional love between mother and daughter will be the most important relationship she ever has with anyone for the rest of her life.

So chances are Jessica Alba doesn’t even care that the baby made her pack on a tiny amount of weight, right Cosmopolitan magazine?

“I never felt less sexy,” Jessica Alba says of her own pregnancy. “I mean, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world … but I wanted to get rid of all the weight.”

Oh little Honor Marie Warren, what a life you’ll have. From the first time you’ll be accompanied home from school by a social worker because of your kindergarten art project ‘This is mommy crying because she says I made her fat once’ to the therapy bills you’ll rack up because Jessica Alba will somehow find a way to blame the theatrical failure of The Love Guru on all the hormones you were thumping through her body during filming, you’ll have a gifted existence. A gifted existence indeed.

Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

Fat celebrities are so tiresome, aren’t they? Call them fat and they’ll bang on forever about how they’re happy in their own skin and don’t want to be judged by society’s faddish youth-obsessed standards – but then when they do manage to lose a bit of weight they’re all over the sodding place, bragging about how much better they feel and filming ‘look at me’ fitness DVDs and strutting around on TV in bikinis even though they’ve got so much loose skin hanging off them that even the slightest breeze would shoot them up into the nearest ceiling fan and cover everyone in a 50ft radius with guts and partially-digested Krisprolls.

One of these celebrities, as it turns out, is Fern Britton from This Morning. Not so long ago she was a plump size 22 who’d ironically advertise Ryvita and tell everyone that she was perfectly at ease with her weight. Next thing you you she’s a relatively slender size 16 who credits healthy eating and cycling for her weight loss and chucks out Pilates DVDs so that fat women everywhere could be more like her.

However, if Fern Britton really did want fat women to be more like her, she should have released a DVD entitled Getting A Gastric Band Wrapped Round Your Guts On The Sly And Then Bullshitting About It The Fern Britton Way, because that’s what she actually did. And now people are so appalled by the way that Fern mislead them that they’re muttering about her resignation.

OK, not people as such. Newspapers, mainly. But that’s just as good. However, it looks like Fern Britton’s job is safe for the time being, as The Mirror reports:

Fern Britton faces her viewers on TV today after admitting her drastic weight loss is due to a gastric band – not healthy eating and exercise as she claimed. The host of ITV’s This Morning, who shed five stone, was forced to admit yesterday she had the operation two years ago and was “very pleased with the results”… A spokeswoman told the Mirror: “This doesn’t affect her job at all.” Asked if Fern will make a statement on today’s show she said: “It will be something the production team will be considering but I don’t know.”

The spokeswoman is right – it’s absolutely ludicrous to assume that Fern Britton would resign from This Morning just because she didn’t tell anyone that she snuck off and had a plasticuff wrapped tightly around her gut to stop her from eating so much.

Of course, if it affects her work then it’s a different matter. If, for instance, Fern Britton has to stop her infectious onscreen bouts of laughter because she’s worried that her gastric band will ping off, causing the four months’ worth of cream cakes and pizza that’s backed up in her oesophagus at any one time to shoot directly down into her stomach, instantly bloating her out until her clothes rip and she’s just a big, naked, perfectly spherical glob of cholesterol rolling around on the floor and crying a lot, then maybe now really is the time for her to leave.

Although we hope that doesn’t happen because Fern’s ace and who’d replace her? Twiggy again? We’ll take our chances, thanks.

Well, the very same Robbie has been papped at his LA home, lounging by the pool with his lady – and by the looks of it he hasn’t half piled on the pounds.

He’s never been stick thin, and fair play to him for that. But he’s always been known as the ‘chubby one’, especially since Noel Gallagher labelled him ‘a fat dancer’ all those years ago.

Read the rest of this entry >>

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you'd think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn't fat, she's pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she's suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she's successful, but the smart money's on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

Here's a secret – last week we almost ran a story on those Daily Mail pictures of Lisa Marie Presley looking all fat. We chose not to because the whole story would have basically just been 'Ooh, look at the big fat wobbly lady! Ooh fatty fatty fatty! Ooh fatty fatty fatty! Want a sausage, do you, love? You gigantic fat chunky fatto!' and because we were probably running a more important story about Lindsay Lohan's tits or something instead. 

Anyway, it's just as well we didn't – because now Lisa Marie Presley is on the warpath. As she pointed out last week, Lisa Marie Presley only looks fat because she's pregnant. And, as the law states, if you call a pregnant woman fat, she can sue you for it.

So that's what Lisa Marie Presley has done. And, as anyone who's ever accidentally sat on a bus seat that a pregnant lady had her eye on knows only too well, The Daily Mail is about to get in the ear something chronic. Reuters reports:

"My client is deeply upset and offended by this article, especially as it was widely published just as she and her family were meant to be celebrating her happy news," said lawyer Simon Smith, who will represent Presley at the High Court… Presley, 40, wrote last week that she had been forced to "show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant. "Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight," she wrote on her blog at MySpace.com.

"Eerily howling with delight"? Either someone's been taking one of those nonsense creative writing day courses or all those cakes have got jammed into Lisa Marie Presley's brain and stopped it working properly. Maybe someone needs to sit Lisa Marie Presley down and tell her that actually, yes, she has been putting on quite a lot of weight. And that's because she's pregnant. You don't magically stay the same weight when there's a human being growing inside you draining you of nutrients, do you.

Anyway, suing a right-wing newspaper just because it said you're fat when actually you are fat should be the least of Lisa Marie Presley's concerns at the moment. Because in a few months, Lisa Marie is going to have to give birth to her baby. And the last time a Presley that size tried to push something that big out of their body, they ended up snuffing it on the crapper.

Read more:

Lisa Marie Presley sues Daily Mail – Reuters 

Don't be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she's now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.

No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.

Obesity is getting to be a real global epidemic these days, as anyone who's had to spend an eight-hour flight perched next to a gigantic, snoring, belching one-and-a-half seat-taking lardarse who you semi-honestly believe to be fat enough to crash through the bottom of the plane taking you with them will agree. But it's OK, because Kirstie Alley is on the case.

You know, Kirstie Alley. She used to be in Cheers, then gave it up to do nothing but sit at home force-feeding herself quesadillas like some kind of ginormous Mexican foie gras goose. Kirstie Alley even made Fat Actress, a TV show about how grossly overweight she was, to prove that actually she was quite happy being the size of a small European municipality. And then, deliberately undermining the point of Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley lost some weight, went on Oprah in a bikini and hasn't bloody shut up about it since.

Kirstie Alley credits much of her weight loss to Jenny Craig, the slimming company that says you'll probably only get thin if you eat pre-packaged food that's got 'Jenny Craig' written all over the front. And so vocal was Kirstie Alley about Jenny Craig that she ended up being the company's spokesperson for a while.

But not any more – Kirstie Alley has jacked in her spokesperson role and wants to devise a way for people to lose weight herself. According to The Associated Press:

"After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson," Alley said in a statement posted on People Magazine's Web site Tuesday. Alley, 57, told People that while her experience with Jenny Craig was "extraordinary," she wants "to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride." Alley said she intends to develop her own weight-loss brand with plans to launch in 2009. 

Don't feel bad for Jenny Craig, though. It's got another celebrity spokesperson in place already – Queen Latifah. Yes, we know that she's not actually that thin, but perhaps she's cheap or something.

As for Kirstie Alley, she'll spend the rest of the year slaving over her own weight-loss program. She'll put everything she has into figuring out a scientific explanation for why people get fat and the methods in which they can reverse the trend. 

And then next year Kirstie Alley will emerge from her supersize bunker clutching the heavy 1,000-page manuscript of her weight-loss formula – 999 pages of which will be blank, with the remaining one containing the words 'try eating less' in tiny print. Thanks Kirstie, you genius.

Read more:

Alley to Develop Own Weight Loss Brand – Associated Press 

Hey, don’t throw that half-eaten Twinkie at us – those things hurt when they’re stale – it’s Jessica Simpson that’s to blame. She’s hurting fat people everywhere. Millions of them, in fact. At least, that’s what the company that is suing her over an unreleased fitness video is saying. The good news for hurt fat people is that you can stop blaming your slow metabolism, glandular problem, or your genetics and start blaming Jessica Simpson.

Try it. We like it.  

There hasn’t been much press about Jessica Simpson lately, at least not compared to the couple of years where she was married to and divorcing Nick Lachey. Those were tough times. For us. Do you have any idea how many times we made complete buffoons of ourselves pronouncing ‘Lachey’ wrong? Did you know it’s pronounced ‘La-shay’, not ‘Lack-ee’?? No, really. It’s true.  

And then in 2005, that whole era was topped off with the Dukes of Hazzard movie where she maybe was, or maybe wasn’t doing the horizontal honky tonk with co-star Johnny Knoxville. Either way, it’s three years later and stage hands are still mopping up pools of embarrassing waste of time off the set floor. But what some people may not know is that Jessica Simpson ramped up more than a hamster with ADD on speed to get into amazing shape for her role as Daisy Duke in which she wore shortie shorts of the same name. We prefer ‘cheek-leak’ shorts to ‘Daisy Dukes’, but whatev.  

The point is that Jessica Simpson made a fitness video around that time entailing the workout she used to get into such fine shape. Haven’t seen it, have you. That’s because no one saw it. It wasn’t released. For one reason or another, Jessica Simpson stopped the video from being released. Was it because it produced a flurry of inappropriate remarks from her father/manager Joe Simpson about his daughter's bounteous physical attributes that created a vacuum of ickiness that threatened the very existence of mankind? We may never know, but yeah, it's probably the icky Dad thing.

Regardless of the reason why Jessica Simpson didn't want the video released, the production company is none too happy about the situation, and is suing her for 10 million dollars. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean said:

"They are hurting millions of fat people in America.”

This may come as a tremendous shock, but not all Americans are fat, and the millions that are were just waiting with baited, shortness of breath for the release of Jessica Simpson's fitness video so they could get into those Daisy Duke shorts. Now they can't. Thanks, Jessica Simpson.  

What we're more concerned with at this point, though, is how to get those fat people that wear Daisy Dukes anyway to stop. Stop it. Stop it, right now.  

Read more: 

Jessica Simpson Being Sued For $10m Over Fitness Video – Showbizspy

And all this has made Janice Dickinson thin. Not only that, but it's turned Janice Dickinson into a sort of fat-fairy who can twinkle into any room, wiggle her wand and declare that people are either fat or thin depending on nothing more than how she feels at any given moment in time. And, as such, Janice Dickinson has just told the world that Tyra Banks is fat on the Today show. Although Tyra Banks has yet to respond to Janice's fat claim, it's thought that she'll issue a statement by teatime declaring that Janice Dickinson lives in a cardboard box, has fleas and buys all her clothes from Asda.

That's unless she eats it first, the lardy moo.

God, we'd love to be models. Sadly our pallid skin, greenish teeth and aversion to vomiting up every meal we ever eat means we'll probably never get to live that dream, but what a dream it is. If you're a model you get to travel the world looking gaunt and never thinking about anything more challenging than lovely frocks for fear that your brain will burst into flames and – if you're really lucky – you get to knob Pete Doherty. That's the lifestyle we want, damnit!

Oh, also models get to sneer at everyone else in the world because several ancestral genetic flukes have left them with a lucratively withered face and jutted-out ribcage while the rest of us are all slightly paunchy in places. And some of them – like Janice Dickinson – can even sneer at other models for being fat when they clearly aren't anything of the sort.

Janice Dickinson has threatened to kick-start a war of words with Tyra Banks after she called her fat on the Today show yesterday. While discussing Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who was recently pictured on the beach with buttocks so dimply they could be used as novelty peanut dispensers, Janice Dickinson said:

"Jennifer Love Hewitt is a healthy, not emaciated woman. She is a healthy girl. These are unflattering camera angles on her. You want to see someone fat, I'm sorry, Tyra, Tyra Banks is fat!"  

Janice Dickinson's words might seem to you like nothing more than a vaguely childish playground taunt, but they words will cut much deeper for Tyra Banks. Firstly, for a former supermodel to call another former supermodel fat is the third-biggest insult in the trade – after 'Are they split-ends?' and 'Oh my God, did you just, like, actually digest some food?' – and also Tyra Banks already knows she's fat, thank you.

Tyra Banks has such a weird obsession about her weight fluctuations that every third episode of her daytime TV show is devoted to either wearing a fat-suit to understand what being fat is like, shouting angrily into cameras about why people shouldn't call her fat or standing about in a bikini screaming "Worship me! I am a fraction of one percent less fat than I was a month ago!"  

And now Janice Dickinson has just fuelled the fire of Tyra Banks' weight-based neuroses even further with her remarks. While we await Tyra's inevitable public reply – which we assume will either be an outraged monologue on her TV show or a slow slide into weepingly inert Krispy Kreme dependency – perhaps Janice Dickinson should take some time to look at her own behaviour.

After all, Janice Dickinson is one of the lucky ones – we can't all look like a knotted-up sheet of dried-out pigskin, you know.

Read more:

Janice Dickinson: "Tyra Banks Is Fat!" - OK!