Derren Brown, the British mind magician and all around annoying show off, has wowed the slackjawed public with his latest special, Hero at 30,000 feet, in which he takes a bad actor an average guy and turns him into a hero… at 30,000 feet (this is achieved with a plane in case you haven’t yet realised it).

Now, I’m not one to nit-pick (not true, I really am), but I had a bone to pick with this show. Most people will tell you that it was all staged and that it was done with split screen technology or something equally annoying, but that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was… Derren Brown appears to have just made a mockumentary version of Donnie Darko.

Let’s examine the evidence. Donnie Matt is an average guy who isn’t fulfilling his potential and is yearning to be special. One night he sleepwalks after being woken up by a mysterious voice that tells him he has about a month until a life changing event will occur. By this point all that’s missing is an 80s soundtrack and some rabbit ears on Brown. I half expected Matt to reveal he was just Jake Gyllenhaal wearing a, “stupid man suit.”

Derren, who is now quite obviously channelling Frank the Rabbit, then wakes up Matt again, to bring him into the middle of a field to explain how his life is unfulfilled. We are then introduced to an animal that Matt is told represents power, a crocodile, in the film this part was played by the statue of the school’s mascot. As much as I wanted to see Matt put an axe through its skull it, unfortunately, never happened.

Matt then goes through a series of events that includes theft, breaking into the house of a respected member of society (the police commissioner, who isn’t a paedophile in this show, or so we’re lead to believe) and a feat of super human strength when he breaks out of the strait jacket on the train tracks.

At one point, Brown even says Matt is going through a, “transformation from ordinary to extraordinary,” you know, like that high school kid who could time travel and had superpowers. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Donnie Darko.

But most of all, at the end of the show, a plane carrying some of his loved ones is supposed to be falling out of the sky and only he can save them!

Also the whole thing made about as much sense as Donnie Darko, but at least Drew Barrymore wasn’t in it.

Long-distance relationships don’t work – everyone knows that.

I had one once, it was a lot of hassle, too much travel and involved not nearly enough nookie. And nobody is worth that? Or are they?

It begs the inevitable question: How far would you travel just to see the woman/ man of your dreams? Down the street? To the ends of the earth? Croydon? Personally, if it is any longer than two tubes and a short bus ride, I am making other plans.

But then I am neither Drew Barrymore, who plays Erin, an aspiring journalist, nor Justin Long, a music promoter called Garrett.

Because if I was (and that has just planted some really odd thoughts into my head), I would be more than happy to travel between New York and San Francisco just to spend some quality time together.

Now, that’s a long way, and to be honest, even taking one tube to see Drew Barrymore on the big screen was a bit of a struggle for me, never mind travelling 3,000 miles to see her.

In fact, if it wasn’t for the promise of a free packet of toffee popcorn, I would have probably stayed indoors.

But then I guess I am not the target audience. I have a heart of flint and the only thing I know about romance comes from studying for my A-Level English Literature exams.

Also, unlike a lot of men I know, I am completely immune to Barrymore’s charms. Her and her owl’s anus of a mouth do nothing for me. (Actually, I say that, there was this one moment in Poison Ivy…).

The point is, like most men dragged to the cinema to watch ‘wrong-coms’ with their partners, I need something to keep me going. Sandra Bullock usually does the job. But Drew Barrymore and the gawky guy from Dodgeball? Hmmmm.

To be honest, the only way the film could have sounded even less enticing would have been if I had found out that Nicolas Cage was in it, with Danny DeVito as his comedy sidekick friend.

Thankfully, none of these things happened and, despite all my fears, Going the Distance, helmed by Nanette Burstein (On The Ropes), is an entertaining movie. No, really.

Now, when I say that, I have to admit the best scenes are reserved for when the happy couple are actually apart, which, as it’s a film about long-distance relationships, are mercifully quite common.

The reason for that is not because Long and Barrymore lack chemistry, it’s because their friends and family are a lot more interesting.

Firstly, there are Long’s mates, Box (Jason Sudeikis) and Dan (Charlie Day), who mercilessly rib their lovesick friend about his constant texting, as he struggles to keep the relationship going after Stanford student Erin returns home from her summer stint as an intern at the New York Sentinel.

His roommate, Dan, in particular, is a real treat, particularly his attempts at helping Garrett and Erin get together in the first place.

Then there’s Erin’s uptight sister Corinne, played by Christina Applegate, and her long-suffering husband Phil, played superbly by Jim Gaffigan.

They are helped by a script which splutters in parts but provides enough laughs to have you leaving the cinema with a smile on your face.

All in all, it all adds up to a decent rom-com capable of melting even the hardest of hearts.

Maybe I am a romantic after all. Maybe not.

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Given the high abundance of adolescent pseudo-intellectual gobbledegook that seeps from the jaws of Ellen Page’s Juno in the Oscar-winning movie of the same name, it’s hard to view her with anything but sheer barbaric contempt.

While she hardly shows much range beyond indie-grunge smarty-pants, at least in Whip It she appears likeable. Well, likeable in as much as we didn’t want to choke her on her obvious collection of Dawson’s Creek spin-off novellas.

Whip It, while still neck high in offbeat comedy and teen ideals, proves to beat Juno at its heart,  making for a more relatable coming-of-age story. Oh, and features more girl power than one Geri Halliwell’s padded bras from the ‘90s.

The real impact of the film comes from the ruthless ring of the Roller Derby. Bone-crunching spectacle of girl-on-girl action, it’s joyously outrageous and consistently pulse-racing. It’s a surprise spectacle that is handled with care, humour and emotion.

Certainly, Drew Barrymore’s – yeah, that moppet from ET turned Charlie’s Angel – directional prowess is proved especially in the action, managing to effortlessly keep up with the heart-pounding pace of the track. It only really suffers when she falls into familiar tropes of the indie genre.

Page suffers the same, engaging when interacting with her teammates, coming out of her shell when turning from day-to-day Bliss into Babe Ruthless on the traick and even sparking in the witty banter between the team and the coach (an excellent Andrew Wilson – the forgotten brother of Luke and Owen). When she goes through the romantic notions with prog-rock singer Oliver it starts to all fall apart. The offbeat soundtrack gets turned-up, sickening displays of deluded romantic notions (singing on car bonnets in the middle of nowhere; breaking into a swimming pool and somehow holding their breath underwater long enough to have sex) all start to weigh-down the midsection.

The family drama manages to walk the line slightly better, with Bliss’ beauty obsessed mother (Marcia Gay Harden - featuring a nifty plastic forehead) unsure how to deal with her ugly duckling daughter, even Dad (City Slicker and Home Alone alumni Daniel Stern looking about twenty years and stone older) is keeping his own secrets like his daughter.

By final stretch, there are so many loose ends that it works hard to tie them all up as neatly as possible. Perhaps a problem of trying to pack in more of the source material than necessary (it was a book after all) but each resolution comes unnecessarily thick and fast.

Still, it ends with one hell of a Derby, with Ruthless against her newfound adversary, Iron Maven (Juliette Lewis), taking to the track in grand crescendo of girls smashing each other in the face while wearing short-shorts. Frankly, if that’s not the best thing to happen to cinema in the last decade then we don’t know what is.

‘Spray Rating: 3.5/5

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Trends – they’re really cyclical. A couple of years ago, were you to go for a wander wearing a beret and red trousers that perfectly contoured the exact definition of your groin, everyone would think that you were a weirdo.  Not now though. You’d be just another guy in beret and jeans, having a bit of a stroll.

And, of course, the clever ones know to hang onto these garments, even when they no longer feature on the cutting edge. They shall rise again. They always do. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day… and for a bit of the rest of your life.

Anyway, the point being that – thanks to a new Drew Barrymore film – roller skating looks all set to soar again, as it once did in the 1970s and 1980s. Hence, we thought it high time to leap directly onto the bandwagon early doors, and after the jump there are ten wonderful roller skating videos that you can show to your friends, as you explain that, really, you’ve always been into it…The Empire Rink, 1978

Believe it or not, but roller skating in a pair of minuscule shorts used to be considered a rather macho thing to do. You might not sense it from the above clip, but these men were dripping with testosterone. Absolutely dripping.

Bobby Cash Redd, Skate Party People

It’s a shame that people don’t make songs about their favourite hobbies any more – the charts could well do with a couple of funk-driven numbers about speed walking, or dicking around on computer games. Above is a great example of a genuinely brilliant song about roller skating.

Skatetown USA

Not an actual town, this was, in fact, an early example of Patrick Swayze‘s acting/dancing skills. May he rest in peace etc…

Gene Kelly on Roller Skates

Probably the greatest dancer of them all – and that includes Travolta in Staying Alive, AND Pacino in Scarface – Gene Kelly was one of the first Hollywood stars to incorporate wheels into his work. And with magnificent results.

Roller Skating Music by Michael Lauziere

Some roller skaters like to take their sport to the extremes. Some go over ramps, some jump from building to building. Others tie cutlery to their equipment and use old glass bottles to make songs happen (above)

De La Soul, A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturday

Rap music’s favourite hippies managed to mistime the upsurge in roller skating popularity by almost twenty years, but now this could conceivably make for a rather smashing Number One hit single.

The Dolly Dots Roller Skating

The great thing about roller skating is that it was very inclusive. You didn’t need much money, just a pair of smelly trainers, some old wheels, a tool kit, a Krypton Factor mind that understood physics, some DIY skills, bits of metal, probably a decent pen, expert balance, and some nice shorts. The ladies above probably splashed out on some expensive ones.

Flight of the Conchords, Ladies of the World

The magnificent New Zealand duo have already paid a rich and fitting homage to roller skating, in a song about wanting to have it off with as many girls as their underpants can handle.

Roller Boogie

The underground roller skating community was awash with sexual chemistry, as these gliding youngsters fell in love with one another mid-move. Roller Boogie caught this steamy electricity and took it to the silver screen. To skating enthusiasts, this was basically pornography.

Vaughan Mason and Crew, Bounce, Rock, Skate, Roll

The greatest roller skating song of them all, this urged listeners to “bounce”, then “rock”, then “skate”, then “roll” and then do it all over again. Repeatedly. Until death.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. May he live forever.

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Here’s one (not) made earlier.

In a movie industry dominated by action hero sequels, re-makes and Judd Apatow productions, there sometimes comes a long a comedy that truly is the cream on top of the cake.

Whip It follows Bliss Cavendar, an unhappy teen trapped in her small Texan town, until she discovers a hard core roller derby league in Austin. Bliss soon discovers that sometimes you need to grab life by the wheels and roll on out your own destiny.

Drew Barrymore directs, Shauna Cross writes and Ellen Page stars in this roller derby extravaganza. If that wasn’t enough, Juliette Lewis, Marcia Gay Harden and Alia Shawkat also feature. It’s the female buddy movie that Hollywood has needed for years and there isn’t a ravine in sight.

Whip It is due to hit US cinemas this October, and I implore you to go check it out when it reaches your shore or border. Seriously, not since chocolate covered pretzels came to England have I been this excited.

Imagine Little Women; but with all the girls having the personality of Jo, and instead of ice skates they are all wearing roller skates, and instead of giving curtseys they give smackdowns. With names like Malice in Wonderland, Smashly Simpson and Dinah Might you know it ain’t no Starlight Express.

From trailers, clips, interviews and insider scoop, this will be one of the coolest movie of the year. If being entertained for two hours doesn’t appeal, at least do the honorable thing and bust some moves at your local roller disco.

This movie is a win-win situation, so get your skates on.

[story by Gemma Addy]

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The Twilight movies are unique, in that a monkey could direct them, so long as it was a) cheap and b) fast.

And able to make Robert Pattinson look suitably vacant. But that one’s a given. Anyway, rumour has it that Twilight is about to break from the norm by hiring a director who’s shown signs of basic competency to direct Twilight 3. According to reports, Juan Antonio Bayona of The Orphanage is onboard.

However, according to some other reports, Drew Barrymore is going to direct Twilight 3. Phew, that was close – for a second there we almost wanted to see it.

Although only one of them has been released – and although we resolutely refuse to watch it on the basis that we’re not 14-year-old girls from Idaho, we don’t wear a purity ring and we don’t wish that we had a vampire boyfriend who looks like a crayon face on a plank of wood with an abused cat sellotaped to the top of it – it’s pretty clear that the Twilight movies stick to a pretty rigid formula.

That formula, as if you needed to be told, involves writing, filming, editing and releasing any old piece of crap you can within the space of about six weeks while blindly panicking that today’s fickle youth are going to move onto their next cacky fad at any minute. It’s why Twilight 2 has started filming four months after Twilight 1 was released, and why Twlight 3 is going to come out about six seconds after Twilight 2.

That’s why the Twilight producers, this far, haven’t really bothered to implement much in the way of quality control when it comes to the Twilight directors. Twilight was directed by the woman who made the rubbish nativity film, Twilight 2 is being directed by the man who destroyed The Golden Compass and Twilight 3… well, that’s where things get interesting.

Depending on who you believe, Twilight 3 is either going to be directed by Juan Antonio Bayona – protege of Pan’s Labyrinth mastermind Guillermo Del Toro and director of the surprisingly creepy 2007 Spanish horror The Orphanage – or Drew Barrymore, who many of you will know as either a cocaine-snorting 13-year-old or the actress who only makes terrible romantic comedies these days.

For the sake of our health, let’s assume it’s the former. MTV reports:

Many names have been tossed into the “Eclipse” director chair, but at this point the front-runner to helm the third movie in the “Twilight” saga is Guillermo del Toro protégé Juan Antonio Bayona. Although many have been rumored to direct the film, including “New Moon” director Chris Weitz’s brother, Paul Weitz, at this point Bayona seems like he’s in the lead.

While it’s obviously a shame that Paul Weitz won’t be directing Twilight 3 – especially since they could have got Chris Weitz’s sister’s dentist to do Twilight 4 and dovetailed it off nicely – we’re sure that whoever ends up as the Twilight 3 director will be just fine, so long as they remember the three golden rules of Twilight:

1 - Put Robert Pattinson in all the scenes, even the ones where it’s dramatically important that he doesn’t appear.

2 – Simplify everything: imagine that you’re telling your story to idiots. Literal idiots.

3 - Turn the volume up. The sound of 250 teenage girls wetting themselves at once can drown out a surprising amount of dialogue, you know.

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As Jeremy Thomas, Tom Green, Jane Pratt, Fabrizio Moretti & the people in charge of food on the set of Music & Lyrics might tell you, Drew Barrymore’s bad side is not a place you want to be.

Justin Long might tell you that too, but give him a week or so. And why don’t you want to incur her anger? because if you do she’ll chase you down, pounce on your right shoulder and suck your heart out through a hole she bites in the back of your neck.

That was actually a recurring dream we had for most of the sixth grade. We still can’t watch her films without trembling. Another person who will probably never be able to stand the sight of her again (especially enlarged like that on the silver screen), is the guy that just made her the victim of a hit and run.

He didn’t get away. She chased him in her car at speeds in excess of 35 mph.

Hey – we’re serious here.

When Drew Barrymore is out for a drive, she likes to do so with whimsical music seeping out her car speakers while sniffing the wig she once put on ET. It smells cinnamony we bet.

That’s not a fact mind you – but if we were her then 90% of the things we ever did would revolve around props from that set. For instance our living-room chairs would all be bike baskets. We have all this planned in case we’re ever trapped in a situation extremely close to the plot of Oh, God! You Devil. You never know.

What Barrymore doesn’t like when she’s out driving is four tons of steel getting violently rammed up her rear end. Of her car. That happened recently – she was out driving when karma finally caught up to her for stealing Tom Green‘s good testicle. Give that back and maybe your car will be magically repaired, Drew.

But the actress prefers to rely on her insurance company rather than fate, so when a car rammed her from behind, she sped after it with the most violent of intentions. And by that we mean she wanted to write down the offender’s license plate number – in blood! We mean in ink!

TMZ, please inform:

“Drew Barrymore was the victim of a hit and run yesterday — but she may have gotten enough info so cops can catch the guy…Barrymore was driving in West Hollywood just before noon yesterday when she was rear-ended… Barrymore followed the driver after he fled the scene, but eventually lost track of the car. Never fear, though, law enforcement sources tell TMZ she got the license plate number of the car and they are investigating.”

Witnesses tell us that if Barrymore took her car off any wicked awesome jumps in the chase, and maybe landed her car right on top of the other guy’s vehicle pinning him between her two driver’s side tires, nobody saw it.

But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Read More:

Move Over, Batman. We Got Barrymore – E! Online