For centuries now we’ve all wondered what would happen if a drunken Ringo Starr were to make sweet love to a liquored-up Mickey Mouse. For most of us the answer is obvious – Pluto would move out.

We’re not really sure if it’d be genetically possible for them to breed – but a kid eventually born with the mouse’s ears and Ringo’s sniffer, well he’d have a tough time in grade school.

Of course they’d never actually mate for some reason we can’t put our fingers on, but they could collaborate in other ways – like in Disney’s upcoming remake of Yellow Submarine.

Nowadays when we think of the Beatles we think of baby seals turned inside out and smeared all over Indian huts. We’re really not sure why. That or we think of their fans finally understand that Ringo doesn’t even like them. It’s sad on both counts, really.

And when we think of Disney we think of them afloat in a huge ocean on a Pixar buoy, to be quite honest.

But as far as thinking of The Beatles and Disney both at the same time – well that’s something we’ve never done. Robert Zemeckis has though. Variety says he has, anyway:

“Disney and director Robert Zemeckis are negotiating to remake “Yellow Submarine,” the 1968 psychedelic animated film based on the music of The Beatles…The hope is to have “Yellow Submarine” ready to premiere around the 2012 Summer Olympics, which begins July 27 in London.”

“Think Mulan but with a mustache,’ Zemeckis is quoted as saying, ‘also Donny Osmond will have nothing to do with production, and good gosh we wouldn’t touch Eddie Murphy.”

That’s surprisingly rude, Zemeckis, and frankly we didn’t know such harshness could spring from your lips. If you said that at all that’s very rude. You probably didn’t say it. It’s fiction.

Well all we can say is the London Olympics are very lucky to have such an important musical film readied just for them. For fear of feeling left out, Disney’s remaking the Monkees’ Head for Vancouver 2010, Dreamworks is pushing out Eddie & the Cruisers III: Still Cruising Again for Sochi in 2014, and paramount is redoing just the dance scene from the first Back to the Future pic.

That one’s not so much for any specific Olympics as it is anybody willing to pay for admission to it.

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There was never any spontaneous singing though – and a good thing too, because that would have been super gay – like East High gay. Speaking of which – you know how there’s been a pleasant calm in the world since everyone everywhere knows the cast graduated, and so can’t make any more sequels?

Well no more – Disney has just committed to HSM4.

Well Disney’s just signed on to make High School Musical 4 – but don’t worry because they know that the three they’ve already delivered have been largely regarded as unacceptable by anyone who’s not a blind or deaf woman.

To resolve this issue the next instalment is going to be sci-fi and set one billion years in the future. Everyone will still sing, but the song topics will revolve around how the sun is expanding into a red giant, and how are the kids gonna save their gymnasium from getting swallowed by it. The gym, incidentally, is where they took state like 1000 years in a row. That’s why they’re all so attached.

Don’t expect to see Vanessa Hudgens in a skin-tight, tin foil space suit though – the cast will be all new. Also don’t actually expect to see outer space at all. What you can expect is this – we peeled it off of Reuters:

“Walt Disney Co’s teen hit franchise “High School Musical” is coming back for a fourth time — but with a new cast of characters, the company said on Tuesday. “High School Musical 4″ will debut on the Disney Channel in 2010 — marking a return to its original cable home after the third instalment danced into movie theaters in 2008. Disney Channel said in a statement the story would feature a music- and dance-filled love triangle set against cross-town rivalry between fictional high schools in Albuquerque, N.M.”

Notice any talk of laser swords and space monsters is conspicuously absent. That’s pretty lame if you ask us. Still though – the script can’t be finalized yet. Lets throw some donkeys with jet-packs in there or something. They could maybe be on a quest to save their robot queen – that plot would really write itself.

Just do it, stupid writers.

Why people even make movies without laser swords, space monsters and jet-packing mules is beyond us. For instance, think of how much better HSM 3 would have been if Troy had to chop everyone at his prom in half real quick because a weird looking lizard beast was hiding inside of a classmate.

Had that been the case, Slumdog Millionaire probably wouldn’t be getting so much press right now.

With that, we think you’ll probably agree.

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No wardrobes, though. Wardrobes can eff off. However, despite The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe’s success, the other Narnia books are as popular as diarrhoea in a wetsuit. And that’s why Disney decided not to make the third Narnia movie, The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader.

But relax – Twentieth Century Fox has stepped in to produce The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader. You’ll see your boring film about irritating children titting about on a boat with a Jesus-lion after all!

If you ever wanted to see a classic example of short-term thinking gone wrong, you don’t need to look any further than Disney and Walden Media’s decision to adapt all of CS Lewis‘ Chronicles Of Narnia books into movies.

Sure, the first one’s OK. There’s a scary witch in The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, and Santa Claus, and a paedo-goat. You know, for the kids. And Prince Caspian’s decent enough as well – true, it hasn’t got as much zip as the first book, but at least there’s a sexy prince in it.

But then the third Narnia book is about some people on a boat, the fourth Narnia book is about a chair, the fifth Narnia book hasn’t got any of the characters from the other books in it and is about a talking horse, the sixth Narnia book is basically the first bit of the Bible but with a talking lion in it and the seventh Narnia book is a lot of racist nonsense where a woman essentially gets thrown out of heaven for having a fanny. And worst of all? No bloody wardrobes.

So that, added to the fact that last year’s movie version of Prince Caspian was basically a Kwiksave Lord Of The Rings that nobody really wanted to see, meant that Disney last year decided not to produce The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, citing ‘budgetary considerations and other logistics’ – clearly code for ‘we don’t want to keep making increasingly unpopular Jesus movies about big-toothed children who everyone secretly wants to drown’.

But just as it looked like the Narnia franchise was done for, Twentieth Century Fox has stepped in to save the day, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

Twentieth Century Fox has agreed to co-finance the third movie in the “Chronicles of Narnia” series, pending approval of the final script and shooting budget. If all goes as planned, Fox and Walden Media, which controls the movie rights to C.S. Lewis’ classic children’s books, hope to be begin production on “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” by late summer so it will be ready for holiday 2010 release.

Good! That’s more like it – 20th Century Fox gets a say over the script. Fox knows what makes a movie tick, so hopefully it’ll get right down to it and turn The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader into a legitimately popular movie. And that means less of the Jesus crap. And it’s set on a spaceship, not a boat. And Aslan is a robot that can shoot lasers out of his eyes. And there’s a funny dog in it. Gold.

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9 - Oh Disney, you rampant sexist – Image

8 – Debbie Harry looks good these days. Suspiciously good – TMZ

7 - Reasons why Yahoo Answers is amazing, part 43 - Image

6 - Child gymnasts give us the creeps. Here’s why – Break

5 - One reason this list is missing is ‘you can cripple yourself trying to type with only your thumbs on the train because a fat man isn’t taking up half your seat’ – Arstechnica

4 - Hey, a real-life supervillain – Cracked

3 – People are idiots – Image

2 - On a new year’s diet? Then click here and fail – Screwattack

1 – Drug-free hallucinations. If any of you try the ping pong ball/radio one, let us know. It sounds ace – Boston

Don’t know who Adrienne Bailon is? Don’t worry – neither do we! Just know that there are naked Adrienne Bailon photos all over the internet, and there’s supposedly a sex tape on the way too. Best of all, Adrienne Bailon is 25 years old, so you can look at her naked photos without being terrified that the police will find the images on your hard drive and get all Gary Glitter on you.

We’re sure this is hugely embarrassing time for Adrienne Bailon, and the poor girl’s probably worried that these naked photos will spell the end of her career – but there’s no reason for that to happen. Just look at Kim Kardashian – a similar thing happened to her and she managed to last three full weeks on Dancing With The Stars. That’s the big time, Adrienne!

We know this makes us sound old, but naked internet photos of female celebrities just aren’t what they were. Time was you’d be tripping over all sorts of nude photos of everyone from Vanessa Hudgens out of High School Musical to the dull one from Sex And The City to the ginger mannish one from Desperate Housewives.

But now? Now people are so uptight that they throw a tantrum if they see some of Miley Cyrus’ back. That’s hardly the reaction of a rational society, and so we all need to thank Adrienne Bailon with all our hearts for what she’s just done.

You see, naked photos of Adrienne Bailon have appeared on the internet, and they’ve created a sort of perfect naked storm. Here’s why.

Adriene Bailon is one of the stars of Disney’s Cheetah Girls – which means there’s corrupted youth, the tainted reputation of an organisation that prides itself on family appeal and something for the dads. Adrienne Bailon is 25 – which means there isn’t the moral iffyness that you get from gawping at a naked teenager. Adrienne Bailon is also dating Kim Kardashian’s brother – which means there’s an ingrained tradition of getting naked on the internet at work. And, best of all, there’s supposedly an Adrienne Bailon sex tape on the loose as well – which means that she’s definitely a bit dirty and can’t get away with the ‘this was a one-time mistake’ excuse. See? Perfect.

Now, the usual formula of reacting to this sort of thing involves a couple of weeks spent complaining about intrusion of privacy until the girl realises that she can make millions of dollars by agreeing to distribute the sex tape. But that’s not the case with the naked pictures of Adrienne Bailon, because Adrienne is furious enough to sue anyone who distributes her naked photos. Her lawyer has released the following statement:

“The photos that have surfaced of Adrienne Bailon were stolen from her laptop over a week ago at an airport in NY and sent to several media outlets. These photos were taken in private. Adrienne will be pursuing legal action against the person or person’s sending these private photos out. Adrienne is deeply sorry for any pain this may have caused to her fans.“

Honestly, was that really necessary? By all means Adrienne Bailon should sue anyone who tries to distribute these naked photos of her – even though they’ve made her a billion times more famous than she was a couple of weeks go – but come on.

Lawyers are expensive, and it’s silly to waste your money paying them to apologise to your fans. You’re a Cheetah Girl, for crying out loud. How many fans have you got? And don’t count all the randy old pervert fans you’ve picked up in the last couple of days. That’d be cheating.

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But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up – Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life – but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

We get the feeling that Miley Cyrus is trying to grow up and shed her teenybop image at the moment. It might not be obviously apparent, but it’s true – we’ve managed to pick up hints by observing the way that Miley Cyrus keeps taking off all her clothes, has snared herself a 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend and has curiously developed a voice that sounds like Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget.

And quite right too – just because Miley Cyrus is three years away from being able to vote or have sex and six years away from being able to drink and still lives with her parents and isn’t even allowed to go and see Tropic Thunder by herself yet, it doesn’t mean she’s a child.

But there’s one thing standing between Miley Cyrus and her dreams of maturity, and that’s her show Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is a sensation – it has spawned a movie, sold-out tours, ten CDs, four DVDs, five videogames and 20 novelisations in two years – but it appears that Miley Cyrus might be getting a little bit sick of it holding her back.

Reports this week suggested that Miley Cyrus was going all-out to get the sack from Hannah Montana, by turning up to work late, holding up filming wherever possible and generally infuriating everyone she works with. However, leaving aside the fact that Hannah Montana makes so much money that Miley Cyrus could probably stroll into work clutching the severed head of Nelson Mandela and not get fired for it, Disney and Miley have rushed out statements to deny these reports outright. According to Reuters:

Patti McTeague, a Disney spokeswoman for the “Hannah Montana” show, told Reuters that reports of on-set turmoil were “absolutely not true, pure gossip.” “I am fully committed to ‘Hannah Montana,’” Cyrus told People, “It’s what gave me this amazing opportunity to reach out to so many people.”

Look, everyone, this united front act is nice and all, but you can drop it. If Miley Cyrus wants to leave Hannah Montana, let her.

And so what if Miley’s attempts to become a proper grown-up entertainer leave her twisting in the wind like a modern-day Dustin Diamond because she never realised that people only liked her for being in Hannah Montana? It’s not as if Miley doesn’t have other career options – we’re sure she’ll make a bucketload of money from the tragic, embittered ‘Dad, you stole my childhood’ autobiography that she’ll inevitably write before the age of 25, for example.

And Disney should think of the benefits of Miley Cyrus leaving Hannah Montana too – with her gone, it’ll be free to start up a brand new cacky kid’s sitcom with a younger, cheaper teenage star who’ll quickly get corrupted by fame and end up having bizarre opinions of herself that are far above her station as well. It’s not the end of the world by any means.

One more time, for the road, Miley Cyrus has got half naked, someone has taken photos and one more time, for the road, they have been uploaded on to the internet. And we all know how very much the world of the internet loves pictures of 15-year-olds in small amounts of clothing.

She’s fifteen, people. Stop it. If this were a no-name young girl from Bognor Regis then whomever uploaded these pictures would probably receive something of a slapped wrist by the local authorities, but because it’s a superstar Disney child-celeb it’s all fine to go plastering half the internet with scantly-clad photographs of her.

Go on – search for it. You’ll find them on supposedly respectable sites, including FOX News. This is the same FOX News that cries crocodile tears and attempts to whip up public outrage every time anything ‘immoral’ happens in the world. Apparently a small girl in her underwear doesn’t qualify for that same outrage – in fact, it’s news.

If you’ve resisted the tempation to look at these near-naked photos of a child doing the rounds then well done, you’re one of the few that will be allowed to survive the hecklerspray armageddon, which will allow us a fresh start in a world free of the absolute filth of the earth gutter scum that seem to be propagating everywhere the ex-Hannah Montana is popping up.

Not content with appearing on the front of Vanity Fair and making some people – apart from her dad, seemingly – uncomfortable with the semi-nudity on show, Miley went on to have about thirty thousand different pictures of hear nearly with her clothes all (mostly) off and stuff.

Obviously the tweeny little thing apologised for all her actions and went back to work as normal with her Disney cohorts. But she just couldn’t help herself, could she? No, like every other person in the world since the advent of Myspace, she decided she simply had to take even more pictures of herself with very few clothes on.

Kids are idiots, aren’t they? Especially ones very much in the public eye. Either that or they’ve become even cleverer than they’ve ever been and are involved in campaigns to make adults around the world feel slightly uncomfortable with the imagery they are confronted with on supposedly reputable news-based websites.

But no – we aren’t going to judge Miley Cyrus for this. She’s either been very stupid or very smart, and either way she’s grabbed herself a ton of new headlines. No, we’ll go for those of questionable morality that seem to be having so much fun plastering the internet with these images as news.

We now live in a world where it has become acceptable for $14 million to be paid for pictures of babies, and where photographs of an underage girl posing with little in the way of clothes has become front page news – with the pictures (or at least links to the pictures) posted alongside the report.

But at least we can still wait for the ultimate test, to see how low these people will really stoop. According to FOX News:

“DigitalGangster.com allegedly has even more scandalous images of Cyrus.”

Let’s see if the world will actually post what is technically child porn as news. Go on. Let’s really see how fucked society has become.

It was a time when some things happened, some stuff did some stuff and some naughty drugs were taken a lot by high-powered businessmen in high-powered business suits.

It was also a time when the original The Evil Dead movie came out, made for around $375,000, starring nobodies, with a sense of humour and receiving a great deal of positive remarks from the critics. Fast forward to the other year and Sam Raimi, director of The Evil Dead has just released Spider-Man 3; a huge-budget summer blockbuster, starring some of Hollywood’s biggest names and courting some very mixed reviews.

The hecklerspray review? It’s shit. No one wants an emo Spider-Man.

Anyway – whatever could be next for the director who really has worked his arse off, seemingly to make some medicore-but-expensive films, all with cameos of Bruce Campbell? Why not move on to some Disney stuff, to make your journey to the dark side complete? Oh, he already has. The bugger.

Yes, Sam Raimi has made his move to the truly evil realms of Hollywood complete by signing on to produce The Transplants – a Disney film referred to as ‘an action-adventure with a comedic bent’. We can handle that. Maybe. It’s alright – he’ll do a good job, surely… right?

But hold on – there’s no need for unfounded optimism. The threat of Raimi truly making the film his own and thus giving it what we call ‘potential’ has been immediately quashed, as The Transplants is written by Adam Jay Epstein and Andrew Jacobsen. For those who don’t know, which will be most of you, they wrote Not Another Teen Movie.

Ah well, it’ll just be another movie to ignore in a year or two. Not like we don’t have a big enough list to fit them all on.

Maybe we will be proven very wrong though, for once, and this will turn out to be a wonderful experience for the whole family. Maybe Raimi will take the title a little more literally than what is probably intended, and subject the audience to two hours of hilarious organ and limb transplants for the sake of medical/Disney science, with cameos of famous characters for good measure.

Baloo could swap brains with The Lion King’s Scar, making for one of the most evil and physically threatening characters in the history of film. Pick a paw paw BAM! One dead Mowgli.

Maybe the kids from High School Musical could have their limbs replaced with those of Bambi, making for far more entertaining dance routines.

Or Robin Williams’ Genie from Aladdin could be transplanted. Off the screen. Forever.

As long as Raimi keeps his own sense of humour and puts Bruce Campbell in there somewhere it’s sure to keep the nerds happy. Oh, and as long as we don’t have to put up with another unlikeable emo superhero.

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

A week has now passed since Miley momentarily interrupted the earth’s orbit by getting her filthy underage back out for Annie Leibovitz’s camera.

The world didn’t know what to do with itself. It asked questions like ‘is this pornography?’ and ‘how could a Disney sweetheart be such a slut?’ and ‘what is the point in living anymore?’

The reason the world asked such questions is because it is an incredibly stupid place, which God will soon have his merry way with.

Pornography is defined as ‘sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal ‘ and as we can all see, the primary purpose of those photos was to get the idiots of the world barking about Miley’s integrity until she became the biggest celebrity in the world.

Hats off.

Come on world, we’re living in a day and age when people like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are the most idolised figures on you. The youth of today wants to be like these people. And how did Paris, Britney and Lindsay get there? By acting like sluts. If you’re offended by it then stop bloody paying them attention!

Miley said to the crowd last night:

I hope you had an awesome time. I saw a sign back there that said, ‘Miley, I’m praying for you.’ I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love everyone of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you.

Dear God,

Please look down kindly upon Miley Cyrus. We’re all terribly worried for her, despite the fact she’s the most successful 15-year-old in the world and, rather than praying for you to help the far more urgent state of our intelligence, we’d like to ask you to make sure that Miley continues in her battle to take over the world, at least until her inevitable horrific decline.

Amen.

Read More – Miley Thanks Fans For Support – People

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

Oh, sweet Cyrus, it’s all cosy now. You’re America’s golden child and the whole country has got your back. But soon you’ll want your freedom; you’ll want to go out to clubs and meet male people who’ll want to introduce you to Mr Winky!

You’ll probably find that you’re naturally inclined to like Mr Winky too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Miley, but you will be ashamed – because you’re the Disney girl.

Disney girls don’t do sex, they get impregnated by swirling kisses, their babies delivered to them by stalks, and as the DUIs and the rehab visits steadily increase as you fail to deal with the forever blossoming fact that nobody lives happily ever after in this horrible world, we’ll still be here, gawping at you and gawping at you, safe in the knowledge that your resultant disintegrating, achey-breaky heart was exactly what we were after.

That’s one potential future at least.

In the new pictures, she is standing fully-clothed in between Mickey and Minnie Mouse, all three of them with post-coitus-ish smiles stretched across their face.

We are not suggesting for one moment that Mickey, Minnie and Miley had a Disneyfied three-way – why would you even think that? The style of their smile is merely a coincidence. Not that we wouldn’t wish it upon Mickey – God knows he must be bored after a centuries worth of fucking that particular squeaky dullard. We bet he dreams of Minnie taking part in an Annie Leibovitz photoshoot!

God damn it Minnie! Rip that soccer-mom dress off, open up your spindly-kegs, show Mickey the rat of the mouse and finally give him something worthwhile to write home to Pluto about.

There were rumours that Disney wanted to cease all links with Miley after she showed her back breasts to the world, but they’re pretty much ended now with this photo-shoot, along with her upcoming performance at the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday.

Stay tuned for all the latest Miley Cyrus news, coming to you from a world called hecklerspray.

Read more – Miley Cyrus back in squeaky-clean mode after topless shoot – Telegraph

But try telling that to Disney. Even though she seems more comfortable these days posing vulnerably under satin sheets and draping herself over her father’s lap in an uncomfortably sexual way, Miley Cyrus is still one of Disney’s biggest cash cows. And that’s why the corporation has refused to scrap Miley’s upcoming concert set for Saturday.

However, in a nod to the effect of the scandal and her new audience, Disney has staged a last-minute change of venue for the concert. Now, instead of performing at the sun-dappled Disney World Resort in Orlando, Miley Cyrus will be appearing at a grotty underground basement in front of an audience comprised soley of raincoat-wearing middle-aged, yellow-eyed, nicotine-stained Frenchmen.

Miley Cyrus has been at the centre of a gigantic shitstorm this week. Those not-quite topless Miley Cyrus photos in Vanity Fair have been perhaps the most controversial photos published since those regrettable hecklerspray/ strap-on/ farmyard animal/ nun/ cheesecake snaps of 2004.

The fallout from the Miley Cyrus topless photo scandal has been so red-hot that it’s been inescapable. Photographer Annie Leibovitz has been blamed, Miley Cyrus’ parents have been blamed, the news media has endlessly discussed the fine line between art and manipulation of children, and it’s meant that we’ve all had plenty of chances to see what Miley Cyrus looks like with her top off whether we want to or not.

But one thing’s for certain. Long gone is the old Miley Cyrus, the Miley Cyrus who’d sell a billion records with her fresh-faced wholesome grin and fortunate inability to get pregnant. And in her place is a brand-new, all grown-up Miley Cyrus who isn’t afraid to explore her sexuality in public even though she’s legally not allowed to be sexually active at all until November 2010.

But tell that to Disney. To Disney, Miley Cyrus is the big-eyed redneck face of Hannah Montana who makes them enough money to keep their diamond-encrusted jetski practice pools topped up with fresh unicorn tears all the time.

It doesn’t matter that the wheels are already starting to fall off the Miley Cyrus train, and that this topless photo scandal looks set to destroy Miley’s career for good. If anything, it just means that Miley Cyrus needs to work twice as hard to make Disney as much money as possible before she becomes just another washed up former child star. And that’s why Disney is still wheeling Miley Cyrus out to Disney World this weekend to sing and dance like a monkey on Saturday. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed that the 15-year-old, who has been working in Nashville this week on her upcoming Hannah Montana movie, will go forward as planned with a special concert set to take place at (where else?) the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday. As far as Cyrus’ participation continuing as scheduled, Disney spokeswoman Brenda Kelly Grant told E! News that “nothing has changed on our production.”

Actually, maybe Disney has a point. The more it lingers on those Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photos, the bigger deal it becomes. It’s probably for the best, in fact, that Miley Cyrus ploughs on through as normal, because the pictures will be easily resigned to the past soon enough if she refuses to listen to all the kneejerk outcry coming from smallminded fools.

Plus this way Miley Cyrus gets to use the concert to try out her new songs I’m Just A Sexy Schoolgirl, Can I Lick Your Lollipop? and Wow Daddy (Your Arms Are So Big).

Read more:

Miley Still Working for the Mouse – E! Online

But that’s not the case at all. Eager to keep churning out enough High School Musicals to keep everyone in solid gold bathtubs for a decade, Disney has announced that there’s a High School Musical 4 in the pipeline.

However, don’t expect too many of your favourite High School Musical characters in High School Musical 4, because rumour has it that there’ll be a mostly-new cast. Which we’re eternally thankful to Disney for – after all, the High School Musical cast of today is the middle-aged pervert’s grubby naked sex fantasy object of tomorrow.

The High School Musical movies might look like an awful lot of fun – all cartwheeling down corridors and making best friends forever with an appropriately racially-diverse group of bright-eyed youngsters – but the reality couldn’t be further removed.

Churning out one High School Musical movie after another is hard work on everyone. The songwriters must be running out of ideas by now – surely there are only so many ways to put across the sentiment that everyone is in everything together and also special and flying and stuff – and the High School Musical cast is now so old and clearly un-high school that some of their internal organs are starting to pop.

So the High School Musical franchise should clearly be put out to pasture, right? Oh yeah, and let that bitch Miley Cyrus scoop up all the tween pocket money? NEVER!

So that’s why Disney has announced High School Musical 4, even though High School Musical 3 hasn’t even been released yet. Excited? Don’t be – High School Musical 4 is going to be the disappointing S Club Juniors of the wholesome tween movie world, as Reuters reports:

“We are writing ‘High School Musical 4,’ ” Disney Channel Worldwide president Rich Ross said Tuesday after a presentation at a midtown Manhattan recording studio. It’s likely to be a TV movie unlike “High School Musical 3: Senior Year,” though that could change. Filming begins in two weeks in Utah. There’s no word on whether the cast and behind-the-scenes talent will gather again for “HSM4,” though some characters introduced in the third go-round likely will star in the fourth. “Are we going to have all the cast back? Probably not,” Ross said. “Will we have some of them? I hope so.”

Really? Some of the High School Musical cast will be back for the fourth movie? But they’re all too old to believably be high school students any more. So, while we can see that Zac Efron will want to leave High School Musical to pursue his movie career – and Vanessa Hudgens will want to get cracking on her late-night cable erotic thriller career before everyone gets sick of staring at her naked body – the others will stay. But how? Here are a few ideas.

1 - Bizarrely, all the graduating High School Musical students decide to immediately return to school to work as teachers, even though they have no qualifications and are so highly unsuitable that their appointments defy all sense of logic. This is the Saved By The Bell: The New Class option.

2 – The entire High School Musical cast is put back to junior high because they’ve all legally found to be dangerously stupid. Not only will this keep some familiar faces in High School Musical 4, but it’ll also mean we’ll get to see songs like 22 (And Still Can’t Spell My Own Name), I Think I Just Shat Myself and the 12-minute centrepiece Exploratory Adolescent Odyssey, which just consists of some monotone gurgling and the sound of one boy sobbing because he ate an orange crayola thinking it was a carrot.

3 - Everyone from the first three High School Musical movies realises that they’re already moments away from being so typecast as a grinning earnest teenager that they’ll never ever find work again if they see High School Musical 4 through, so they have it written into their contract that a disturbed student in a leather trenchcoat bursts into their classroom in the first couple of minutes and massacres them all indiscriminately with a selection of his father’s rifles.

Which option will Disney go for? So long as the decision forces our local Disney store to reduce the price of its Vanessa Hudgens High School Musical figures enough for us to buy them all and sit around stroking their hair and whispering into their ears and pretending we have 150 identical tiny plastic naked slutty girlfriends, then we’ll happily go along with anything.

Read more:

“High School Musical 4″ already in works – Reuters

Zac will be making a welcome return to our cinema screens in the autumn with the third installment of Disney’s High School Musical.

But not before telling us just how great being Zac Efron is. He said:  

"I'm loving it. I'm having a blast. I'm in a good place and really excited to be where I am."

That’s nice for Zac. Now also reports that Zac is having to get used to being followed around by a ‘gaggle’ of adoring girls. He said:

"The parents are the ones who want the pictures; the girls are too shy. I can pretty much go anywhere – I just have to wear sunglasses."

We can totally sympathise with Zac there. It’s not nice being surrounded by a group of girls – be it a gaggle or otherwise – and yet every morning they come, loitering outside hecklerspray HQ trying to catch a glimpse of the faces behind the words in the vain hope they might be equally as rewarding as the articles they read on a daily basis. Can't you just let us get on with our work?

Zac continued:

"But there's no way that I'd avoid my fans. I like making them happy."

Yep, Zac Efron is a young, freakishly handsome and successful man. Zac is so beautiful, in fact, that when he walks past a female – be it any female – she will instinctively open her legs with such ferocity that her pelvis literally displaces itself (that’s how we imagine it, at least).

In fact, if Zac was to walk down Oxford Street on a sunny afternoon the scene would resemble Gandhi’s Salt March.

But girls have not always been so easy for Zac, as he explains of his time back at school:

"I wasn't the skater dude or anything. I tried really hard in school. I got good grades. I was in advanced classes so, if anything, you'd probably call me a nerd. Seriously, I was the short kid in high school. I didn't get much attention from the chicks. I was, like 5ft 6in tall. But as soon as I left and started working, then I started to grow up a little bit. I realise that I got very lucky so, thank you, everyone out there (arms outstretched)!"

So not only is he young, good-looking, with a successful career, he is also an academic success too!

There’s only one word for a man like that, can anyone think of it?

Read More – High Sschool musical star wasn't always so hot – Now Magazine 

But not any more. Disney has just confirmed that High School Musical 3 – the final movie in the High School Musical trilogy – will be a full feature release that people will have to save up their pocket money and pay to see in cinemas.

Needless to say, the news has excited young High School Musical fans and creepy middle-aged perverts who've just worked out that they'll be able to see the outline of Vanessa Hudgens' boobs on a gigantic screen alike. 

High School Musical has, by all accounts, been a sensation for Disney. It spent all that money painstakingly animating crap like Treasure Planet and Home On The Range and all it really needed to do was find a bunch of kids that looked as if they'd been made in a sinister injection-moulding factory and get them to sing songs about how everyone is special on the inside on a TV movie to make the cash come rolling in.

Now people put on their own High School Musical plays, listen to High School Musical CDs, play with High School Musical action figures and try to look like High School Musical star Zac Efron by varnishing their faces, wearing plastic wigs and pouting into a mirror for days at a time. We expect. 

But soon it'll be time to say goodbye to High School Musical so that its young stars can move on with their lives and make that softcore pornography DVD they've been teasing us with for so long. And, because the old 'everyone in High School Musical is so stupid that they'll have to repeat classes until they're 40' ruse won't work, the upcoming High School Musical 3 will be the series' final outing.

But what an outing it'll be, because High School Musical 3 will be the first to get a full theatrical release. People reports:

All six of the High School Musical stars have officially signed on for High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Walt Disney Studios Motion Picture Productions announced Monday. Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Corbin Bleu, Monique Coleman and Lucas Grabeel will star in the third and final instalment, a feature film. Director Kenny Ortega tells PEOPLE he's excited about working one last time with the cast… "I am the luckiest guy in the world and I know it," Ortega says. "This will be our last time together and I love working with these kids so much. It's going to be great."  

But what about the plot of High School Musical 3? Somewhat predictably, it will centre on Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens coming to terms with the fact that they'll soon have to leave school for different colleges – which we presume to be the Academy For Dim-Looking Ladyboys and Naked Slut Central respectively – and deciding that the only way to get over their heartache is to sing plenty of family-friendly songs about how everyone is special on the inside at each other.

And then it'll be over, unless of course High School Musical takes the Saved By The Bell route and makes a High School Musical: The College Years film and a High School Musical: The New Class film where one of the original stars has inexplicably become a teaching assistant during the day and a disgusting internet sex tape star at night. 

Which, you know, wouldn't be too much of a leap.

Read more:

It's Official: Cast Returns for High School Musical 3 – People