Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.

So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!

Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!

If you didn’t know, Nick Jonas (chances are, you’re still wondering who the hell he is – suffice to say, The Jonas Brothers have occupied a million teenage wanks and that’s all you need to know) is taking over from Daniel Radcliffe in the Broadway show ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’.

In that play, Daniel Radcliffe showed everyone his genitals. Everyone couldn’t quite believe a human could be that pale without being certified dead. Apart from the Celts of the world who actually thought he looked ‘quite tanned’.

And so, will Jonas Brother be showing everyone what he’s been hiding in his underpants all this time? Well, he’s not against it. Putrid.

“I love theatre and I understand the difference between acting and who you are as a person.”

“I don’t know that it’s something I would’ve done in the end, but I definitely would’ve considered it. You have to be open to everything.”

Realising that his young fans will, at some point, grow out of him, Nick Jonas threw a wink to the gays in the hope he can spin silk from his sow’s ear.

“We love our gay fans. It was definitely cool when we realised that, because the more you can grow your audience, the more people you can impact.”

“They’ve been incredible over the years. My brothers and I totally look forward to meeting them, because they really respond to our style, and it’s cool to see how our influence has impacted what they’re wearing.”

“They also give really good gifts at our meet-and-greets — hats, scarves, and other things. They always have good taste.”

Oh, there you have it.

Don’t you just hate it when someone you love, admire and possibly think about in a dirty way when you have at least one free hand, turns out to be nothing more than a former all singing, all dancing, would happily punch repeatedly in the face, jumper wearing, Mickey Mouse Club super brat?

We’re talking about YOU Ryan ‘I’m now highly respected and will sleep with everyone’ Gosling.

Yes, self harmingly bland Justin Timberlake went on the Ellen Show and ruined any credibility that Ryan Gosling ever had by announcing that not only were they both made in the evil Disney factory but that they even shared a house together aged 11, making us wish we were dead.

Timberlake gushed:

‘Funnily enough, his mother had to keep her job in Canada the second year that we were on the television show and my mom was like his guardian for six months.”

‘So we actually lived together at that age. So we were probably a little closer than the rest of the kids on that show were just because we had to share a bathroom.’

He didn’t shut up there. There was still a shred of Ryan’s dignity left.

‘We used to do terrible things. Looking back on them they weren’t as bad as I thought they were at the time. We thought we were so cool when we were on the Mickey Mouse Club.’

Well you weren’t. Not even a little bit. Shh.

So what did they do that was so bad? Snort lines off bald hookers? Set fire to Britney Spears? Oh no, it was worse.

‘We stole a golf cart. We were like “Yeah man we stole a golf cart. You know what it’s like on a back lot- there are golf carts everywhere.”‘

‘We drove into MGM studios which is totally illegal by the way.’

Finally, Timberlake hammered the final nail in Gosling’s coffin by revealing that the pair used to speak to each other in a version of hilarious faux gangster speak. According to Justin. Not us.

‘I was like, ‘What do you want to do thug?’ and he was like ‘I don’t know cus,’ because that’s definitely how we talked.’

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????

‘I said ‘I don’t know man. I’m in the mood for some vanilla and he was like ‘I’m in the mood for some chocolate.’ So then we went and got milkshakes.’

That’s not ‘hilarious’,  it’s disturbingly lame.

BUT NOT AS LAME AS THIS VIDEO!!!

Shame on you Gosling.

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The thing that really perplexes almost anyone in possession of eyes, ears, a brain and puberty regarding the ‘phenomenon’ of Justin Bieber is actually what all the fuss is about in the first place. He possesses all the interest and faint repellence of a glass of tepid piss with a mop-top.

But wait! The ugly/interesting rumour of racism/anti-semitism rears its intriguing head! Thank God! (The Christian God, obviously.) It’ll be like Mel Gibson’s ‘sugar-tits’ thing all over again, launching Justin into a fascinating world of well-regarded glove-puppet-orientated indie films!

Oh. It wasn’t even him. It was his mum. Making him even lamer than previously imagined. You’re in it deep if – for all your bland, inoffensive marionette dancing, girlish singing, foolish hairstyles and overall disposability – your mother is more exciting than you are.

Yes, Bieber’s big break came courtesy of Scooter Braun, A JEWISH MAN, leading Bieber’s Christian mother Patricia Lynne Mallette to state

“God, I gave him to you. You could send me a Christian man, a Christian label! … you don’t want this Jewish kid to be Justin’s man, do you?”

As reported in the New York Times all the way back in 2009, indicating how long it takes for a simple trifle such as religious intolerance to be noticed, what with it hardly having any bearing on world events of late.

Justin Bieber’s position on the matter is unknown at time of publication.

Patricia Lynne Mallette is currently reported to be ‘looking funny’ at people with pronounced noses and running a mile if she sees any swarthy people carrying back-packs.

If you happen to have the vaguest interest in films, then you’ll have realised that over the last few years, there’s been a couple of ongoing trends. Two scoops of ice-cream and a smidgen of sauce will cost you a week’s wage, whilst the films themselves have been rehashed to death.

All sorts of fancy mind numbing modern effects such as HD, 3D and IMAX are being used to hike up ticket prices to drag in doleful punters.

As for the films themselves, there has been nothing of any immediate mainstream quality in the last decade that’s made us rush out to the cinema. All we’re faced with are countless sequels, rubbish remakes/reduxes and adaptations from books like Harry Potter. Disney have decided to embrace technology and re-release The Lion King with sharper animation and three whole dimensions. Now a new generation of children can see Mufasa die, but in 3D!

Disney films have always been a strange franchise to stomach. Essentially, the company bring out animated films that are aimed at ickle children but have underlining adult themes which aren’t really discovered until later life.

The Little Mermaid gives one man the dilemma of having sexual relations with a fish-woman whilst Bambi gives us the comical situation of a baby deer having to grow up after its mother has its head shot off with a shotgun. You might as well show a child a copy of The Shining.

One other fascinating aspect that other Disney films have touched upon is the portrayal of appearance, particularly if somebody doesn’t fit into society’s ideal image. Two films that demonstrate this include Shrek where our monster character is banished to the swampland for being a minger, while in The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, Quasimodo is pelted with fruit and constantly laughed at for his hideous appearance.

To ram the point home, Disney produced Beauty and the Beast which of course, taught us to hate Celine Dion.

And back in 1994, a generation of children wept when Mufasa got trampled to death. Clearly, pulling on the heartstrings of the young and vulnerable worked for Disney and the film pulled in $783 worldwide. But this looks soon to rise if reports are to be believed:

“Disney’s Lion King 3D roared into theatres Friday, exceeding all expectations with a first-day gross of $8.8 million at the domestic box office and is now on course to gross as much as $25 million for the weekend.”

Obviously, the world’s stoners are gobbling up the tickets, just to see that scene where Simba has ‘SEX’ written above his head.

Oh the hilarities.

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Tron is the a fine example of a rubbish franchise being brilliant. Over two films, Tron told us absolutely nothing but it didn’t matter because ultimately, the light cycles and grid games are really, really cool.

And even thought the CGI bit where Jeff Bridges looked young in Tr2n was some of the worst footage in cinematic history, we can’t help but be a little excited at the news of a third instalment of the Tron series.

And yep, it’s been confirmed by Tron himself, which is as good as gospel.

Bruce Boxleitner?, who played Encom employee Alan Bradley and the title character in both Tron flicks was asked if there’d be any new Tron movies by some spotty geek at the D23 Expo.

Bruce replied:

“It’s already a done deal … it’s already in the works. 2013, I think”

Get that. A new Tron film.

We can only hope they dispense with any notion of a script and basically have 90 minutes of grid action with things exploding into pixel fragments and people getting super frisbees lobbed at their heads.

We don’t need anything else.

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Have you got a thing for cowboys? Even the closeted ones from Brokeback Mountain? Do you also have a thing for the repulsively handsome Johnny Depp? Well, how about the prospect of Depp dressed up like a cowboy then? Does that tickle your pickle?

Well tough. That’s because Disney were all set to make a Depp featuring film of The Lone Ranger, ’til they decided that they really, really hate you.

That’s right! In their infinite wisdom, Walt Disney Studios have shut down production of The Lone Ranger which would have seen Johnny as Tonto and Armie Hammer (who sounds like a toothpaste) as the title character.

It seems a bit odd that Disney would pull any film starring Depp, what with him being one of the biggest bankers (not a euphemism or rhyming slang) in Hollywood. How much did the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise make? A squazadgibajllion dollars?

And it’s the direction of ‘Pirates’ who would be heading up the Lone Ranger project. Certifiable popcorn smash, right?

Either way, Disney wanted to reduce the $250 million budget to somewhere around $200-million. It didn’t happen and everyone else couldn’t get their head around the difference between $50million to an insanely wealthy company. When you get to those figures, its just conceptual numbers isn’t it?

Walt Disney Co. Chief Executive Bob Iger says:

“It’s our intention to take a very careful look at what films cost. And if we can’t get them to a level that we’re comfortable with, we think that we’re better off actually reducing the size of our slate than making films that are bigger and increasingly more risky.”

Disney making risky films? HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA *sharp intake of silent breath* HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAAAAARGH!

Could it be that Disney are stupid enough to think that people don’t like cowboys anymore, just because Cowboys & Aliens isn’t doing particularly well at the box office?

It certainly seems so. Let’s see what Disney do next. Invariably, one of their awful feature length animations that no-one really likes.

Anyway, you’ll just have to do crude drawings of Johnny Depp in ass-less chaps now. Blame Mickey Mouse.

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Do you like gay people? Perhaps you’re a gay person yourself? Doesn’t matter one jot. That’s because Miley Cyrus likes gay people more than anyone else, ever. How do we know this? Because she’s got a tattoo.

As well you know, young people get tattoos about the things they feel strongly passionate about… the things they will stand-by for life… and boy, Miley means it, maaaaaan.

See, she’s decided to get a tattoo that shows that she supports gay marriage. What have you done? Nothing we bet. Unless you happen to be gay and have got married. Even then, marriages don’t often last as long as tattoos, so even you lose.

So how has Miley shown her support for the homosexuals of the world? Has she written a heartfelt diatribe against the naysayers and had some strapping woman ink it onto her young back?

Absolutely not. She’s got herself an equal sign on her finger.

Now we think of it, this could be a declaration of love for mathematics. Wait! Here comes Miley to clear it all up for us idiots.

“ALL LOVE is equal”

That’s the statement Cyrus made on twitter alongside a photo of her tattoo.

Of course, with her having a lot of rednecks and Disneyites following her, it didn’t wholly go down too well. This saw her venting spleen.

“Where does it say in the bible to judge others? Oh right. It doesn’t. GOD is the only judge honey. ‘GOD is love.’”

She of course means: God is made-up. But whatever. And she does have a point though. While you see Christians berating the gays of the world for committing a terrible sin, you never see them berating obese people for indulging in gluttony do you? Those that covet their neighbours junk get off without much chiding too.

Could it be that the Christians of the world have a penchant for hypocrisy?

Anyway, we shouldn’t take this too seriously because Miley has the words “Just Breathe” on the left side of her chest, possibly as an instruction for staying alive, which is sensible advice for the incredibly dimwitted.

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You soft shites all cried at Toy Story 3, so prepare to cry up all your misery in Toy Story 4 which is actually being made right now according to Tom Hanks. Of course, with such a long time passing between the second and third instalments, it appears that the producers aren’t messing around with number four.

This is hardly surprising given that Toy Story 3 was such a rampant success, becoming the first animated film to clear the $1bn. mark.

With the third film neatly rounding-off the franchise, it’ll be interesting to see what happens in the new one. We’re hoping for similarities to The Simpsons episode where Burns has lost Bobo. Or something. We haven’t actually seen the first three, so what do we know? It’s better than making some lame joke implying it’ll be full of inappropriate sex scenes and gangsta rappers or something.

Of course, for the new film, Tom Hanks will be the voice of Woody again, and naturally, Tim Allen will be signed up once more to voice Buzz Lightyear.

Eddie Murphy probably does all the other characters. He always does all the other characters in films doesn’t he?

So when will this get releases? Well, with Monsters University (that’s the Monsters, Inc. sequel) getting a release of 2013, we can assume that Toy Story 4 won’t be far away, so pencil in a provisional summer 2014 release. If you’re a raging idiot, you might want to start queuing at the cinema right now.

The real winners in all of this are, of course, people who flog merchandise. So expect a slew of lame talking lunchboxes, egg-cups that look like Buzz Lightyear and Slinky Dog tampon applicators.

Maybe that’s the angle for Toy Story 4? The characters find out how omnipresent they’ve become and spend two hours crying at the existential horror of it all.

Finger crossed, eh readers?

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Vanessa Hudgens was one of the many celebrities this past weekend to forget she’s not a homeless person, and stop washing long enough to attend Coachella. Not washing yourself, taking special care never to wash your hands, is as integral to the experience as foraging for berries and burying your poop.

Reports from the weekend noted Vanessa had done something during the American music festival that involved no nude photos of any kind. Of course, this required reporting with urgency; with titles reading ‘ZOMG, Vanessa went 48 hours and her iPad wasn’t hacked for MySpace-face pictures.’

She attended the event with whomever she’d been sleeping with the past few weeks. That guy, you know. That bloke whose name we’re refusing to learn on principle (of celebrities treating their sex lives like some herpes-infected game of Russian Roulette… if she marries him, we’ll consider learning his name). At some point, hanging out and listening to the bands in the burning hot sun, Vanessa was seen eating something. But what?!

Pictures revealed it was a salad. Scandal! But then she went and licked something off her finger.

Something that was either salad dressing or a booger. We were betting our week’s milk money on the latter. Which is problematic, as now we’re eating our cornflakes dry.

What Vanessa licked off her fingers wasn’t salad dressing, or any one of the illegal drugs she was irresponsibly accused of taking – it was reported, as fact, she’d taken a pure form of Ecstasy called ‘Molly’ based on nothing but pictures of her poor attention to basic hygiene. Rather than stick with the ready-made excuse about dressing, her spokesperson told the media it was chocolate.

We know, we know.

The rep further explained the baggie of chocolate that passed for drugs had melted because of the heat. The drugs story was far more interesting and she should have revealed a non-existent cocaine addiction or something. That way, we’d still be talking about that the next time she leaked her own nudes.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who doesn’t mind being photographed while binging on Class Z drugs, so show your props you ungrateful gits.

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Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.

Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.

And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!

Even more amusing is that Lovato’s parents were so concerned about their starlet daughter’s well-being, that they needed to stage an intervention!

IMAGINE! HAHAHA! HOW FALL DOWN FUNNY!

The young star was treated in rehab for ‘emotional and physical issues’ in November after she promptly went about attacking one of her dancers while on tour with The Jonas Brothers. The only thing we see wrong there is that she didn’t attack The Jonas Brothers.

Either way, this PANT WETTING breakdown was coupled with a OOH STOP IT MY SIDES ARE HURTING FROM LAUGHING eating disorder, leaving Lovato with the most uproarious, mirth inducing battle with her self image, ever!

WAIT! WHAT’S THIS? WE CAN BARELY CONTAIN OUR GUFFAWS! She’s apparently been self-harming as well!

Lovato says:

“I basically had a nervous breakdown.”

“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, “You need to get some help.” It was an intervention. I wanted freedom from the inner demons. I wanted to start my life over.”

HAHAHA! HOW BRILLIANTLY FUNNY!

And now, in a move that will see us referring to her as a mewing, self-worthing tit, she’s teamed up with some people to help young women to tackle self-esteem issues, fronting the ‘Love is Louder Than The Pressure to Be Perfect’ campaign.

YEAH! WHATEVER! DO A SUICIDE BID OR SOMETHING!

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In about fifteen years, we’ll all look back, scratch our heads and wonder why we spent so much of our lives on Twitter. As times change, everything gets replaced with a slicker, faster and generally better version.

Originally we had MySpace where we could create epileptic backgrounds, but once people got sick of being spammed by rubbish bands, everybody jumped over to Facebook. You know, that one Justin Timberlake made a film about or something.

Twitter is nothing more than a condensed version of Facebook, minus the dodgy games that are created by hackers to steal your bank information. Nearly everybody is on Twitter, from your local butcher telling you what’s been freshly slaughtered, or some sleb plugging something they’re involved with. One person who’s been off Twitter is loveable Disney breakaway brat Miley Cyrus but we can all happily rejoice knowing that Miley is back on Twitter! This is bigger news than the Royal Wedding.

So how can you get in on the act of finding out what colour Miley Cyrus painted her nails or when she messaged another famous person? It’s almost like playing a game of hide & seek, as typing in @mileycyrus proves unsuccessful. Instead you’ll have to point your browser towards @gypsyhearttour. Initially, this caused us a bit of confusion, as far as pseudonyms go this a bit of a strange one. Fair enough she has a tour to promote, but why “gypsy heart?”

Perhaps there’s a more logical and responsible explanation? Recently, Channel 4 in the UK rolled out a show called ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.’ The programme was designed to give the viewer a glance in to the world of a community that many aren’t familiar with. Instead of the show being a cultural learning curve, most people on Twitter decided to berate and mock the people featured. Perhaps Miley Cyrus felt sorry for the travelling community and named her show after watching the series.

Instead of simply returning to the service, Cyrus had to make a big song and dance about the whole thing:

“I do not tweet, I do not social network, I try to stay out of it. I complain enough about people knowing too much about my private life, so to go out there and exploit myself would be silly and hypocritical.”

Miley Cyrus is taking charge of this account and not leaving it up to the work experience kid at her record label to manage. Even though she’s already gotten the hump about divulging information that’ll cast her in to the limelight, we expect her to harp on about all sorts of pointless crap including tales of “how awesome the crowd was last night” and tales of her saying “I swear my kitty just did a big yawn. LOL.” Cyrus has even constructed a plan for her Twitter account which consists of:

“Goal 1. Get 1,000,000 followers! Goal 2. Make #RADIATELOVE a trending topic!”

Take it from us love; at least four hecklerspray writers have been trying to make #cake a trending topic on Twitter but with no sodding luck. You’ll never do it, keep searching for that rainbow, or use some a sprig of that gypsy lucky heather you’ll be flogging on tour to make all your dreams come true while you’re dressed like a meringue.

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The world is a confusing place isn’t it?  So many puzzling questions left unanswered, that even the hecklerspray writers are unable to sleep at night.

When we should be having midnight feasts and pillow fights, we’re pacing the sticky floors of our bedsit, desperately looking for answers to questions like: ‘Why does anyone under the age of dead listen to Ronan Keating?’ or ‘What possessed Brian Harvey to eat THREE baked potatoes before driving over himself?’.

However, there is one thing we can categorically say we’re not in the slightest bit uncertain about. WE ARE REALLY GLAD WE’RE NOT MILEY CYRUS.

Let’s face it, having to go through life knowing that you were created from Billy Rae Cyrus’s line dancing ejaculate must be self-harmingly painful enough, but to be then faced with the knowledge that not only is there a great big blow up doll out there with your name on it (literally), it’s flying off the shelves in record time and men are no doubt singing ‘Best of Both Worlds’ while humping your effigy stupid.

The ‘Finally Miley’ doll costs around £17 and apparently has ’3 achey love holes’  to stick things in.  Kevin Johnson of Pipedream Products said:

“We are completely sold out already – it’s been on the market for less than 48 hours”

Someone should really take Justin Bieber’s credit card away from him.

We thought this might make Miley reach for the bong but instead she’s decided to get angry and sue the pants off the company who made this wipe clean monstrosity.

Johnson said something about that too:

“We haven’t received a cease and desist letter from her attorneys yet, but I have seen those rumours circling online”

“That probably means it will happen soon enough”

Probably but until that day there’s plenty of time to some damage to a Miley doll and let’s be honest, it’ll still be far less damaged that the real one.

We blame Billy Rae Cyrus. Not just for this.

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Just the other day, we were putting together a list of the most individual singers and musicians who are currently involved in the music scene. How about The Rolling Stones? Nah, they’re just walking corpses. Lady Gaga? Pft, she spends too much time ripping off Madonna and designing stinging nettle dresses.

You know who topped our list? The totally awesome Miley Cyrus!

We’ve got all her albums, singles and even have her autograph inked on our bum cheeks. She’s so influential, that we’re smoking a bong of salvia right now! But not everything the life of Miley Cyrus is sweet and rosy. The world class singer has issues with fame grabbing singers such as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black who posted clips on YouTube to gain fame. They definitely didn’t work as hard as Miley who had the benefit of having a father with a world renowned terrible single and getting her own TV show courtesy of Uncle Walt Disney.

Oh dear Miley, it appears that despite your ropey, barely-legal photoshoots, fame and fortune, you haven’t quite mastered what the word irony means. As we tragically know, her father Billy Ray Cyrus sang about his achy breaky heart. She should have learned that a lack of understanding about the word irony runs in the family as her dad’s heart got all sore and broken when he got involved in divorce proceedings.

Mily Cyrus is desperately trying to establish as herself as a sophisticated female actress and get away from the cute and innocent Disney image that’s attached to her. Unlike Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical fame, she hasn’t gone and taken pictures of her waps and later found them leaked across the internet. Nor has she gone down the road of once child star Lindsay Lohan by getting constantly drunk, doing drugs, going to rehab, crashing cars, sniffing a few more drugs and accused of pinching jewellery.

The easiest way of looking cool, edgy and hipster is to just mouth off. After all, isn’t that what Twitter and Facebook are for? The loyal fan base of Miley Cyrus will lap up her every word. It’s always easy to pick on someone who’s a similar size to you, or as we look at it, equally annoying. When asked about fellow musicians Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, Miley said:

“It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour.”

OMG1!!11! Miley Cyrus is a total hater. How can she not appreciate the feel good anthems of the four year old Justin Bieber or the internet’s greatest discovery, Rebecca Black?

We see a vicious Twitter turf war breaking out with lovers and haters looking to tweet condensed messages of fury and bile. All three should recreate a classic encounter like the Battle of Hastings where all each respective side can charge at each other, using sharpened CD cases to gouge the other person’s eye or testicle.

We’re team Rebecca Black all the way. Girl got mad skills.

There’s nothing quite as depressing as seeing a divorced father in action and Billy Ray Cyrus is doing a grand job of being a constant source of maudlin fun. He’s a walking microwave meal for one. The poor sod.

Of course, he’s limping around, hauling his lonely posterior to anyone who’ll listen because it is better than talking to the four walls of his very empty house.

With this desperate plea for affection, Billy Ray has been giving interviews and talking about his personal life in such detail that it seems like we’re mere seconds away from him showing us the poo he did this morning, before he puts it back into his pocket and has a little cry.

The main crux of his wallows focus on his relationship – or lack of it – with his famous daughter, Miley Cyrus. He opened up in an interview with GQ, giving everyone the impression he was about to don a superhero outfit and stand on a building, Fathers For Justice style.

As a result, he’s been roundly ridiculed by his family, which has seen him backtracking on US television.

After slating Disney for melting Miley’s brain, he’s now on record saying that he loves them and in fact, not in any way responsible for Miley’s recent behaviour which some say is indicative of someone going off the rails, while others think she’s just acting her age.

Either way, Billy is all about wanting to make it up to Miley.

“I look back and I did kind of approach being a dad like being a friend, my kids need a dad and I can promise I’ll come back in and do the best I can do.”

“I still want to be Miley’s friend. I want to be the person she wants to talk to. I love her more than life itself.”

“I think most importantly, Miley has a great heart and she is very intelligent she will make good choices … I trust Miley.”

He trusts that, should she do bongs filled with salvia, he’ll get to see it second hand when someone sticks it on YouTube. Again.

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Country and Western megastar (and Miley Cyrus’ dad) Billy Ray Cyrus has decided to call off his divorce with wife Tish (yeah, Tish) despite not bothering to tell her. The well known peddler of country (without the ‘o’) decided to take his feelings to ‘The View’, the simpering nicey-nicey US version of Loose Women in order to improve his public image after falling out of the public eye for not being very close to his daughter.

His daughter is Miley Cyrus. She’s famous.

The singer’s love of his family apparently prompted him to go onto a TV show and talk to some women about his family in a move which was definitely not choreographed by his publicist and agent in order to make him look slightly less insane.

It’s a difficult task to make the man who once stood in front of a camera and, without his tongue in his cheek, sang the words “Don’t break my heart, my achey-breaky heart” seem like he’s anything less than a complete fool.

The professional mullet said:

“I want to put my family back together, things are the best they’ve ever been.”

That’s nice, isn’t it? Regardless of the idea that the truth might be massively different with many sources claiming that he has not seen his estranged wife or daughter in months and that the last time they were in the same room, Miley put a live lobster down his trousers as ‘payback’. hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that no-one, not even his family, care about where Trace Cyrus is at the moment.

It should be noted at this point that this highly spontaneous move comes just one month after Cyrus claimed that Hannah Montana was tearing his family apart and that the devil was attacking his daughter. That’s Miley Cyrus. She’s the one that’s been doing things that teenagers do like smoking and getting her bits out for cameras.

Of course, Billy Ray’s Christian, you see and that seems to be what they do. If they’ve got themselves in a bit of a tizz; it was the devil’s work. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he’s a terrible parent. Certainly seems more likely, doesn’t it?

Yes. It does.

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