Nobody needs to know that Sam Ronson has apparently bought Lindsay Lohan a big pile of sex toys for her birthday.

We didn’t need to know, we didn’t want to know and we feel a bit sick now. Which is why we had to tell you lot, so you can feel as ill as we do.

Yep – sick as a dog.

When looking through what there is in the world to report on we went through many reasonable stories – the ever-stunning Mickey Rourke fighting roadworks, the ongoing saga of Jordan and Peter Andre which we all care so deeply about or even the court appearance of the now-less-frightening Amy Winehouse.

But even though they were the better things to report on, we had let out eyes rest for too long on the news that Sam Ronson had allegedly bought her on-off-in-out-on-through-again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan a basket of dildos.

Sometimes we wish our eyes would just piss off and stop relaying information to our brain, just so we didn’t know anything about this ever happening.

Even if it isn’t true – it is from the reputed journal that is the National Enquirer, after all – it’s still a sick enough thought to make us actually want to die. Or go on a killing spree. Probably more the second one, as hecklerspray values its own life over that of others.

As the Enquirer said with its evil, evil, eye-poisoning words:

“Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz – a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood’s erotic emporiums for the items.”

Going so far as to throw in a “buzz” pun makes it more sickening than we ever thought possible. We thought it was bad that the video of Michael Jackson’s head exploding was released about thirty seconds after he’d died, but this is a new low.

We hope you’re all happy now. In our pursuit for excellence, we’ve had to learn this information. To consider this thought. To think about Sam Ronson, Lindsay Lohan and a big pile of rubber tallywhackers.

We blame you, and only you for this.

It's been reported that Britney Spears has somehow managed to pick herself up a stalker. Not just any stalker either, but one who keeps sending her packages of sex toys, threatening porno letters and mutilated pictures of himself squirting an unidentified yellow liquid into his mouth.

The details of Britney Spears' alleged stalker have now been passed on to the FBI, which seems like an odd thing to do. After all, he sounds like a better catch than Kevin Federline.

Stalkers aren't normally known for their good judgement – call us old fashioned but we wouldn't employ someone if they handed us a CV with 'throwing bags of screwdrivers over John Cusack's fence' or 'composing songs about the time I fucked Alec Baldwin in his ass' in the Hobbies And Interests categories. Because, really, John Cusack and Alec Baldwin? That's just weird.

But stalking Britney Spears? Actually, we can see that. After all, Britney Spears isn't just vulnerable to the point where she needs psychiatric evaluation these days, she's also got a proven history of having sex with creepy people that follow her around all the time. And when you're a stalker, that's just an unbeatable combination.

So it's no surprise that Britney Spears has apparently picked herself up a stalker. And, as stalkers go, Britney Spears' one seems like quite the generous chap. Rather than constantly trying to run the object of his affection over, or hand-drawing pictures of them digging his grave while he walks along a knife, Britney Spears' stalker keeps sending him all the mechanical sex aids she could ever wish for. OK! reports:

"It started about six weeks ago with just letters being sent once a week," a source who has seen the packages reveals to OK!. "And then it quickly escalated to larger packages that now arrive two to three times a week — always to the same L.A. address, but never to one of Britney's homes… The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender-colored, battery-operated sex toy," the source tells OK!. "Still with the price tag on it." And alongside the mechanical apparatus are two letters — one handwritten and one written on a computer — both threatening and pornographic in nature.

See? That's how you know it's real love – when a stalker sends you a dildo and keeps the price tag on it. If we were stalking Britney Spears, we'd want her to know exactly how much we were spending on nightmarish, oddly-coloured dildos to win her over, too. 

Not that Britney Spears has seen any of this, that it. In her fragile state, a box with a massive vibrator in it is the last thing she needs to see. Instead, the stalker's packages are being sent to the FBI, who shouldn't have a very difficult job in tracing him because a) he's sent a photo of himself and b) he's also politely included a return address on all the parcels. Which we can all agree is jolly lovely of him.

But even if those details weren't included in the parcels, it wouldn't have been too hard to identify Britney Spears' stalker. Apparently the letters he sent Britney were angry, incomprehensible, full of threats and written entirely in capital letters.

Oh God. He's one of you! 

Read more:

Britney Stalker Details Revealed - OK