So when people try messing about with the way she looks, Keira Knightley gets all stroppy. For example, the publicity department of Keira Knightley’s latest movie The Duchess think the film will be more popular if the film’s posters are airbrushed to give Keira Knightley a giant pair of knockers.

And, quite rightly, Keira Knightley has put her foot down. Her body is her body and she doesn’t want to mislead anybody about it. Besides, The Duchess is a costume drama, so the only way anyone can make the film popular is to airbrush a load of dinosaurs and robots and explosions and the phrase ‘It’s OK boys – you see nipples!’ onto the poster. Any fool knows that.

Keira Knightley has always been a bit touchy about certain things. She’s always complaining about the amount of attention she gets, but she usually does it from the front cover of magazines. It’s her body, though, that gets Keira Knightley really riled up.

Keira’s always been strangely bullish about how she looks. She’s happy to admit that she’s skinny, but if you actually call her skinny, Keira Knightley will sue you. And although she’s gone on record in the past about how much she wants bigger breasts, if you try and actually give Keira Knightley bigger breasts she’ll throw a little tiny tantrum about it.

That’s something the studio behind Keira Knightley’s new film The Duchess is starting to discover. The Duchess is about Georgiana Cavendish, the 18th century Duchess of Devonshire – a woman famous for being a bit posh and… look, it doesn’t matter. You’re not going to see The Duchess. Nobody is. It’ll come out, nobody will watch it, Keira Knightley will get nominated for an Oscar for it, nobody will watch it and that’s that.

However, the studio behind The Duchess apparently does want people to go and see it, and its answer was to artificially pump up Keira Knightley’s boobs on the movie poster. It’s simple psychology – increase the size of Keira Knightley’s tits on the poster and men will pay to see the movie, subconsciously believing it to be a porno. It’s true – we only went to see Driving Miss Daisy because of Jessica Tandy’s rocking cleavage on the poster.

But Keira Knightley isn’t having any of it. According to reports, she’s demanded that her boobs stay the same size on posters for The Duchess. Marie Clare reports:

Film studios bosses apparently wanted to enlarge Knightley’s assets in the photos so she appears more buxom in her low-cut period costumes, but the actress has put her foot down and said no. One insider revealed: ‘She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state. She is proud of her body and doesn’t want it altered.’

Good! In these image-driven times it’s refreshing to see a young lady such as Keira Knightley take control of her identity, to stand up to the ruling patriarchy and firmly assert that she is spirited, independent and proud of her own body. Well done Keira Knightley.

We’re still not going to see your film, though. Seriously, it’s looks fucking dreadful. And your tits look rubbish in it, too.

Baby Spice is adamant that knocking around with Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell again hasn’t made her diet bonkers and has no intention of following them on their dogged size zero quest.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

But there's one thing that Billie Piper will never be, and that's a bigshot Hollywood actress. And the sad thing is it's all her fault. Or, to be more specific, it's the fault of her boobies.

Because she went topless in a TV show about a filthy whore, Billie Piper now fears that she's ruined her chances of being an A-list movie star. Or as she puts it, “What A-list stars get their tits out?” Well, looking at recent Oscar-winning actresses, Helen Mirren, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry all do. But don't tell any of that to Billie – we don't want her to get any ideas.

Billie Piper has won plaudits for her role as Belle De Jour in the ITV2 TV show Secret Diary of A Callgirl, because it's hands-down the most accurate portrayal of a hooker in TV history.

We all know that prostitutes are all incredibly wealthy, talk with a plummy accent, regularly throw their heads back and roar with laughter about what a brilliant job they've got and only get sad and reflective about fucking lonely men for cash in the form of interminable montages set to Dido songs two thirds through each episode, right?

Good. And because Billie Piper has done such a convincing job of pretending to be a whore on a painfully vacuous late night TV show on a station that hardly anyone watches she's being fast-tracked into the bigtime.

Or at least she would be, except now Billie Piper is having a huge crisis of confidence because she thinks that her prostitute show is so raunchy that it's scuppered her chances of acting in the movies already. According to Now:

"Someone said the other day, rather viciously: 'What A-list stars get their tits out?'" she tells The Sun. "And then I started thinking: “Oh, my God, what have I done? I’ve ruined my future career.'"

Well, quite. Hollywood is a very old-fashioned town, and if anything's true here it's that movie producers never give roles to pretty young actresses who look like they're quite free and easy with the blowjobs.

Of course, if starring in Secret Diary Of A Callgirl has wrecked Billie Piper's chances of becoming a big movie star, then it won't be because of its sexual content. No, it'll be because she made a TV show that's based on a blog. Specifically a blog that isn't hecklerspray.

Now, if Billie Piper had starred in The Secret Life Of Someone Who Works For Hecklerspray, and spent each episode sitting around listlessly cleaning out her ears with the end of a biro and generally being quite socially awkward, it'd be a different story altogether. But it's too late now. Especially since that restraining order means we're not allowed to send her scripts any more.

Jordan, 29, has undergone four breast enlargement and reduction operations in the past ten years. This surgery, combined with giving birth to her three kids, has left her with misshapen, lumpy and scarred knockers.

Read the rest of this entry (opens in new window) >>

However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.

In the early days (aka – the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.

Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!

For a glamour model, we do oddly enough believe that Katie Price is one of the only tit-baring ladies that grace the papers to have made a proper career.

Most married men and all women know that eventually, plump and well-rounded breasts don’t last forever. Eventually, things go south, saggy and really horrible to look at. After having more surgery on her tits then Michael Jackson has had on his wonky face, she is apparently happy with them after cracking out a few stupidly-named children.

But what’s a girl to do when your career path is over? After handing the baton over to apparently sexy females such as Megan Fox, she did what any other self-respecting fame-grabbing person would do: Sell out big style and not stop until the whole world knows about you.

We know everything about her and sodden Peter Andre’s spicy sex love secrets and her endless shock stories about her struggle with motherhood. God bless the trashy world of women’s magazine literature.

Despite having a car crash reality TV show which shows us the wacky goings on of the family, this isn’t enough for Katie Price. Like an out-of-control monster, she wants to gobble up as much as she can and become the biggest media whore known to man.

She’s kind of done that in the UK and has now set her beady eyes to Hollywood: The home of botox, shattered dreams and never ending sense of guilt.

According to a deluded source:

“It’s a very good time to be British in Hollywood and you can’t fail to notice Jordan.”

That’s quote couldn’t be more true. Not only does Jordon resemble the middle colour in a set of traffic lights, but her ample chest may also help. It’s an unwritten rule of the world that the bigger the boob, the better opportunity get.

It’s just a shame the producers haven’t seen her appearance on I’m A Celebrity or tried to get their eyes round some of her books.

Still they want her to take part in the making of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark and play a vampire. Quite an odd roll to star as for your first Hollywood job, but it will suit Katie Price. She is quite good at sucking the life out of any opportunity.

Read More – Katie Price ‘to star in vampire movie’ – Digital Spy

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris Hilton and our Lindsay Lohan is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

No, of course they don’t. If they did humanity would have become extinct a long, long time ago.

It takes a good deal of effort to say ‘ah’ for that amount of time and with that amount of people. There are literally girlfriends out there, all over the world right now (possibly even reading this), who wouldn’t even say ‘ah’ to their own boyfriends for much more than a minute each week.

Sometimes less.

It is because of this abhorrent crime to humanity that Scarlett can say what she damn well wants, but the fact remains that Paris and Lindsay are a rare breed indeed, and hecklerspray will continue to salute these pioneers in all of their artistic ventures, futile as they may be.

(In order for you to believe what we’ve just said, it is strongly advised that you don’t click on the following links. Not this one, nor this one.)

Scarlett told Spin Magazine:

I have no relationship with either Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, even as far as my lifestyle or the music I listen to. They probably made music that fits with their lifestyle – ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I were dancing to my own song in the club?’ My album is more suited to my lifestyle. I live a very low-key life.

Yeah, you better hope you do, Johansson, or else you’ll be joining 50 Cent on hecklerspray’s hit-list.

One difference between our girls and Scarlett though, is that Scarlett (who is soon to release ‘Anywhere I Lay My Head’ – a Tom Waits cover album – making her little more than jumped up karaoke singer) has received at least one rave review about her musical ability from someone, albeit that someone being Jessica Simpson – someone who wouldn’t know good music if she was grinding her for-hire-arse up against it – who told Esquire magazine:

I really respect her, and I think she’s an unbelievable talent at a young age. And she is unbelievably beautiful. Plus, she gets to work with the best of the best.

Is she really that unbelievable? Granted, her boobs are unfathomable, but do any of you really find that watching Scarlett Johansson act makes you question your whole belief system regarding the upper-limits of human talent?

What Jessica actually offers is a nice, but essentially trite, and ultimately invalid, appraisal. You’re gonna have to come up with better than the child-talk of Jessica Simpson, Johansson, to pull hecklerspray away from the lure of reporting Paris and Lindsay’s day to day activities.

If you want to receive our support, then it’s time to do what any self respecting female artist would do: Toss your artistic integrity into the abyss and open wide.

All else is a perversion. Madonna’ll back us up.

Read More – Scarlett Johansson slams the Dlist girls – M&C

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

According to Access Hollywood, their reporter Billy Brush received an e-mail from Dina Lohan simply saying:

“No, she is not.”

So, that may all but end the chuff-shot speculation, but try and take a positive spin on things here, guys. For example, she hasn’t yet confirmed or denied that Lindsay is actually going to star in this film, just as she hasn’t confirmed or denied that Lindsay’s breasts may make an appearance, meaning it is still possible that you’ll get to see her boobies on a giant cinema screen!

It’s about as common a sight these days as the back of your hand, but still, boobs is boobs, and Lindsay’s bare mammaries are a sight that even Mumma Lohan is a fan of. Though not so much her Dad, of course, the poor bastard. Let us have a minute’s silence for that broken man.

There. We hope he felt that. Michael, you’re forever in hecklerspray’s thoughts.

Read More – Mom Dismisses Lohan Film Nudity Reports – NBC

British teatime is a sacred institution where everyone around the country stops what they're doing and eats a crumpet with their mother.

Teatime is a tradition to be protected. Specifically, it is a tradition to be protected from fuzzy-chopped ginger pensioners inviting men to grope at their breasts on TV like they're starring in some sort of horrendous paraphilic infantilism porno movie.

Readers, you aren't the only ones to be physically repulsed by the idea of that. Anne Robinson let some wine-tasting bloke grab her boobies on an episode of The Weakest Link recently, and 16 intrepid viewers phoned the BBC to complain. 16 doesn't sound like a lot, but it's thought that only 16 people got through the incident without going blind or mad or throwing themselves through the nearest window.

We have to admit that we were a little surprised to hear that The Weakest Link was still on TV, considering that the joke stopped being funny about five or six years ago. We get it – some people don't answer some easy questions, Anne Robinson is rude to them and then she screeches the word "goodbye" intermittently like a faulty smoke alarm until everyone goes home.

The Weakest Link has been going for years, surviving even Anne Robinson's own marriage, so it must be hard to keep it fresh. Even the idea of a Celebrity Weakest Link is getting stale now, so it's lucky that Anne Robinson has come up with a fresh new gimmick to reel the viewers back in.

And that gimmick is that people get to fondle Anne Robinson's 63-year-old boobs. And you have to watch. If you look away or vomit, you lose. It's a bit like a phone-in competition, except that you don't have to phone in and everybody loses.

Anne Robinson tried out this new booby-grab technique on a recent edition of The Weakest Link with wine expert Olly Smith, and 16 of you good people were repulsed enough to complain, as The Sun reports:

Olly… said: "If Anne was a wine, she'd be a smooth, full-bodied, expensive red." But TV’s mock-dominatrix responded: "I don't like being called full-bodied. I have spent a long time getting this figure. Are you saying I have huge breasts? She then, rather embarrassingly, added: "You need to feel them?" while gesturing towards her bosom. Olly said: "I would love to," placing his hands on the presenter's 63-year-old boobs before declaring, "They are absolutely fantastic, honestly! Touch my hands. These are amazing! I have touched Anne's boobs."

Incidentally, in the interests of transparency, Olly Smith is the man who – were we handed a baseball bat and a written promise that the police would turn a blind eye – would be first on our list of targets. We thought that before he described the act of cupping a ginger pensioner's tits as 'fantastic' but it goes double now.

Why, though? Why would Anne Robinson even do a thing like that? It's literally repulsive. The only logical explanation is that recovering alcoholic Anne Robinson figured out that Olly Smith's breath would be a bit boozy, and inviting him to squeeze her boobs was the only way to get him close enough to breathe in all his delicious booze-stink vapours to remind her of the good old days. We could be wrong, but we don't think we are.

Anyway, all the complaints seem to have fallen of deaf ears because the BBC has batted them away, describing the grope as "playful and lighthearted." So, now that it's clear this sort of thing is OK to show on gameshows, it means that Chris Tarrant can finally get around to introducing the long-awaited fourth Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline – the I'll Tell You Answer If You Masturbate Me To Ejaculation In Front Of All These People Right Now lifeline.

Read more: 

Anne Boobs With Flirty Feel – The Sun

Back in 2004, Holly Willoughby was working as a children's TV presenter. During a live broadcast for morning noise-fest Ministry Of Mayhem her breasts wobbled out of her top for all the kids to see and applaud. Fast forward four years and she very nearly repeats the incident on ITV1's flagship reality show Dancing on Ice – only this time with added middle-aged men wanking into a frenzy.

Dancing on Ice’s producers received a total of five complaints out of eight million viewers. That is five miserly old bints who phoned up and said, "I would like to express my disgust at Holly Willoughby's dress. It was too revealing and this has upset my children. Plus my husband won't come out of the bathroom."

Important to note here that this ‘uproar’ was over what might have happened as opposed to what did. Her breasts might have fallen out of her dress. They didn't, believe us we YouTubed this to high heaven, but they might have.

Omnipresent TV chest-pain Fearne Cotton is Holly Willoughby's best mate. She doesn't have massive boobs, but is probably in less danger of becoming fat in her thirties and having to wear a support bra the size of a hammock. She is massively annoying though with the grating pitch of a deaf and dumb East End market trader, so there is a trade off.

Talking to The Sun about Holly's dress sense, Fearne had this to say:

"It seems weird that there is so much fuss over Holly's boobs when they are obviously really great. We all know Holly Willoughby has the most amazing figure ever. Anyway she's always dressed like that. She loves the 50s style fashion which oozes glamour. It only got about five complaints. It's all a bit of fun and she shouldn't change."

Woe betide us for berating any attractive woman who flirts with partial nudity, but surely Fearne has missed the point of this whole furore, just as we have missed the point of her very existence? No-one is saying there is anything wrong with 'Holly's boobs', just that maybe she doesn’t need to parade them around like two sexy prizewinning cantaloupes all the time.

We are evidently in a quandary here. Torn between journalistic integrity to report the news in a snarky way and not really caring less if both Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton spend the rest of their TV careers half-naked and covered in baby oil.

If nothing else perhaps we can add fuel to the debate of why women are now bigger busted than ever before, which is supposedly attributable to 'genes' and a growing trend for 'curvy' figures.

Of course most of the women saying this are overweight, single and running gossip rags in Fleet Street. They also neglect to mention that (fact fans, here we go) while the UK's average bra size has jumped from a 34b to a 36c in just ten years, the average waist size has risen from 27.5" to a whopping 34" since the 1950s. That's fatter than Robbie Williams (who? Ex-singer, eats children), or thereabouts.

But for anyone worried that Holly Willoughby will no longer be wearing revealing dresses because she is too afraid of losing her job – don't be. ITV bosses would be more likely to sack themselves before Holly, and though we are sure the official company line remains 'Do not wear such low-cut dresses Holly, you naughty, naughty girl or I'll put you over my knee', the actual insinuation will always be 'Lower, flimsier as much as possible before the watershed.'

In no attempt to appease the controversy over her dress code, Holly told Metro:

"I'll just have two purple sequins. Carefully placed."

For those wondering (and that has to be most of you by now), the grand final of Dancing on Ice is on ITV1 this Sunday, 16th March at 7.00 PM. We are holding a special after-show party and boob flash down-a-pint drinking game. Though if Fearne Cotton shows up we are moving onto halves.

Read More:

Fearne: Holly’s Boobs Are Great – The Sun

Holly's sparkling promise - Metro

Tits!! Sorry.

Tits. Sex! TITS SEX TITS BOOBS! No! Really sorry guys!

OK. Phew.

Right, we really have calmed down now. Sorry about all that but, taking it as read that you, dear reader, are human and are aware of the potent brain retarding powers of the sexual image, then you can no doubt fully empathise with hecklerspray’s frat boy like reaction to the extraordinary nipple sighting of one of Britain’s most respected authors, Katie Price, at her latest book launch.

Katie Price was born in Brighton on May 22 1978. For about 18 years after that not much happened until, one day, she stumbled across a magic man wielding a scalpel who said he could make her unfathomably famous in exchange for a shitload of cash. She took up the magic man's offer and, sure enough, within weeks she was sleeping naked with Teddy Sheringham in a huge pile of the Queen's face (as well as first Governor of the Bank of England, Sir John Houblon – lest we forget).

And that was ages ago! Loads more has happened since then and she is celebrating her celebrity lifestyle by releasing her 37th autobiography, Jordan: Pushed To The Limit.

Her writing isn’t for everyone, but if you’re looking for a book where one page goes into heart-breaking detail about the difficulties of raising a disabled son, closely followed by a meticulous description of the throbbing glory of Dwight Yorke’s penis, then Katie Price is definitely the author for you.

In her latest book, you can loom forlornly as Jordan's "rollercoaster life… shows no signs of slowing down"; pity her as she battles with the "emotional challenges" of "post-natal depression"; experience first-hand her "traumatic miscarriage" (note: not a chirpy miscarriage – a traumatic one); pray for her soul as she "continually fears for the safety and health of her children and husband" and realise the irony of it all as she tells us that her "desire and appetite to succeed know no bounds."

Hang on a minute? Why do we care about this? Oh yeah, Jordan's tit fell out at the press conference! TITS!! She’s gone and got herself some free publicity! How does she do it? OMG!!!

Read more:

Jordan accidentally flashes at book launch – Heatworld 

Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement – it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities – but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards. 

Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?

Ever since Whitney Houston rerecorded her song I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton hasn't had to do anything, apart from directing the 16 money trucks that visit her house every day to the giant abandoned quarry she uses as a royalty landfill. Sure, Dolly Parton gets out now and again to see what Rotherham looks like or to hear Jessica Simpson massacre one of her songs, but mainly she doesn't do a whole lot these days.

However, Dolly Parton is an artist, and from time to time a fire is lit beneath her to create brand new country music and travel around America playing it to the crosseyed and toothless truckers who'll appreciate it most. But as much as Dolly Parton would like to go on tour, there are a couple of things trying to hold her back.

Her boobs.

As well as the songs and the big hair and the semi-successful movie career and the theme-park, Dolly Parton is probably best known for having breasts like two lead-filled dinosaur eggs. While the obvious upside to Dolly Parton's titanic knockers is that creepy weirdos still think "Woar, Dolly Parton!" even though she's now 62 years old, the downside is that the epic gravitational pull of her boobs have twisted Dolly Parton's spine into something that looks like a question mark drawn by a horse with a paintbrush in its mouth.

And that means that Dolly Parton's tour is off, as Reuters reports:

Dolly Parton's breasts may be two of the wonders of the entertainment world, but the country music icon says they are a pain in her back. Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. "Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

It's a double shame, because Dolly Parton's tour was to help promote Backwoods Barbie, her first new proper country album for 17 years. But it isn't all bad, because the tour should be back on the road in a couple of months. And then we'll get to hear Dolly Parton debut her new songs like Ow My Back, Breasty But Hump-Backed and the poignant tear-jerker You Stupid Tits, I Oughta Chop You Off.

Read more:

Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts – Reuters 

And the answer is, we just don't know. But still, Paris Hilton did in fact accidentally get her boobs out in a Boston nightclub just after being made Woman Of The Year by the Harvard Lampoon. Poor Paris must have been mortified to fall out of her dress in front of all those people.

But fortunately Paris Hilton was performing Stars Are Blind at the time, so at least nobody noticed her indiscretion because they were all too busy vomiting and screaming in pain and bleeding out of all the holes in their faces.

Interesting what makes the news, isn't it? Take Paris Hilton, for example. Her album was a flop, her new film is a flop, she hasn't got a TV career any more to speak of and she seems to mainly spend her days getting naked in deserts. Nothing that Paris Hilton ever does should be in the news, let alone this.

Paris Hilton showed a bit of nipple when her top came down in Boston last week. And now you can see pictures of it on the internet.

Yes, that'll be the same Paris Hilton who has pretty much already jammed up the internet with naked pictures of herself stuffing a man's erect penis into her gob like a hungry schoolboy. But that's nothing, because now you can see the top of her tit, too, you lucky scamps. The Sun reports that Paris gave her impromptu booby dance after winning the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year award last week:

Confident Paris reckons she's pretty good on the mic, stepping up on stage to give fans a rendition of her previous single Stars Are Blind… However partygoers were left more dazzled by the blonde socialite's bouncing bangers then her cutesy voice. One said: "Paris certainly knows how to put on an eye-popping show. It was all a little cringey as she belted out her single as she danced on stage, but the highlight was definitely seeing Paris' boobs."

Imagine that being the highlight of your evening – seeing a couple of millimetres of Hiltonipple 20 feet away. God knows what'd happen if the fan ever learnt how to type 'Paris Hilton sex tape' into Google – he'd probably have some kind of debilitating stress-related hernia.

It's been a busy weekend for Paris Hilton all in all, really – there was the fight with Lindsay Lohan, the pitiful underperformace of her new film and now this burst of semi-nudity. But it might have crocked her in the long-term – how on Earth is she ever going to be able to top this?

Maybe it's time for Paris Hilton to pull out the big guns. Yes, we're suggesting that she wets herself in another taxi.

Read more:

Paris Hilton boobs in Boston – The Sun 

[Image - INF/GoffPhotos.com] 

Sure you do – she was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago, back when people actually watched it and the show wasn't relegated to E4 with an audience consisting entirely of Dermot O' Leary's mother (who only tuned in out of a sense of grim, WW2-like duty).

Well, brace yourselves. Bet you all thought that Chantelle's naturally graceful poise and beauty was just the result of superior breeding, didn't you? Bet you wept tears of jealousy knowing that a mere mortal like yourself could never attain such heights of genetic perfection? Fear not, children. It turns out that your bitter, fuming, stranger-stabbing envy was completely unfounded.

Chantelle, you see – and a number of other pointless oxygen-thieving 'celebrities' – have apparently been treating themselves to a bit of discount plastic surgery every now and then.

Hecklerspray is particularly interested in this. We'd love to find out how such normally expensive procedures can be done on the cheap. Life is a constant misery, what with having to put up with the cruel taunts of passers-by – stuff like 'you look like Brad Pitt, loser' and 'nice muscleboard abs and sturdy masculine cheekbones, you freak.' We're so tired, people. So tired.

Anyway. It would seem the best way to procure some cut-price surgery is to get yerself represented by Neon Management, the 'talent' agency behind such luminaries as dear old Chantelle, fellow Big Brother cretin Chanelle Hayes, tit wielder Nikki Sanderson and son-of-an-alcoholic-wife-beating-thug Calum Best – a list of people so supernaturally useless that the universe would probably give up on itself and commit hari-kari were they all to gather in the same room.

The catch? All the stars have to do is wax lyrical about Transform (the plastic surgery clinic) during interviews. PR representative Shami Choudry explained the move:

"By teaming up with Neon, we can get the recognition we deserve."

Absolutely. It's about time those noble, valiant heroes of the plastic surgery industry got some sort of break, isn't it? Face it – it's not as if they pull in countless millions of pounds every single year.

Still – relying on Chantelle to be articulate enough to give good PR might just be a bit of a gamble. Unless Transform are really quite keen on the slogan "yeah, plastic face-makey stuff is, like, wicked, innit? Can I have another Bacardi Breezer, please?"

"And a career?"

Read More:

Chantelle Does NOT Want You To Know This – Heatworld

We love it as much as we love watching The Notebook. In a sauna. Wearing a parka. And burlap underwear.  

And if there’s anything we love more than American Idol, it's following past American Idol contestants on their road to guaranteed fame and fortune.Take Carrie Underwood for example. She’s twanged her melodies all the way to the top of the country music world, and it isn’t because she’s worked that midriff or had unclassy cleavage, either, because girlfriend says she isn’t into showing a lot of skin.  

You see, kids? You don’t need to know that Europe is a continent, not a country to be successful. Just have classy cleavage and you’re golden. 

In the January issue of Glamour magazine, former American Idol finalist Carrie Underwood shares her views on the hot button topic of body image. Like many celebrities these days, Carrie Underwood’s weight has been followed closely by the press. It’s such a fascinating topic, really. The sooner we can convince young starlets to become human Shrinky Dinks, the sooner we can start railing on them for being deathly skinny and shake our heads in disgust at what terrible role models they are for young girls. 

Carrie Underwood really gets to the heart of the matter as the following quote from the Glamour article illustrates: 

“I definitely don’t do stomach, because nobody wants to see that… And cleavage can be done in a tasteful manner — you can be intelligent, sexy and not have boobs everywhere.” 

The statement “not having boobs everywhere” is intelligent and sexy enough all on its own if you ask us. Intelligent, sexy ladies throughout the years have often commented on not having their boobs everywhere. Seriously, Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly were all about not having their boobs go everywhere.   

Really, though, it’s a breath of fresh air to see an attractive young lady not feel like she has to flash the whole world to be successful and respected. Well done, Carrie Underwood. Well done. Now get back to making that good old fashioned country music even though we’d rather listen to an album of cats being strangled.  

Hey, Christina Aguilera, we hope you took Carrie Underwood’s message to heart before you spray yourself orange and made us all look at your big naked foetus-filled stomach all the time. Oh, wait…too late. Far, far too late.

Read more: 

Underwood Won't Show Off Her Belly – Access Hollywood