As you may have noticed we’ve thrown ourselves into festival season like nobody’s business this summer.

We’ve already had some great weekends and it’s still so early!  If you still haven’t decided where to go this summer, then please allow us to make some recommendations! So what’s in store for July then?

Apart from shouting ‘bollocks’ in a field and hoping everyone will join in, as opposed to bricking your tent to death…

If you’d like to spend some time with some dogs-on-string, people in awful novelty hats while drinking warm cans of lager which cost you £20, roll up, roll up, step right this way…

Wakestock 8-10 July, Cardigan Bay

Curious one this- music and wakeboarding. No, us neither but you have to admit it sounds interesting doesn’t it? And at £100 a ticket, pretty good value too considering music-wise you get Biffy Clyro (who are the closest thing you get to a sure thing at a festival), Subfocus, Chase & Status, Kelis and of course Ed Sheeran who, it has been predicted, will have been seen by every man, woman and child in the UK by the end of the summer.

Sonisphere, Knebworth 8-10 July

The one remaining essential weekend for metal. They’ve bagged themselves an outrageously good line-up this year including the big 4 (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax), Biffy Clyro, Slipknot, Mastodon and (cleverly) Bill Bailey.

Latitude, 14-17 July, Suffolk

Always a great bet for grown-up left-of-centre music, the heasdliners aren’t up to its usual high standards (Suede, The National and Paolo Nutini) but there are plenty further down the bill including My Morning Jacket, Iron & Wine, Foals, British Sea Power, Deerhunter, CW Stoneking and Ed bloody Sheeran. The atmosphere is very friendly but sometimes it’s a little too polite and is like spending a weekend inside a Guardian music supplement. Not for those who think Glastonbury has gone too middle-class.

2000Trees, 14-16 July, Gloucesteshire

Along with Oxford’s Truck festival, our best bet for underground rock and pop. Our favourites include Frightened Rabbit, Los Campesinos!, The Twilight Sad and Amplifier. A line-up put together by people who clearly spend too much time listening to music so that you don’t have to. Trust them.

Camp Bestival, 29-31 July, Dorset

Run by Sunday Best who know their festival shizzle, this is the ultimate family festival. We don’t mean it’s the ultimate kids’ festival, simply that it’s utterly inclusive. If you want to dance to the early hours or would rather hang out with your kids and retire early, all options are available. Everyone can have fun without having to compromise. Line-up wise they’ve got Primal Scream, Blondie, Beardyman, The Wonder Stuff, Mr B The Gentleman Rhymer and obviously Ed “I’m actually just following you around at all times” Sheeran.

Global Gathering, 29-30 July, Stratford-Upon-Avon

If you prefer telling strangers you love them all night whilst dancing to a line-up that features every kind of dance music we can think of, then this is the one for you. Big name-wise they have Underworld, Ritchie Hawtin, Pendulum, Sasha and others but at this kind of event it’s about the quality of the lesser-known DJs that make the night. The buggers have got them too.

It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love: live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

As the sun sneaks out from behind one of his many clouds, the hot weather looks like it may arrive for one of the festivals that kick starts them all. Download is the chance for 75,000 people to gather together and rock out to leather clad men drenched in tattoos and piercings. Sounds like a bit ropey if you ask us.

Download festival means one thing: it’s the only weekend of the year when parents of angry teenagers can drop off their sprogs so they can all share a common love of hating the world together. Of course it may mean forking out over £300 for little Jimmy’s ticket, food supplies, tent, waterproof clothing and suncream but it means mum and dad can have Saturday and Sunday free of Norwegian mega death metal.

For the kids, it will be an opportunity to meet fellow angst ridden emo lovers. This gives the ideal opportunity for everyone to compare their generic star tattoos, lip piercings and why My Chemical Romance means so much to them.

Because the festival attracts a younger audience, expect a quick queue at the bar. Hopefully the Download staff will stick to alcohol laws and won’t serve beer to sixteen year old children. Though we’re sure that some young rascals will get their mucky paws on a few pints of cider and vomit up their £6 gravy and chips.

The Mr Whippy van will have to call in extra supplies of cotton candy to cope with the demand as children look for a sugary high as opposed to the one they’d get when they’d smoke cannabis cut with Oxo cubes.

Think of this festival as a massive childminding event where the entertainment isn’t a Punch and Judy show, but the screaming’s of some pissed up rock band. You’ll be lucky to see a synthesiser. Held over three says, Download offers the best new rock talent and aging crippled artists who won’t go away.

Friday – Go go go!

Kiss – You know that porn film which had Gene Simmons in it? Well boys and girls, this is what he does as a ‘proper’ job. No, he doesn’t paint faces for a living! He rocks out, probably with his cock out.

Rolo Tomassi – We love these young guns from Sheffield. They will surprise you with how loud and crazy they can be.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Motörhead - They have one song that everyone knows and that’s about it. They’ll only play it at the end of the set to make you wait.

Kid Rock – He’s an American Badass apparently. But we think of him as just an arsehole. Once upon a time he married Pamela Anderson. Go ask him about it, he probably tell you all about it.

Saturday – Go go go!

Ash – They may be cracking at the seams, but they’re always up for a song and a dance. Something which comes with bucket loads of sweat.

Biffy Clyro – Scottish rockers who don’t fall into the trap of being the same thrash metal track thirty-two times over. Ask nicely, and they may sing their version of Rhinna’s umbrella song.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pendulum – For fuck’s sake, are they booked to play at every festival this year? Just like 50 Cent playing Leeds in 2004, Pendulum are Download’s random booking.

The Offspring – Apparently we we’re wrong to label them one hit wonders. After Pretty Fly [For a White Guy] they’ve had more hits. How are they headlining?

Sunday – Go go go!

Lethal Bizzle – The guy’s amazing. His crossover blend of rock/hip-hop/electronica should appear to all. Even My Chemical Romance fans might crack a smile.

Exit Ten – One album done and many more to follow. A band to say you saw before they made it big and sold their souls to Simon Cowell.

Sunday – Avoid The Plague:

Fightstar – Get ready to piss in a bottle and launch it at Charley. The former Busted goon doesn’t really seem to fit in.

Jimmy Eat World – We don’t get them or understand their popularity.