Think of the environment and, depending on how gloomy you are, you either think of lambs frolicking in a meadow or a sad polar bear drowning in the sea.

But a non-stop torrent of hilarious blood and death? No. Which is why this new advert from the WWF is so bewildering. We think the point is that if you don’t recycle properly you’ll get mown down by some sort of gigantic vehicle, but we can’t be fully sure.

Nevertheless, that hasn’t stopped us from watching it again and again and again. And, you know, we promise to use less toilet paper or whatever.

Iggy, what happened? Did the royalty cheques for Lust For Life dry up?

It appears so as the once radical and slightly mental member of The Stooges has forgotten his punk ethos and decided to sell his soul to an insurance company. Another pissing insurance company, why do they think that famous people will get plebs off council estates in Sunderland to go with their company?

This advert doesn’t really explain anything. Are we covered against swarms of killer bees that can fire lasers at us? Would Swiftcover send a brick layer round if a polar bear knocked down one of our walls? We need some answers.

All the advert proves is that Iggy Pop still can’t afford a shirt and can’t string a sentence together. It makes Johnny Rotten’s butter commercial look slightly bearable.

After all, it’s essentially a video of some self-absorbed bastards holding up the entire Liverpool Street railway station one morning by dancing around like bellends in a flashmob-inspired prank.

But you know what? It’s actually quite heartwarming. And, yes, it’s an advert for a telephone company, but who cares? It’s lovely. However, if they try it around us in the future, we’d like it on record that someone will end up eating their bloody shoes.

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A few things immediately leapt out at us after viewing this advert.

First of all, John Lennon was dead the last time we checked. So how could he donate his cheeky Scouse tones to a charity appeal nearly thirty years after his death? Did the cocktail of drugs he took in his lifetime finally cause his decayed corpse to rise from the dead and seek out charitable causes? Though it would be slightly creepy and cool, it turns out that pesky Yoko Ono has donated his voice and image to the campaign. Now we know you can donate these alongside blood, sperm and the flu.

Now, don’t get us wrong, the campaign is a great one – it supplies computers to the world’s poorest children, so that they can read hecklerspray and leave badly-spelt comments for us to laugh at. But, really, the advert’s creators should have chosen someone other than John Lennon. He hails from Liverpool, so he’ll no doubt be able to get the laptops a little bit cheaper off the back of a lorry from his mate’s brother’s cousin.

Once a Scouser always a Scouser. Even from beyond the grave.

Apparently this is a desire that many of us share, which is why M&S has decided to ward off economic collapse by advertising Christmas using its normal collection of models in conjunction with Take That, who Happen To Have An Album Out. And what fun they all seem to be having – look, there’s Twiggy greeting the boys with a welcome note that looks like used to be used for holding children to ransom! Look, there’s Mark Owen trying to distract everyone from the fact he resembles Old Man Steptoe more and more with every passing day by cuddling a tinselly puppy!

Look, there’s the startlingly masculine model acting out Bernie Clifton: The Motion Picture during a game of charades! Look, there’s everyone getting progressively drunker and drunker until they inevitably end up in a disgusting swingers’ orgy where Lily Cole will have to end up with the tinselly dog because Robbie Williams isn’t in the band any more!

Look, M&S, you’ve gone about this all wrong. Christmas is about goodwill to all men. And what sort of goodwill do you think you’re promoting by waiting a full 77 seconds before letting Noemi Lenoir get her bra out? You utter sods.

No. We’re going to say no.

Look at him. Look at John Lydon’s happy little face as he springs about around the Morris dancers telling everyone how delicious Country Life is. He wrote God Save The Queen, you know.

Perhaps, and we get the feeling this is true, John Lydon only decided to advertise Country Life butter on TV because its first syllable sounds a bit like a swearword. Who knows?

Nevertheless, we’re confused. Is John Lydon no longer a punk because he’s appeared in a butter advert? Or is he now doubly punk because he’s confounded our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts? Or is he even less punk than we originally thought because confounding our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts is exactly what we thought he’d do, the big sell-out? Or is he the punkest punk ever because he knew we knew that we’d expect him to confound our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts and so he’s confounded that expectation instead, thereby rebelling against our own double bluff?

Discuss.

With food products, the adverts will usually end with a fat child licking one of their seven chins and giving the thumbs up to the camera. Cadbury’s has decided not to do this. Instead, they’ve dedicated 90 seconds to a man in a gorilla suit who drums along to a Phil Collins song. What connects a gorilla, Phil Collins and a bar of chocolate is beyond us. A year on, we still don’t get it.

Did Phil Collins control a gorilla army to make bars of chocolate? We bloody hope not – the health and safety people will be all over them. The only person winning in all of this is the irritating baldy drummer Phil Collins himself. Every time that advert got shown, he got paid. He’ll literally be sitting on a throne made out of chocolate and laughing like an idiot as he shaves a gorilla and attempts to make a wig out of it’s hair. You heard us. Literally.

Where’s The Ultimate Warrior when you need him?

Wow, seriously, can you see what the music department did here? Seriously, you can’t? Well let us explain it to you just in case you’ve had a momentary brain lapse.

Next is a UK fashion chain which went through a ropey patch before reinventing itself as a hip, trendy clothing brand for the modern MILF. Now, because of this, the songs in its adverts need to be up to date and modern. Of course, happy-go-lucky head-nodding indie toss is all the rage, so why not use Scouting For Girls?

The lyrics go “she’s so lovely” and – wow, guess what – the models in the advert try to come across as looking fairly lovely! Wasn’t there a more blatantly overdescriptive song they could have used? It would be like using the I Kissed A Girl song in a lesbian porn film. Because you know, that’s what they’d be doing.

Forgive us as we strut off to Saturday Night by Whigfield. Every day is a Saturday night to us. Though we don’t dress up as a ropey blonde in the video. Not yet anyway.

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R&B is sexier than any other musical genre.

Think about it – you ain’t gonna have much luck pulling the laydeez with your swept-haircut indie or your monocle-wearing classical or your no-one-really-likes-it-anyway jazz fusion. The most immediate way to make yourself attractive is to give yourself a smooth backing track full of ‘woah-oh’s and ‘mmmmm-baby-yeah’s.

This is something advertisers have been quick to latch onto. You can make virtually any product sleek and super-fine by associating it with a laid-back groove and harmonious vocal stylings. Right? Right? Eh? Are we right or are we right? We’re right. We always are.

Oh – apart from the commercial for Mr. Sprigg’s Barbeque.

This is … well … more just weird.

Still ranked by many as the ‘funniest thing ever’ and ‘really, really good’ and earning a hell of a lot of money for the people involved in it, Jerry Seinfeld obviously thought he could rest easy.

At least until a movie about a bee came about, which was clearly what he’d been waiting for all his life.

But now it seems the star of the sitcom with the bloke who drops the ‘N’ bomb on stage wants some more money – that has to be the reason, as agreeing to star in adverts for Microsoft isn’t something you do for integrity’s sake.

No, if reports are to be believed, agreeing to star in adverts for Microsoft is something you do for $10 million. The campaign is planned for the Fall (which is still called Autumn over here) and will see Seinfeld starring alongside the big man himself, Bill Gates.

No details have been confirmed beyond that, but we would wager the ads will be along the same vein – or a counter to – the awful, awful, awful Mac vs PC adverts of the other year. You know the ones – ‘oh, I use a computer to be cool, not for actual functionality – I’m a Mac!‘ and the rest of the bullshit they decided to cram down our poor, weak throats.

And lest we forget the British versions of the ads, which ruined the credibility of David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

Though, to be fair, they’ve now decided they’re happy to whore themselves out to any company that wants to sell anything ever, providing their stupid voices in exchange for cold, hard cash that they probably use to fund transport to their next recording studio, where they can then record another shitty advert that no one cares about.

Ahem…

Anyway, the hope is that Seiny-F will be able to slam some kind of ‘credibility’ into the ‘brand’ or some other marketing spiel. Speaking to CBS News, Brian Steinberg, television editor for Ad Age, said:

“Seinfeld does represent sort of a challenge. He’s not Dane Cook. He’s got a more sophisticated everyday take on things. He often comes across as a questioner of conventional wisdom but also can be kind of a crank. It’s a fine line to walk when you’re dealing with a younger person.”

A fine line to walk when dealing with a younger person would involve hitting them with a brick if they wanted to see Dane Cook in anything, ever – surely? Well, maybe not a ‘fine line’ – more ‘the right thing to do’.

Expect to see the credibility-destroying adverts aired towards the end of the year, and expect idiots to then believe that Microsoft are cool. These will be the same people that thought Macs were good, and not actually useless machines invented for particularly idiotic children. As we all know they are.

Plus didn’t Seinfeld have a Mac in his apartment in the show? And, in fact, we’ve just found (thanks to commercial-archive.com) out that Jerry Seinfeld once advertised Macs back in the early 90s. Look.

It’s a favourite word of ours, but still: integrity?

The ironing is delicious. Though, let’s face it, probably intentional too.

Yes, the girl that did some stuff once, apparently, is the new face of the Stampede Brewing Company’s beer that’s supposed to be good for you, Stampede Light Plus. Which is, let’s be brutally honest here, the dumbest thing that’s ever happened. Both Jessica Simpson and the fact that a beer is marketed as being good for you.

Putting vitamins in something doesn’t make it a magical elixir that cures all ailments – it makes it a beer with vitamins in it. And as for the light tag – well, thankfully that’s never taken off over here in Blighty. Good lord that would truly be hell on earth.

But faced with these inescapable truths, country superstar Jessica has refused to yield and has signed up to be a marketing whore, appearing in adverts for the ‘healthy’ beer and netting herself a 15 percent stake in the company as payment. Which does, of course, indicate that maybe she isn’t as thick as we all thought.

Either that or she just has a damn fine agent (or it was her dad). We need to get us one of those – a hecklerspray-branded beer would be the stuff of kings, clearly. Plus we wouldn’t lie and say it’s good for you, it’d just be a lager that slagged you off and was generally quite acerbic, if not misunderstood by many American consumers.

Far from just releasing some information and some adverts, there were also some quotes thrown the way of the press – thank god for that! Speaking with her mouth, Jessica Simpson said these inspiring, enlightening things:

“As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people. Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in awhile.”

The words: “entrepreneur,” “diversify” and “portfolio” lead us to believe that someone else prepared that statement for young Jessie, but the quoting fun didn’t dry up there. The president and chief executive of Stampede, Lawrence Schwartz, said these wholly believable things:

“She’s the face of the brand now. Jessica is America’s sweetheart and an internationally known entertainer who takes care of herself. You can see it in her smile, her skin, her confidence and her obvious physical fitness.”

Which probably – let’s be honest here – means she doesn’t actually drink a great deal of beer. Not to the extent the company would like people to drink, at least. Though her mental fortitude does indicate she has had a lot of brain cells killed off, so who are we to say? Not Pamela Anderson, that’s for sure.

But, as with any quoting frenzy, the best has to be saved for last. Weighing in with his opinion, Gary Hemphill, senior VP for consulting and financial services firm Beverage Marketing Corp let loose this fact nugget:

“Health and wellness attributes are driving virtually every new product and overall growth in non-alcoholic beverages, but this hasn’t happened to the same extent with alcoholic beverages–maybe because when people think ‘healthy,’ they generally don’t run for the bar.”

Nail. Head. Etc.

Stampede and Jessica’s ad campaign has the slogan “Be Smart, Drink Smart.” We’re actually overwhelmed with what we could put in response to that, so instead we’ll just leave the floor open to you, our readers.

There are many, many better ways. Surely. Hooking up with that mad-haired berk isn’t going to help her claw back the piles and piles of sanity the girl seems to have lost over the last couple of years.

Let’s be totally honest – it’s going to damage her more than she already is, and that’s before she’s even spoken to the man who dresses like a particularly stupid pirate.

But hecklerspray didn’t get in fast enough with our warnings, leaving poor old crazy Britney Spears free to appear alongside Russell Brand in some MTV promotional adverts for the upcoming Video Music Awards.

It still isn’t confirmed if Britters herself will be in attendance at the awards as she hasn’t got permission off her dad yet, but hopefully the blow to her psyche that surely occurred when she met the TV and radio ‘funny’ man will have been too much, forcing her to stay at home on the night. The other option doesn’t even bear thinking about, frankly.

For now, the only thing we can say with so-called ‘facts’ backing us up is that there have been a few promotional skits released and… well… they’re quite good, really.

Brand is still an irritating prannock, but he does at least have the good sense to make a joke of the fact that no one in the US knows who he is – and believe us, oh American readers out there, you don’t want to know who Russell Brand is – whereas Britney is actually quite charming, seemingly happy to poke fun at herself.

Does this mean we’re allowed to make fun of her again? Or is it still too serious an issue, that she’s gone mental and her life has fallen to pieces and all that gumph? No? Still not cool? Okay – just checking.

Did we mention there’s an elephant in the videos? Yes – in an all-too-subtle move on the part of the ad creators, they’ve decided to quite literally tackle the issue of the elephant in the room. And it’s actually borderline clever, the crafty little buggers – obviously it’s still blatant enough for the MTV’s core demographic to get the joke (it’s referring to Britney’s performance at last year’s VMAs, you fools!), but at the same time it’s pretty brave on their part.

We should stop writing with hangovers, it makes us too nice.

Russell Brand is an arsehole, Britney Spears went mental let’s all point and laugh… ahh, that feels better.

Anyway, a couple of the ads are below for your viewing pleasure. They’re bound to raise at least a smile, and it’s good to see Britney looking less like a skank-harpy of death (twice in a month). She leaves that honour to Brand.

Zing!

That is, unless a cosmetics company decide to make you white. Then you kind of fall down on part of that description.

It would seem that the make-up behemoths at L’Oreal may just be the types to force this kind of change on the young diva, with claims being made that Beyonce’s skin tone has been lightened for a magazine ad. The company dispute these allegations.

You know – ‘whitening’ things up to make them more palatable to the masses. They did it with every other element of black culture – the music, the clothing, the lingo – why not start trying to make black celebrities white too?

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard with it – but it’s Friday, and hecklerspray has some drinkin’ to get done. It’s maybe not as bad as that.

No, it doesn’t appear to be L’Oreal’s version of ‘ethnic cleansing’, more the result of a dodgy photo editing job.

The advert in question shows Beyonce after she’s done one of those hair dying things that girls seem to like so much – 100 per cent grey cover and all that. When the advert image of Bouncy is placed next to any other picture of her, it’s clear to see there’s something not quite right

She looks a bit Michael Jacksoned, frankly, with lighter skin and fairer hair. And it’s a bit frightening.

The claims – which began on everyone’s favourite website TMZ – were quick to be refuted by L’Oreal Paris. They said:

“We highly value our relationship with Ms. Knowles. It is categorically untrue that L’Oreal Paris altered Ms. Knowles’ features or skin tone in the campaign for Feria hair color.”

Which is all well and good, and it’s not like us to be disbelieving of a multi-national corporation like this, but… well – just look at the pictures. While it may well be true that the company had no idea they had ‘whitened’ Beyonce, it cannot be denied that she looks a lot more like a white chick than she normally does.

Which conjures up awful, awful, awful imagery of a possible Wayans Brothers sequel. Something surely not out of the question with the re-makery on show in Hollywood today.