Dear hecklersprayers, this article contains information that may ruin your appetite and could even inflict some serious mental damage, distrust of the female nether-parts up to and including the Predator?s face.
Right, with that legal stuff out the way, it's bad news for all straight men and gay women out there. Susan Boyle is on the look for a suitable mate.
We can't actually bring ourselves to speak of the hairiest winner of Britain?s Got Talent in a sexual light. It just seems very, very wrong. Like how you wouldn't want to know about your grandparent?s sex life, or how your mother explains the first time you find a condom in their bedroom. An uneasy, topsy turvy feeling in your stomach makes you want to vomit enough bile to make Example think ?Jeez, they're being a bit harsh.?
So, we're not going to dwell on the unfortunate facts that come with having a first boyfriend; the heated frisson, the ?do they/don't they?, the damp patches on her knickers, and instead think of how happy the stubbly singer will be.
Apparently the hirsute honey isn't short of offers either. Which must make all of you?s with no girlfriend/boyfriend slightly envious. I mean, if a woman approaching the sweaty depths of menopause with natural hair like that can get someone to boff their brains out, what's wrong with you?
The stubbly siren is ready to settle down with a lovely fella who looks after her and thinks of her in a nice way. Just like what she did for her mother until she died in 2007. And for a few years after that until she decided to audition for BGT and Simon Cowell ditched her corpse in the usual place: under the stage of Red Or Black?
But who would be a good suitor for the closest thing we've got to explain the Missing Link in human evolution? Well, she thinks Donny Osmond is good enough for her. Which is going to stress middle aged women the World over. Perhaps they?ll rise up in a Justin Bieber-style army to find Cowell?s pet pig and string her up. Or maybe just pop down to Waitrose for some prosecco before she picks up the kids in the Range Rover.
We think that because Donny Osmond isn't available at the moment, we could come up with three people who would be perfect for her.
Harry from Harry And The Hendersons
It's a perfect choice for a hairy mythical beast to be the one that makes an honest woman of Susan Boyle. Both are things of legend. They?re both equally as hairy as each other. And Harry has the Hendersons, who wouldn't mind another surrogate beast roaming around their house, drinking all the milk and getting up to general mischief.
John McCririck from your nightmares
Tell the truth, having Susan Boyle as a love rival to Booby would make an excellent reality TV show. One can sing Nessum Dorma like no other, and the other is Susan Boyle. Instead of The Bachelor?s rose, McCririck could wipe a freshly picked nose baby on his chosen wife.
Trevor Eve/David Essex/Cliff Richard
Any one of these would be a fantastic addition to the celebrity landscape, and on the other hand, would really irritate all our mothers.
As if you couldn't have guessed, the bushy babe is telling us all this because she has a new album out soon, and wants people to buy it and listen to her Depeche Mode cover. If she does that by slamming her fleecy face in the papers, then so be it!
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