Just in case the return of the X Factor had left you in any doubt as to what season it is, the gods of reality TV have decided to point out to us all that it is September, and therefore it is Christmas.
And they've done this through the medium of celebrities in sequins grinding their genitals against poor, unsuspecting professional dancers. Apart from the huge amounts of wine and the chance to crush people?s souls with disappointingly awful presents, is one of hecklerspray?s favourite things about the neverending festive season.
Yes, Strictly Come Dancing is back, bringing with it all sorts of vitally important questions. Like who?ll cop off with their dancing partner, which is the only question we really care about. Our money?s on Edwina Currie. That woman willingly had sex with John Major. She clearly has no standards.
We?ll give Strictly one thing though; we've actually heard of most of their celebrities. Except Dan Lobb, who is a complete mystery. Even after the standard introductory VT, we're still not quite sure what he does. All we do know is that poor Dan is scared of dancing, which doesn't bode well. He got teamed with Katya something-or-other, and immediately looked deeply sexually awkward, and like he might cry.
Robbie Savage and his hair, meanwhile, were looking forward to working with an attractive woman (ie. having an affair). He got teamed with Ola Jordan and her spectacular breasts, so we can probably expect some very blonde, very tanned bastard lovechildren in about 9 months. Meanwhile, Harry ‘from McFly’ Judd and his arms were paired with some ginger woman. We weren't really paying attention. We were more concerned that if we said anything nasty about him he might crush our skull with his bare hands.
Whilst we were recovering from our arm-induced-shock, we got introduced to some of the women, including Lulu and her impossibly youthful and eerily static face, Anita Dobson of Eastenders and marrying Brian May fame, and some lass called Chelsee Healey, who is apparently from Waterloo Road (and is out to seduce herself a dancer).
Anita got someone called Robin, Lulu got sleazy sleazy Brendan Cole – who immediately kidnapped her – and Chelsee will be sexually assaulting new boy Pacha, much to the relief of the other male dancers.
In between all these introductions, things got a little surreal. Dolly Parton appeared on stage wearing a tiny top hat and doing a chicken dance. And we found out a few alarming things about the celebs, like the fact that Holly Valance likes sweaty men. And Edwina Currie hopes Audley Harrison falls on her. And Jason Donovan takes the whole thing too seriously and never stops. Although maybe that's a hangover from the years of heroin use.
And then it was back to the endless parade of introductions, just in case there was a single viewer left who hadn?t lapsed into a VT-induced coma. Russell Grant, Audley Harrison and Rory Bremner all got given partners who looked IMPOSSIBLY HAPPY to be paired with them. And then Jason Donovan got introduced as ?everyone's favourite Neighbour?, which was sure to irk Holly Valance no end. We look forward to watching her smash him in the head with her dancing shoes soon, with a heel right in his frail eye socket.
Ms Valance herself disappointed everyone by actually wearing clothes for the duration of the show, although we're not sure where this ?Hollywood career? of hers that they kept referring to has been hiding. She's partnered with Mr Kara Tointon ? aka Artem ? so may need to bosh another soap star over the head with her shoes if she's going to have the standard Strictly affair.
And so, we finally met the last of the celebs. Alex Jones declared herself out to beat colleague Matt Baker, which means she needs to win it. Edwina Currie will be having an affair with Vincent Simone. And Nancy Dell?Olio is just? completely insane. She thinks she's as famous as Sophia Loren and expects dancing to suit her because she's glamorous. She was paired with Anton du Beke, who will crush all her dreams and probably say something racist again.
And now they all have to sod off for three weeks and attempt to learn to dance. Which is just as well, because the group dance was one of the worst things ever to have been televised.
In amongst all this frivolity, they did actually force the professionals to do some dancing, which included Pacha getting danced on by all the Strictly ladies. Which is exactly how we welcome a new writer to the bedsit. Kris Silver?s pole dance is always particularly well-received. And don't even ask what editor Mof does.
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