Thanks to the joys of BBC budget cuts and misguided enthusiasm, this week was False Advertising Week on Strictly Come Dancing. The show claimed to be ?going to Broadway?, but as the BBC has an annual budget of about 17p and they clearly can't actually be arsed to fly a load of idiot celebrities to New York, they didn't go to Broadway at all.
No. They stood in the usual studio, and they wore some wigs, and they danced to showtunes. It was basically exactly the same as it always is. Just with worse hair.
Not that that stopped the judges from attempting to create some Broadway-worthy drama. For it turned out that ?bad boy? Brendan Cole had talked Lulu into doing an illegal lift during their routine. That heartless, evil bastard. Craig Giant-Surname got very annoyed about it, but nobody else gave a shit. Perhaps because they wouldn't know the rules of ballroom if they wandered up, shagged their daughter and set fire to their house.
Elsewhere, the drama continued as Audley tripped over his own ridiculous clown feet and managed to stay disappointingly upright, and Holly Valance got her heel caught in her skirt for all of about half a second. Who would?ve thought that feet would turn out to be the villain of the show?
We were convinced that professional dancer Robin (aka Evil Artem) was going to be this week?s evil swine, but alas, he just had an extra-dodgy wig on. And didn't seem any closer to snapping and killing everyone in the studio on live TV. His partner Anita Dobson still looks like a housewife in the middle of a nervous breakdown though, as she threw herself about the dancefloor with the manic grin of the heavily medicated. So she clearly knows about Evil Artem?s evil plan.
The men, meanwhile, were prancing about the floor completely oblivious to the evils of feet and wigs. Rory Bremner performed a quickstep, which was apparently ?his dance?. Dan Lobb was entirely forgettable and still not anywhere near as funny as he thinks he is. And Robbie Savage appeared, looked entirely ridiculous with slicked-back hair and a waistcoat but no shirt, and did a little dance to Abba. And everyone loved it. He is the dark horse of the competition, apparently.
The strictly costume designer was clearly having issues with shirts this week, because Harry ?Strong Arms Good Sense of Rhythm? Judd was also devoid of some of his clothing. He danced a jive, and Bruno jizzed himself on live TV.
Honestly.
No such shirtless fate befell Jason Donovan, thankfully. He just went to Priscilla and put on the most horrifyingly camp outfit of all time, before donning a bright pink shirt and flouncing around the dance floor with pink feathers and a scary grimace. It was better than it sounds though, because he came out top of the leaderboard again.
Alex Jones performed a very simple but apparently very effective waltz or something. we're not sure. We fell asleep a little bit. And then Chelsee Healey carried on being crazily overenthusiastic and overly tassled. She's going to have someone?s eye out one week. Hopefully. Not Bruce Forsyth’s though because he has two glass ones.
And what of Nancy and her incredible powers of self-delusion? She announced that she was actually amazing last week, and then attempted to have sex with a chair. She tried her best to do an actual dance, and then got her revenge on Anton by shoving him across the floor. The whole thing was a little disappointing.
But perhaps that was because all anyone cared about was Russell Grant, who is fast becoming the HAPPIEST MAN IN THE HISTORY OF TIME. He carried on his tradition of prancing around the floor in a white suit with a massive, cat-like smile. We want to shrink him down to 6 inches high and keep him as a pet.
The results show saw Dan Lobb being voted off, which was not surprising or particularly interesting. we're more worried about what will happen to Russell when he eventually gets voted off. His entire reason for living may be taken away, and he?ll top himself on live TV.
So please, everyone, for the love of God, keep voting for him. Otherwise you\’ll be responsible for the death of a happy little fat man.
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