Ah, the Strictly Come Dancing Halloween special. The BBC?s annual chance to horrify the entire nation with overly made-up celebrities, horribly acted VTs and Craig Whatsit-Thingy taking part in the most obvious joke of all time and flying into the studio on a broomstick.
October just wouldn't be the same without it.
But this year it wasn?t all about the hastily thrown together scariness. No, the horror came from something far more terrifying; Robbie Savage?s genitals. He?d clearly taken the praise of his hip-thrusts to heart, and spent his entire routine grabbing at his own crotch and thrusting Lil’ Savage towards the cameras. He ended his routine by leaping on the desk and shoving his cock in Craig?s face. Nobody quite knew what to say.
But the horror didn't end there; we also got treated to close-ups of Russell Grant?s waggling backside as he pranced around to Kylie. DURING THE FIRST DANCE OF THE SHOW. Really, shots like that should?ve come with some kind of health warning, but alas, the director evidently wanted to give us a special nauseating Halloween treat.
Also starring, it turned out, were Chelsee Healey?s breasts. Not content with being upstaged by her dancing last week, and Russell and Robbie this week, her funbags decided to make a bid for freedom and launch themselves out of her top. Chelsee immediately burst into tears whilst the entire British viewing public rewound her dance to try and see some nipple.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the filth scale, Alex Jones gave up all attempts to be sexy and donned a wedding dress to dance with a vampiric James. Who thankfully kept his mouth shut this week and didn't make a total dick of himself.
Nancy Del?Olio, however, was as gobby as ever. After being criticised for doing the same lift over and over and over again, she decided to launch a stinging critique of Anton?s choreography. Or stand there belligerently whilst pulling some daft faces. Same difference. Either way, the pinnacle of her dance was her lying in a coffin. The rest of it was obviously shit.
Elsewhere, the soap actresses of the show appeared to be using the Halloween theme to try and re-launch their acting careers. Anita Dobson pulled funny faces at the audience and everyone called her a wonderful actress. Holly Valance tried to channel Black Swan and dance to Swan Lake, and managed not to make a total fool of herself. She got spun around six times, and managed not to vomit. Everyone was very disappointed.
Also digging into her bag of Halloween tricks was Lulu, who did a Widdecombe and flew into the studio. Obviously, once she'd landed she had no idea what the hell she was meant to be doing and just tottered around the floor after Brendan. One of these weeks she's just doing to wander out of the studio and into the road. And no one will be able to stop her.
And so, we were left with the two supposedly “talented” men of the competition.?Harry Judd put on a lot of eyeliner and got another inexplicable 10 from Alesha, presumably because she wants to have sex all over him. Jason Donovan did a quickstep and ?returned to form? after last week?s carefully orchestrated attempt to make it seem like less of a foregone conclusion that he?ll win.
In the results show, the otherwise entirely forgettable Audley found himself in the bottom two with Nancy, who as always, seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that she's a terrible, terrible dancer. She thought the judges were too mean to her. The viewing public did not agree, and sent her home.
And so, Anton du Beke found himself free from the horrors of the Del?Olio. And promptly upstaged every other actor who has ever been on the show by ? almost believably – declaring he would miss her. Somebody give the man a leading role in a film. He clearly deserves it.
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