This week on Strictly, it wasn?t just the quarter finals. Oh no, that wouldn't be anywhere near exciting enough. So the producers came up with a hastily-thought-up-and-not-at-all-stolen-from-the-X Factor theme.
And so we had Strictly Movie Week. Which was mostly an excuse for atrocious VTs featuring some truly, truly terrible acting. And some tights.
Oh yes, the wardrobe department was out to kill everyone's mad sexual love of Harry McFly by putting him in pair of bright green tights and shoving him in a forest. Apparently it was because he was pretending to be Robin Hood, but really, we know it was because housewives all over the country had suddenly become deeply unsatisfied with their balding husbands thanks to Harry?s arms. And so, keen to avoid a spike in divorce rates, there were tights.
Unfortunately for pot-bellied husbands, the wardrobe folks forgot about their new aim when it came to the actual dance, and put Harry in some very, very tight trousers. He then proceeded to gyrate against Aliona, which everyone had the good grace to pretend was because he was doing a rumba. We know the dirty truth.
Considerably less erotic was Robbie Savage, who donned a suit and danced on the theme of Pulp Fiction. But nobody cared about that, because his partner Ola was also be-suited. Even Brucie pointed out that she was wearing far too many clothes for anyone?s liking, which was a bit like watching your Grandad perving on some poor innocent.
Apparently he even said it twice, but we missed the second one because we were too busy trying to swallow vomit.
Also bringing inappropriate levels of sex into some family programming was Holly Valance, who performed a Zorro-themed pasa doble and got herself her best score of the series for being such a sexpot. We were waiting for Kara Tointon to burst out of the audience and punch her in the face, but alas, they?d sneakily placed her a few rows back so she couldn't lunge at her rival. Which was disappointing all round.
Much like Alex Jones, who disappointed all and sundry by getting her heel caught in her dress and then not falling over. It was a perfect opportunity for her to stack it spectacularly and slide across the floor on her face, but no. Instead, she just carried on as normal. Her dance was Pretty-Woman themed, which the judges seemed to think brought out her ?sexiness?. Because apparently that's all that matters to those filthy-minded reprobates.
Which presented a bit of a challenge for Chelsee Healey, who was performing a Shrek-themed number. Yes, Shrek. That giant green ogre, who is obviously one of the most sexual of beasts. Annoyingly, Chelsee was dressed as Princess Fiona before she turned green, but Pacha got into the spirit and stuck some weird green ears on his head. They performed a jive and everyone thought it was amazing. Again.
And so, for once, we found ourselves agreeing with Craig Sourface-Aussie when he declared after Jason Donovan?s dance that it's boring now because everyone's good. Even Jason managed to remember all his Singing in the Rain steps.
And he frazzled his brain with drugs!
Alas, it turned out that remembering his steps wasn?t enough to stop Jason finding himself in the bottom two with Robbie. Which everyone was INCREDIBLY SHOCKED ABOUT. It was a travesty, and awful, and evil and a bit wrong. Even Robbie said that he should be the one to go, and Jason?s partner Kristina did some really overdramatic crying. And then Robbie got sent home, which was not at all surprising.
And so next week it's back to usual, with no theme, and no Robbie, and with the inevitable eviction of Alex Jones. We miss Russell Grant. And we never thought we?d say that.