Wasn?t last week?s Strictly jolly exciting, what with all the thousands of people and the being at Wembley? Who cares that they finally got rid of World?s Happiest Man Russell Grant; it was WEMBLEY and that is supposed to be AMAZING.
Everyone, everywhere was talking about it. If by ?everyone?, you mean the Strictly contestants. And by ?everywhere? you mean backstage at Strictly.
Still, plastic-faced Brendan was clearly very unhappy about missing out on Wembley after Artem?s miraculous recovery. So unhappy that he launched a despicable plan to get himself back on the show this week. But rather than attacking Artem, he decided to go for Artem?s evil twin Robin. They said on the VT that Robin was in hospital with a ?severe foot infection?, but we all know that Brendan injected him with nasty foot plague.
And so, Anita Dobson found herself partnered with Brendan and his evil plans for world domination. Unfortunately for her, it seemed that Brendan was a bit too busy trying to work out who he could take out next to actually teach her that much of a dance. She just walked around the floor to ?Uptown Girl? whilst we wandered around after her, singing along far too enthusiastically for our liking. At least the Duchess of Cornwall told Anita that her dance was good.
Nobody else may have liked it that much, but it came with Royal approval.
Thankfully HRH didn't stick around for the live show, because Robbie Savage?s routine may have landed him in the Tower. Because after a few weeks of not shoving his groin in everyone's faces, he decided that it was definitely time to bring the cock-thrusts back. Nobody else agreed. Especially not Craig. The poor man?s still scarred from that extra-special desk-leaping cock-thrust. And who can blame him?
Also incurring Craig?s wrath was Alex Jones, who performed a ?goofy? Charleston which was neither very good nor in time. Len found it funny though which was something. Although we're not sure if that was because it was funny on purpose, or because the whole thing just looked a bit ridiculous. Either way, he liked it. The fool.
Len wasn?t so happy with Holly Valance, though. Her and Artem performed a foxtrot to music that apparently isn't foxtrot music, and old purist Len thought it was a bit of a silly move. Everyone else thought it was great though. Except the audience, who were too busy being mesmerised by Ms Valance?s cleavage. Good to see someone is carrying on the tradition of overexposed bosom after Chelsee Healey?s costumes became more demure in the wake of Titgate. In fact,? Chelsee?s just more demure in general. Her routine was demure, and her costume was demure, and we were bored. She's apparently good though. Shame we can't bring ourselves to care.
Unlike Jason Donovan, who probably cares a bit too much. After totally cocking it up in front of 6,500 people at Wembley last week, the pressure was on to make this week?s routine perfect. Which he didn't. We?d say it was a shame, but we?d be lying. After all, everyone knows the best bit of Strictly is when people mess up or fall over. So Jason, we ask you to carry on buggering things up, please. We could do with a laugh.
Sort of almost closing the show were Harry and Aliona who performed a ridiculously good quickstep and scored 39 out of 40. Apparently they had really good sway, whatever that means. All hecklerspray knows is that Harry was wearing far too many clothes, and we were not happy about it.
Still, Harry got a second chance to dance around naked with the Strictly Swingathon, which involved all of the couples doing swing dancing all at once. Which was the first time all week that we've missed Russell Grant. IMAGINE him trying to swing dance. Just IMAGINE it. Unfortunately, imagining is all you can do, because he obviously wasn?t there. But Jason Donovan was, and he was messing up his steps again. Well done, Jason! You're doing just as we asked!
After three minutes of ridiculously enthusiastic dancing, Harry and Aliona emerged the victors, even though Harry had disappointed the entire female population by wearing clothes. They were given an additional 7 points to add to their total, and Brendan Cole immediately flew into an incredibly restrained and not at all visible jealous rage.
Especially after he and Anita got booted off on the results show.
We expect he is now sat at home plotting a way to take Harry out of the competition. Because it doesn't matter how many times he gets booted off; BRENDAN MUST WIN.