After last week?s prancing about for no real reason, this week Strictly is gaining some tiny, pathetic little morsel of a purporse in this meaningless world. Yes, this week on Strictly, they remembered that it's a competition and got round to actually throwing someone off.
Before they got dancing though, Bruce had to do an impression of a drunken camp dinosaur. We've no idea why, but what we do know is that that was the last point in the show where we bothered paying attention to him.
We were so distracted by Chelsee Healey that, for quite some time, we had no idea what was going on.
The VT informed us Chelsee (and her hair and boobs and general ridiculousness) couldn't concentrate, so we were looking forward to a comically dreadful dance. Instead, she started off on the judge?s desk dressed like a mop and shaking in a most alarming fashion. And then she performed a fairly decent routine. It was hugely, soul-crushingly disappointing all round.
Edwina Currie attempted to be a cougar who danced the foxtrot. Imagine. A cougar and fox hybrid! Anyway, she purred at the camera and a nation threw up in unison (thousands drowned in sick) and her routine featured huge amounts of sitting down and a ridiculous daft grin like she’s been hit in the face with an axe. It was apparently set in a caf?. You know? Where all that dancing goes on?
Away from cafes and back in the land of dancing, Audley Harrison (guitarist from The Beatles) threatened to punch Craig if he didn't like his salsa and then completely failed to follow through on his threat. Lulu disappointed everyone in the world by actually remembering her routine, and Holly Valance went fishing for compliments by announcing that she's not sexy.
Russell Grant danced some kind of alarming salsa to Dancing Queen and looked like he was having more fun than anyone has ever had before. It would?ve been sweet if it weren't so disturbing. Harry ?from McFly? Judd disappointed women everywhere by wearing sleeves, and they were all more or less acceptable. Some more than others.
And then Rory Bremner appeared, and danced in an open-to-the-waist spangly shirt. He shook his chest about a lot which will keep therapists in work for decades as the nation attempts to forget Rory’s moobs clapping together.
That and the fact that evil Artem (they call him Robin, but we don't believe it) forced poor, unsuspecting Anita Dobson to dress like a reject from a Timmy Mallet video and then dragged her around the floor.
Elsewhere, there was terrifying sexual harassment on display. Alex Jones got some electric shocks and then gave everyone nightmares by planting a kiss on John Prescott, who promptly jizzed himself in the front row. ?TV presenter? Dan Lobb still wasn?t funny, except during a lift where he buried his face in partner Katya?s ladygarden. And we're pretty sure that wasn?t intended to be comedic.
Letting us down on the sex-pesting though, was Robbie Savage. He came out dressed all suave and fancy in a suit, and not even the vast amounts of sideboob on display from Ola Jordan could distract him. He is a man reformed! He cares not for women, and football, and being a repulsive human! He is just here to dance!
We are bored of him already.
Everyone's favourite druggie Jason Donovan announced that last week?s stint at the top of the leaderboard was one of the highlights of his career. Never mind having sex with Kylie. Those?re priorities for you. He gets to bask in the glow of his greatest achievement a bit longer, because he was top of the leaderboard again.
And that left Nancy. Ridiculous, ridiculous Nancy. You may remember that last week her partner Anton tried to kill her to death with a feather boa. Well, this week he was determined to drop her on the head, and make it look like a well-intentioned lift gone wrong. But not before she'd stood on the judge?s desk and shown everyone her gusset. It's fair to say that it was perhaps the worst dance ever performed on television. Or anywhere, at any time, in the entire history of dancing. Obviously, everyone loved it.
And so we came to the results show, where Will Young came along and sang a nice song whilst walking down some stairs, and Claudia Winkleman continued to defy the laws of physics by wearing ALL OF THE EYELINER IN THE WORLD and still managing to keep her eyes open.
Edwina got sent home, pretty much purely because Nancy is funnier than her, and we got treated to a preview of next week?s ?Broadway Special?. In which Anton will ?accidentally? swap his stage pistol for a real one, and Nancy Dell?Olio will die on live television.
It'll probably be worth watching.
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