This week on Strictly, somebody cocked up and let Len go on holiday in the middle of the series. So, to replace him, they brought in the star of one of the biggest dancing movies of all time. No, it, wasn?t the reanimated corpse of Patrick Swayze but rather, Jennifer Grey and her unrecognizable face!
If they hadn?t told us who she was SO MANY TIMES we would never have believed them. Even when she referred to herself as ?Baby? we were still confused.
Whilst we were trying to work out if Jennifer Grey and Lulu shared the same plastic surgeon, and what the hell he'd done to the both of them, some celebrities did some dancing.
After causing 300 complaints to the BBC with the incredible power of his hip-thrusts last week, Robbie Savage decided to be poised and fully dressed and did a waltz. It was boring and according to the judges he had no chemistry. We may lodge a complaint about the dullness just to really baffle him.
Thankfully, one of the other celebs stepped up to the sexual harassment mantel, as Lulu continued the grand tradition of attacking Craig by giving him a snog. She also spent a portion of the VT dancing around her kitchen with her hair in rollers and a balloon, so we can safely assume she's completely cracked.
Audley and his giant feet tried to be romantic by waltzing round the room to Avril Lavinge. The most exciting part of his entire dance was the fact that they took the lyrics literally and actually put a bridge in the studio. As soon as they?d moved on from that, we forgot to pay attention. Again.
Upping the excitement factor were Harry Judd and his incredible arms. After needlessly covering him with clothes for the past few weeks, the costume department decided to put him in something see-through and sleeveless. Women throughout the country were grateful, but the judges didn't seem to think this went far enough. They all wanted him to ?let go?. By which we assume they mean to just dance around entirely naked and entice everyone with his swinging member.
Elsewhere in the flasher fantasy-land of Strictly, Craig thought Jason Donovan exposed himself. Not in an indecent exposure kind of way though, thankfully. Apparently his rumba was entirely lacking in passion, and for the first time ever ol?Jasey found himself in the bottom half of the leaderboard. Housewives everywhere squealed in indignation.
Alex Jones quickstepped her heel into her own dress and then promptly fell over. Which wasn?t actually as ridiculous as it sounds. Unlike Russell Grant?s performance, which was so ridiculous that words cannot describe it. He started off wearing glasses on a bucking bronco, and then stomped round the studio doing what was apparently a paso doble. We had to double-check our drink to make sure nobody had slipped a hallucinogenic in there without us noticing.
Holly Valance?s partner Artem was suffering from a mystery injury. So mysterious, in fact, that it took them until the results show to decide that it was a back injury, which leads us to believe that it's a case of Kara Tointon going all Nancy Kerrigan and attacking her own boyfriend so he won't have to keep dancing with Ms Valance. Unfortuntely for Kara, they just dosed Artem up on a shitload of very strong painkillers and her plan failed.
And so, we were left with two ladies (we use the term loosely) and their Charlestons. Anita and Robin rehearsed for theirs by dressing up as gangsters and attacking each other with shaving foam, whilst Chelsee and Pacha went all Karate Kid. Neither of them fell over, and nobody?s tit fell out, so we were a bit disappointed. Unlike the judges, who loved them both, the fools.
So we came to Sunday night?s results show, which was hugely predictable although everyone tried to pretend it wasn?t. Audley found himself in the bottom two once again, because that's where he lives now. Joining him was Lulu, who clearly freaked everyone out with her weird balloon dance and got sent home to continue her decline into complete insanity.
At least her delusions will provide ideas for Russell’s next dance though. That’s something.
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