Ah, reality TV. Don't you just love it? With its endless orchestrated arguments and the potential to watch celebrities make total and utter knobs of themselves, it's one of the wonders of the modern age. And this week, Strictly lived up to all its monstrous reality to potential.
Yes, after last week?s Broadway show, this week Strictly returned to having no theme whatsoever. Which clearly was not to the satisfaction of professional dancer James Jordan, who used his complete lack of imagination to launch his very own theme of ?fight night”, and spent most of the evening yelling at the judges about how they were talentless little gits who are not appreciative of his skill and talent at choreography.
He was on a crusade to appear as stupid as possible, possibly to detract attention from the fact that he'd tried to make Alex Jones look sexy by making her dance to ?Run? by Snow Patrol. That most sexual of all the songs.
Also engaged in a fight to the death were, inevitably, Nancy and Anton. They did a dance based on a bullfight, and nobody had any idea if Nancy was meant to be the cape or the bull. You?d think it would be obvious, but apparently not. Anton did his best to thwack her head on the floor at the end of the routine, but unfortunately Nancy?s vice-like leg grip around his waist kept her just clear, providing a whole world of alarming mental images for us to try and kill with excess gin and Domestos shots.
Harry ?good arms? Judd, meanwhile, disappointed women the world over by wearing a complete outfit. He danced a waltz with partner Aliona, caused a fight about a kiss on the cheek, and then got inexplicably given the first ten of the series. We expect Jason Donovan will be waiting for him backstage, ready to attack him with some heroin and ruin his chances in the competition.
Because good ol’ Jason had a bit of a rubbish week this week, he got over-excited about his Spanish theme, and spent his time hanging around Tescos in fancy dress rather than actually practising. And so, for the first time in the series, he vacated the top of the leaderboard. And left it open for Chelsee.
Yes, that's right. Chelsee tassle-tits Healey was top of the leaderboard. She dressed up as an air hostess and took enough Ritalin to calm down for a few minutes and get through her dance, and it turns out she's actually quite good. Hopefully the costume department have learnt their lesson and will keep her outfits on the more sedate side from now on. She clearly just can't resist as tassle-shimmy.
Also dressed kind of classily was Anita Dobson. Who?s 62. Did you hear that? 62! Everyone on Strictly would like to see someone else her age perform with so much excitement. 62! Who would?ve thought it? We have no idea what her dance was like because we were busily making sure that we remembered her age. Which is 62. Just so you know.
Of course, in all this fuss, the judges had forgotten that they had another 62 year old in the show – Lulu – who set out to prove that she's still freakishly youthful by performing a samba, which all the judges loved. It turns out, you see, that her weird tendency to stomp around the stage seemingly at random wasn?t because she had no idea what was going on, but was actually a wonderful samba. That's us taught.
Competing with Lulu for the title of ?best natural blonde on Strictly? was Robbie Savage, who performed a nice little jive and landed himself solidly mid-table. Much like his footballing career then. Alesha Dixon thinks he should get a shampoo campaign. The rest of the world thinks he should get a haircut. With a hacksaw. From the throat upward.
Also sporting interesting hair this week was Russell Grant, who seemed to have dyed his hair a strange dark colour just for the occasion. We were briefly baffled by it, but then we realized that his dance started and ended with him in bed. Yes, that's right. They brought a bed onto Strictly. We will be having nightmares about him and his teddy bear for years to come.
And so, we were left with the two unlikely men, Audley Harrison and Rory Bremner. Audley destroyed any credibility he had left by attending ballet lessons, but at least he didn't trip over his feet this week. And poor Rory suffered the same fate as Alex Jones, and utterly failed to be sexy. Even though he completed a number of eyeball-scarring hip gyrations.
Clearly, the public was upset by Rory?s magical moving genitals, because they voted him off. Everyone looked incredibly upset, and started giving fellow bottom two dweller Nancy the dirtiest stink eye you've ever seen. Because she is obviously dreadful. Still, she lives to dance another week, and will be back on screens next week for the Strictly Halloween special.
Although we defy them to come up with anything even half as terrifying as Russell and that bear.
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