Next week?s Strictly is going to be really exciting. Not this week, next week. Next week they're all going to Wembley Arena, where they?ll have the chance to fall over in front of a live audience of 6,000 people. Next week. Not this week.
This week was just the boring week where Len was back and they talked about Wembley a lot. All the celebs wanted to get to Wembley. None of them were actually there yet. Tess Daly informed us of this fact a lot. Everyone pretended to care.
With no Jennifer Grey and no massive live audience this week, the producers had to come up with some other drama to keep the audience entertained. And so they conspired with Kara Tointon to break poor Artem?s back. Because that's what last week?s mystery injury turned out to be. A fractured spine.
Of course, they didn't mention this on the show in case it scared the grannies; they just put Brendan Cole on a horse and pretended he was saving the day. He and Holly danced Artem?s specially choreographed dance whilst Artem watched on looking both pained and completely whacked out on very strong drugs. It was a special time.
Less special, inevitably, was Audley. He and his massive feet attempted to do a samba, but ended up just stomping around the dance floor after partner Natalie like a Scooby-Doo mummy. Craig expressed everyone's annoyance with him for still being there and gave him a 3, whilst everyone else tried to resist the urge to tell him to just sod off already.
Alex Jones finished what Jennifer Aniston started back in Friends, and proved that grown women in cheerleader outfits look ridiculous, not sexy. And just to really crush the fantasies of teenage boys up and down the country, her dance started with her playing with a creepy rag doll. It was almost as disturbing as Russell Grant and that teddy bear. Almost, but not quite.
?The Grant? meanwhile, truly excelled himself. Not content with his usual technique of stomping around the floor with a massive grin, he decided that this week required something more special. And so he did a costume change. Thankfully it wasn?t a Bucks Fizz-style skirt rip; he stepped behind a screen and put on a gold sequined suit. Absolutely nobody had any idea what to say, presumably because they were too busy wondering if somebody had slipped some of Artem?s crazy strong painkillers into their drinks.
Also potentially on drugs was Chelsee Healey, who continued being disappointingly good. We suspect the producers may have slipped her some Ritalin, and maybe also a little bit of valium, just to get her to calm the fuck down. We miss her manic tassle-shaking and ballroom frenzy. It was far more entertaining than this kind of good dancing stuff.
Elsewhere, Anita Dobson carried on being both 62 and pretty good, whilst Jason Donovan recovered from last weeks? apparently dreadful rumba and did a very pretty but really quite boring waltz. But the real drama of the show came from Harry Judd.
Apparently, Len wasn?t convinced by the passion in Harry?s Argentine tango. Which quite possibly makes him both blind and senile, because everyone else watching managed to catch onto the fact they Harry and partner Aliona were basically having sex on prime time national TV. There was a big debate between the judges about the appropriate level of filth in a tango, whilst Harry stood there looking nice and awkward. Presumably because he just wanted to get off stage and whack one out.
In the results show Anita and Audley found themselves in the bottom two, which nobody was happy about. They were fine with Audley being there, of course, but Anita?s appearance was both shocking and also wrong. And so nobody gave anything even vaguely resembling a shit when Audley and his feet were sent home.
Although they didn't dare say that, obviously, just in case he punched them in the face.
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