Yesterday – as is the norm – saw part one of hecklerspray's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, but we want you to forget what you read then. Disregard it entirely. Because, you see, all of yesterday's dancers suck a big dog's balls.
In fact we'd go so fat as to say that if if any of yesterday's Strictly Come Dancing contestants – Claire King, Peter Schmeichel, Matt Dawson or Carol Smillie – actually wins Strictly Come Dancing we'll fire a rocket up our bum like that moron we read about in the news yesterday did. Well maybe not a rocket. An indoor firework perhaps. Yes, that's what we'll do. Now, today's Strictly Come Dancing contestants – that's a whole different story. This bunch is the Strictly Come Dancing A-list.
Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Ray Fearon, Emma Bunton, Louisa Lytton and Mark Ramprakash…
Ray Fearon – Much has been made of Ray utilising his Shakespearean acting ability to harness the power of the dance to full effect. Each week he creates a brand new character to build his new Strictly Come Dancing routine around, we've heard. This week Ray Fearon created a character that was slightly better at dancing than Carol Smillie but not quite as good as the rabbity girl from Eastenders. And it was a flawless performance too – the routine to I'll Make Love To You was exactly that; stylish, unremarkable and able to make the female Strictly Come Dancing judge fall to the floor feeling herself up like that woman we saw on a documentary about glue-sniffing once: "That's the most virile Viennese Waltz I've ever seen in my life!" she gasped at Ray in between rubbing herself up against her chair leg. SCORE: 35 – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/1
Emma Bunton – Poor old Emma Bunton; up until now she was out and out favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing, but this week she's suddenly slipped to third favourite. Third favourite suits Emma Bunton well; she was, after all, everyone's third favourite Spice Girl after Scary and Ginger. And Posh. Oh. Anyway, Emma Bunton's Strictly Come Dancing routine to Kiss From A Rose was the reason for this slip – it was just as deathly dull as you would have expected, and livened up solely by the Strictly Come Dancing judges having their drinks seemingly spiked with LSD while they were distracted by all the dancing. Well, that's the only way we can explain comments like "You were like rose petals gently falling to the floor as you moved around. You really became a true woman tonight," anyway. SCORE: 34 – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/3
Louisa Lytton – As we've already said, the salsa is dance that's all about sexiness and raunch. Since Louisa Lytton is only three weeks old, she couldn't possibly be expected to dance with all the red hot slagginess of, say, Claire King. And it showed too – Louisa Lytton's Strictly Come Dancing routine to some turdy Enrique Iglesias tune had all the sass of an evening spent drinking 99p cider under a motorway underpass. And we should know. Although she's still second favourite to win, the Strictly Come Dancing judges took their chances to tell Louisa Lytton exactly what they thought of her: "It lacked an element of sensuality. It didn't burn the floor for me," they said. SCORE: 29 – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/3
Mark Ramprakash – We've known for a while that Mark Ramprakash was the best Strictly Come Dancing leg-wobbler, but since he's not as well-known as Emma Bunton or Louisa Lytton he was always the underdog. Well that changes now, since Mark Ramprakash is officially the favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing from now on. Not even a spectacularly oafish error that meant they needed to have two cracks at the dance could stop the Mark Ramprakash Strictly Come Dancing juggernaut. On Saturday Mark danced the Salsa to Hot Hot Hot with such verve that the judges went into hyperbole overdrive: "You turned that into a meltdown… You must have caused global warming!" SCORE: 36 – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/11
On Monday – We'll be back to take the piss out of whichever moron got the X Factor shove…