On Saturday we're all going to be treated to the Strictly Come Dancing semi-final, where the best three dancers of the series – apart from the good black ones who were mysteriously voted off early – will dance… dance to the death!
OK, not to the death, but you get the idea. Anyway, Strictly Come Dancing is freaking us out. This time last week we were happily mocking Tess Daly's continued inability to do that little dance at the start of the show, and then on Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing Tess Daly went out of her way to point out that she did the dance without a hitch. We were half expecting her to point into the camera, roll her eyes up into the back of her head and starting intoning mumbled threats to hecklerspray for doubting her ability. It was weird, like Tess Daly was reading our minds. Our minds! Or our website. One or the other.
Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash…
Mark Ramprakash – Thanks to our new-found love of Furoshiki, the traditional Japanese art of folding cloth to transport goods, we missed Mark Ramprakash's first Strictly Come Dancing routine – a waltz to With You I'm Born Again – but it was on in the background and it looked sort of slow and graceful-looking to us, but the Strictly Come Dancing luckily weren't practising neatly wrapping two wine bottles in a square of cloth during the performance and called it "Fantastic. Genuine, honest; a warm and sincere ballroom dance." Fortunately we were paying attention for Mark Ramprakash's second Strictly Come Dancing routine – a jive to Blue Suede Shoes – which meant we got to see Mark's horrible shirt unbuttoned all the way to his navel, Mark's sub-Elvis hip-wiggling and the Strictly Come Dancing judges railing against his wonky Dad at a wedding grooving in retina-burning close-up. "You performed like you were in it to win it, but, and I've got a big but, that was almost a blue suede Jiving disaster," the female judge told him, which at least made a change from her perving over Mark like a randy builder. SCORES: 36 & 27 – Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 5/6
Tomorrow – Last-minute X Factor final betting odds, where we'll do our best to convince you that you really shouldn't vote for Ray.