Audiences Confused When Spring Breakers Don’t Die Brutally at the End

spring-breakers-new-new-01 Spring Breakers audiences this weekend were left baffled as they exited cinemas across the country when the film did not result in the film’s main characters ultimately ending up in a snuff film arranged by James Franco’s character “Alien.”

While many professional critics have raved over the last several weeks about this film as a raw look into the nihilistic aggression of the hedonists among our wayward youth, average audience members with any goddamn sense knew that this was just an excuse for Harmony Korine to get a bunch of teenagers into bikinis and more provocative states of undress, make them look like morally bankrupt whores and call it “satire.” Said audience members thought the natural culmination of that would be in a brutal snuff ending. They were mistaken.

Things had already begun to go wrong in the theaters as several women born between 1979 and 1991 fell victim to flashbacks of being subjected to the histrionics of similar faux lesbian duos from their high school years. Being reminded of the girls who drew dicks on everything and wore thongs under their cheerleading uniforms, many burst into panicked tears at the memory. Several were escorted out into waiting ambulances as remaining audience members sat certain that the film would end 8MM style.

Featuring innumerable crotch shots, an uncomfortably long scene featuring gun fellatio, and enough “Fuck me if you dare” looks from Vanessa Hudgens to max out a cell phone’s photo capacity, it was shocking to many that not a single one of the spring breakers featured in the film died a horrible death at the hands of the deeply misogynistic anti-hero of the story, played brilliantly by James Franco.

Margot, a PhD student, exclaimed, “It was just so strange to me. From the word “go” this movie was clear about its thesis that young women are vile, sex-crazed lunatics. To end the film with only a single bullet wound among all four of the female characters was more confusing than that crime spree montage to a Britney Spears song.”

Glenn, a fraternity brother and noted asshole complained, “I totally thought that hot chick from Witches of Waverly Place was gonna get it. I was wrong man, so wrong.” He wimpered as he left the theater, too bummed out to even finish eating his jalapeno nachos.

Several moviegoers were certain that the repeated mantra “Spring Break Forever” was the foreshadowing of their imminent deaths, dooming the girls be on Spring Break for eternity as their short lives ended in some rented ranch-style suburban meth heap in St. Petersburg.

Audiences left shaking their heads, and not only because they had been forced to look at the impossibly handsome James Franco in those hideous teeth for 90 minutes. How could a director hate young women that much and not kill any of them in his most mainstream film to date? They wondered aloud, but no answers were immediately forthcoming. Critics and participants in the film muttered something about satire and intentional desensitization and went on their merry ways.

Britney Spears and Youtube sensation Riff Raff were not immediately available for comment.

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  1. Jeff says

    Ironically, Riff Raff actually DID comment about this movie. Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand a DAMN thing he said!

  2. Joe Blow says

    This is the stupidest fucking article I’ve ever read, and I’ve read a lot of stupid shit.

  3. suomynonA says

    I just wanted to see Selena Gomez nude. They just HAD to make her a goody church girl with morals. I’m just glad I snuck into this movie and didn’t have to pay for non-nude Selena Gomez.

  4. Yousack says

    What kind of an amateur dickhead starts an article off by putting a movie spoiler in the title?
    Well, since I now know how it ends, let’s read the rest to see if it was worth it. Nope.
    When you feel the need to write something yet have nothing to say, just don’t write.

  5. Bleepbloop says

    I think this movie was great! It’s different and I don’t think Hermione’s intentions were to get young girls in bikinis and be all perverted. This was his art and no matter what you say, this movie can relate to everyone is some sort of way.

  6. potsynolls says

    This movie was great in a sense that it was mainly about visual style. The characters were who they were. The point of it all was that you are just there for the ride; it’s a story with characters. The gun sucking scene was too long and uncomfortable, as the author mentioned, but sort of made sense because Alien was into them and into those girls. The whole movie was about kink and living wild. I liked how the movie took the audience deeper into the street life away from the typical vacationers experience. Very cool camera work and choice of colors!

    Also, SOME girls are really like that, so let’s not act like they aren’t out there! Ever see girls-gone-wild? No one is forcing them to do a thing, so don’t deny that people have a wild side to themselves (men do as well as women).

  7. ????? says

    “average audience members with any goddamn sense knew that this was just an excuse for Harmony Korine to get a bunch of teenagers into bikinis and more provocative states of undress”

    What are you talking about? Did you even see the movie or know who these actors are! How in anyway could you think they are teenagers! First off all the characters are in college. Secondly, look at the ages of the actresses:

    Selena Gomez – 21
    Ashley Benson – 23
    Vanessa Hudgens – 24
    Rachel Korine – 27

    So who are these “teenagers” you were talking about?

  8. wrong^^ says

    the ages of the actresses mean absolutely nothing, they were undoubtedly playing teenage girls.

  9. ^^wronger says

    Dude they were in college. Unless you consider someone between the age of 18-22 a teenager (which the US government doesn’t) you’re wrong.