hecklerspray went into mourning last week when we discovered that David Essex had left Eastenders. ?There was drinking, swearing, Michael Park wrote some terrible poetry and Mof Gimmers sang ‘Hold Me Close’ ?while crying over a really old copy of Smash Hits. ?It wasn’t pretty.
We couldn’t even mention the word ‘Soaps’ without one of the writers sobbing?uncontrollably, let alone write about them, so we had a break.
But with help from our friends, some spiritual guidance and a great big bag of drugs, we’re back and ready to spoil your viewing pleasure once again.
Eastenders first where Tanya starts her chemotherapy and is worried about losing her hair. She takes Lauren along for support?because?she’s family innit, but mainly because she has an abundance of fringe that can easily be fashioned into an attractive wig if necessary. She also meets a fellow patient called Siobhan, they quickly become friends and agree to text each other all day long. We hope this turns into some sort of sexting in the face of cancer storyline.
Remember Amira? ?Syed’s wife? That’s right the one he slept with before he revealed to everyone that he was gay, even though his boyband dance routine, backflips and general trouser arousal at the mere mention of Christian’s name seemed to go?unnoticed even at his own wedding. Well, she is back bitches! Not only is she back but she’s dragging around a baby called?Yasmin whom she reveals to be Syed’s daughter.
That’s right gentleman, proof that even doing it once with your eyes shut and a feeling of nausea can result in knocking up the opposite sex. Be warned.
Amira still hates Christian and when he tries to get a look at a picture of Yasmin, ?Amira sprays perfume in his eyes because as everyone knows, that’s the only way to stop a gay man looking at your photographs.
Zainab stops throwing pills down her neck long enough to work out that if Amira agrees to divorce Syed he’ll be free to marry Christian and start wearing man vests in public places. ?The thought of this is too much so she throws herself at Yusef from a great height and they kiss each other WITH THEIR MOUTHS. ?She then walks around, covered in shame and decides to piss off to Pakistan with him, hopefully getting set on fire again for being so stupid.
Elsewhere, Carol returns to find out that David Essex has left and gets upset like the rest of us. We miss him too.
Michael is still pulling the most extraordinary faces to hide the fact that no-one likes him and Shirley returns from her holiday and squirts perfume in Ben’s face when he tries to look at her holiday snaps. OR DOES SHE?!
No.
Next we’re running naked towards Coronation Street where the question on everyone’s lips is ‘Did that fella who plays Kevin Webster sexually assault that schoolgirl?’ ?We’re not going to make fun of this, considering the girl in question was only 6 at the time but we’re still going to bring it up.
Anyway, back to the street where Frank wins his appeal for bail and is now free to do scenes which don’t take place in a prison and Carla isn’t happy about this. Stella comes to visit her and tells her that she was also once raped and they forget that they hate each other for more than 5 seconds.
Frank being the grown up in all of this, gets his mummy to pick on Carla at the factory and then they laugh at her while she has a nervous breakdown.
Elsewhere, Sophie wants to go on holiday with Sian and her mum and Tracy reminds Steve that she’s pregnant with his child at least 87 times.
Finally we get dressed and carefully avoid steaming piles of horseshit on our away to Emmerdale, where the cunning plan to bring down the Kings is carried out. Cameron sabotages the CCTV and the trucks are all driven away by him, Charity and Cain. ?Then, the mere thought of truck stealing gets Cain and Charity so sexually excited they practically mount each other when alone.
However, after Charity finds out that Cain impregnated Amy she decides that he’s not?attractive?anymore and goes back to Jai but will he still want her after she’s been fake licking that dreadful man? Probably.
In other news, Lauren and Marlon kiss and we don’t care.
Until next week mofos.
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