It’s Monday! Do you know what this means?! That’s right, not only do you still smell like Jagerbombs and vomit from Saturday night but it’s also time to find out what’s coming up in Soapland!
Yes, as usual we skip along to Eastenders first where Michael has yet another cunning plan up his sleeve. Oh good. We’re not getting bored with this in the slightest.
OK, the deal is that Vanessa will get Eddie and his girlfriend Carol to break up on the day that Tyler is having his boxing match and will get pummeled. ?Which is Tuesday. YOU GOT THAT? ?TUESDAY!?Because? apparently Tuesday is the anniversary of his mother’s death and it would be brilliant if everything went tits up and Michael could get his long… drawn out… revenge… finally. ?However, Vanessa now realises that Eddie is David Essex and starts to fall in love with him and kisses him on the mouth while he promises to make her a star.
Elsewhere, Kat and Alfie fight over who’s sperm managed to penetrate her?leopard skin?knickers and Alfie Moon claims he’s sterile so it couldn’t have possibly been him what done it. Tests from the doctor prove otherwise but it’s too late as Kat loses the baby and decides she never wants to have any more. EVER.
Syed and Christian still want to get married so Syed decides to find Amira and get a divorce. When sneaky Doctor Yuesf gets wind of this, he stops testing Alfie Moon’s sperm count and decides he wants to double cross everyone in the entire world. Especially you.
Mandy comes back again armed with 3 super soakers and plays happy families with Ian and his sniveling child Bobby, soaking Janine in the process. Ian then announces that Mandy will be moving in with them and Janine rolls her eyes and probably buys some diamonds and kicks a dog made out of gold.
Next up, we slowly walk towards Coronation Street where Carla and Frank have their engagement party in the Rovers with Frank’s parents and enough booze to knock over a horse. Unfortunately for Stella, it’s not a horse that gets knocked over but her when Carla decides to get smashed and drive off in a huff. Right over Stella. Frank decides to take the blame as Stella is carted off and put on penis-shaped chocolate life support machine.
Norris is a hero as Leon has been sent back to jail and Fiz is delighted to hear this so she decides to stand up to that rascal Ruth. Meanwhile Tyrone actually manages to pull a girl. We find this hard to believe.
Tracey returns home with Amy and after doing some shouting about Steve it turns out she’s only gone and got knocked up by him AGAIN! He doesn’t know this yet.
Finally it’s time to wander aimlessly over to Emmerdale where Andy is worried about Sarah and not looking forward to moving to Spain, unlike Jacob and Alicia who have been sitting on their packed suitcases for weeks. He then tells them they’re not going.?Prick.
Amy is still pregnant with grubby Cain’s child and tells everyone to keep quiet or he’ll be really cross. Realising this she decides to have a termination from a terminator. Or a doctor as they’re sometimes called. ?However, she’s too far along in her?pregnancy?and the reality of pushing out Cain’s offspring from her lady parts all becomes too much. Even for us.
Until next week. We love you.
Kind of.
Not really.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!