We know that some all of our readers are unhinged enough to?believe that the Land of Soaps is actually a real place, filled with real people who face real problems every day and as we’re really quite?mischievous we’ll play along with this batshitcrazy idea.
Besides, we’ve got nothing else to do since Sophie Hall put her giant foot through our telly when Gary Barlow didn’t wear the gloves she knitted for him on X-Factor this week.
Off we go to Eastenders where Darren, once voted ‘Most unlikely to ever get laid’ by everyone with working eyes wakes up nestled in the fringe of Lauren who’s probably still drunk from the night before.
They decide it’s all been a terrible mistake as Darren is about to wed idiot Jodie who?unbeknownst to them has already caught them out. Darren then gets a?conscience written into his script and tells Fatboy everything and then Poppy finds out who tells Jodie that Darren has managed to sleep with someone else other her her and George Michael fan Heather. Of course Jodie already knows this but is determined to get married anyway because as we all know getting married in a soap means a great big dirty?story line?and an?inevitable?death/dance routine.
Darren decides that he cannot top Syed’s backflip and rather than get killed off in some freak accident involving Jodie’s curling tongs, he says his farewells and runs off the square?towards?panto season in Blackpool.
Tanya decides to shut Lauren up by telling her she has cancer and Lauren promises to keep it a secret while becoming?an expert on it by looking it up on google and?frowning?a lot.
Yusef continues to meddle and scheme, even though no-one is really interested anymore and drugs Zainab with his impressive collection of sleeping pills. He then put the bottle in her hand to make it look like she’s attempted suicide and again no one cares.
Especially us.
Michael has now become the best son in the world after being?hypnotised?by David Essex and helps out in the antiques?emporium, promising to keep Craig a secret from?everyone?until Tyler gets better. He warns Vanessa to stay away from his family which of course she doesn’t and attaches herself to Eddie with Velcro and nail glue.
Phil decides to perform his own special rendition of ?’So you want to be a boxer?’ from Bugsy Malone to a horrified Ben to try and toughen up his son. ?However this plan backfires because we all know that Ben loves a good musical which obviously means he’s gay now and kisses his sparring partner Duncan. WHO KISSES HIM RIGHT BACK! Go specky!
Next up it’s Coronation Street and yet another wedding where someone wants to get married to someone else who doesn’t. ?Carla finally admits this to Frank and tells him it’s?because she still fancies bloody Peter and this news is enough to make anyone violent with disbelief. ?When she’s found on the floor in tears by Maria, Carla tells her that Frank raped her and they all jog off to the Police station. Frank says he’s innocent, Carla says he isn’t and then everyone has a giant fight where Peter Barlow gets arrested for being too punchy in someone’s face.
Elsewhere, Dev is not happy when Sunita insists he must cancel his?ridiculously?expensive golf membership, Gary plays?matchmaker?for Owen and Anna where they both get soaked when he’s fiddling with her sink and the stopcock breaks. Not a?euphemism?unfortunately.
Finally we shimmy slowly towards Emmerdale where ?Amy decides to deal with her pregnancy by drinking lots of booze straight from the bottle in some bizarre attempt to bring on a miscarriage. When she starts getting stomach pains and is taken to hospital, she’s devastated to find out that her evil plan hasn’t worked and that she’s still pregnant with Cain’s child.
Jimmy and Nicola get it RIGHT ON in Declan’s bed and after they bore everyone by saying it was a one off, they inevitably decide they still love each other and quite like that manky thing they did with no clothes on.
Until next time you?perverts.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!