We don’t know about you but it’s been quite a week here at hecklerspray since we last gave you something to live for.
Our editor Mof, finally found out that fellow writer and massive Steps fan Michael Park is really his son after a one night stand with someone he thought was Kerry Katona but wasn’t. ?Not even close. Kris Silver was named and shamed in his local paper when he called a 70 year old librarian “a complete bastard” when she asked him to pay 70p in fines for a Jackie Collins novel he hadn’t even had time to read and finally Sophie Hall was arrested for going unreservedly?ape-shit after she’d spent 2 hours alone on a train to Flamigoland only to find out she was too small to get on any of the rides. Even the toddler ones.
Our lives are much more exciting than these soaps. But you don’t care do you? You just want to know about FAKE people. Fine then.
First up we have Eastenders where Roxy finally decides that Phil is a great big ball-bag and decides to sell her half of the club to Janine to spite him. ?However the real genius behind this storyline is that Janine is now a rich Pirate who owns a parrot called Frank and brings it to the club. ?IT’S TRUE!! Well, apart from the Pirate part. Phil?obviously?doesn’t like parrots and decides to let it escape. ?We hope it’s found and gets it’s own spin-off series.
Roxy probably doesn’t know about any of this as she’s too busy drunkenly snogging Tyler Moon in the Vic while the rest of us play guess the age difference.
It seems the Moon family are determined to shag the entire cast, with new ladies man Tyler asking out Poppy and finally giving her character a reason to be there and Daddy Moon (David Essex) decides to give Carol a ride on his ‘Silver Dream Machine’ after a big party to celebrate the launch of their really, really dull business.
Elsewhere, Christian and Syed tell that miserable family of stereotypes that they’re engaged and Masood goes in another strop about having a gay child or even worse ONE WHO IS MARRIED TO A GIRL WHO CARES ABOUT FOLDING NAPKINS!!!
The end is nigh for the dullest couple in soap history, Julie and Billy when Julie finally decides that Lola has rubbish hair and cannot stand living with her anymore. Well, that and the fact she’s a thieving delinquent. ?Julie then leaves Walford, meaning there’s now a space for another bloody member of the Moon family to join Eastenders. Just you watch.
Oh and somebody flirts with Ian Beale after he pretends his wife Jane is dead. ?Really?
On to Coronation Street where everyone is still at it; including Becky who sleeps with Nick at Gail’s house after Steve sleeps with Tracy and it’s all just a bit grubby isn’t it? ?Becky then comes?downstairs?for breakfast and the sight of her first thing makes everyone want to throw toast and jam at her pointy face. ?Steve then tries to make Becky jealous and invites someone called Beth to the Bistro where he gets flung out for still being in the same soap for 87 years.
Kylie decides that she actually does want Max after a heart to heart with Gail and goes to court with David for a hearing to decide Max’s future. They then take great delight in telling Becky they’re in with a shot of getting custody of Max.
Who the hell is Max?
Tommy decides to go out clubbing with Amber but also quite likes Tina and just as they’re about to face kiss each other Amber bursts in, probably kicking down the door Van Damme style , leaving Tommy to explain himself and his dirty ways.
We wish that would happen.
Finally, down at Emmerdale Layla is leaving!! ?The mentalist snatches Jacob and takes him into Leeds. LEEDS!!! THAT’S MINUTES AWAY!!! CALL THE POLICE!! ?When everyone catches up with Layla, they’re really cross and she even gets slapped by her sister Alicia before she heads off into the sunset. ?Is she sorry? Does she go alone? We dunno.
Sneaky Amy lies about her involvement in the robbery but Victoria suspects it’s all lies and that. Which it is. She then turns to Zak for advice about whether or not to confess.
But the award for worst babysitter of the week and possibly best storyline of the year goes to Emmerdale when Sandy falls asleep while babysitting for Samson and everyone arrives home to chaos and Sandy spark out with a painted on green moustache and beard.?HURRAH!!!
We write this because we love you.
Well, not you. We hate you.
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