Hello soap fans!! Missed us? No, we didn’t give you a second thought either but now that we’ve just about?recovered from Pat’s quick, yet annoyingly drawn out death, we’re back to spoil everything for you and tell you what’s going to happen this week. But first here’s a little catch up.
Did we mention that Pat was dead? Well she is. Her last moments were spent in bed with a soaking wet Michael French shouting “MUM!” 2cm from her face, weighed down by?monstrous?earrings,?desperately?clinging to a script that would never end while the country secretly wished that David Essex would appear from the wardrobe singing ‘Oh What a Circus.’
Sadly, not even fake son number 2 Nick Berry could be bothered to turn in the Vic and play ‘Every Loser Wins’ on the piano so off she popped and now we all have the funeral to look forward to (40 sodding minutes of funeral time on Friday viewers. You have been warned.)
Up to speed then? Good.
This week on Albert Square, David and Carol decide that they still love each other, much to the dismay of her evil brother Derek who is quite frankly the best?villain'to grace the?Square?since that dastardly Wilmot Brown fella in 1872.
He tells David that he’s still going to?continue?being a rotter regardless and David enlists the help of Michael ‘sometimes my smile is quite alarming’ Moon to get rid of Derek. However after a bungled stitch up, David decides to run away and asks Carol to go with him. But will she go? WE DON’T CARE.
Meanwhile Janine saves the day when she agrees to pay for Pat’s funeral, buy Pat’s house so that the most annoying family on television can rent it from her and even says something heartfelt at Pat’s funeral. We don’t like helpful Janine and we hope she gives birth to a demon who will raise Frank Butcher from the dead and slap some sense into her.
Lucy comes back for Pat’s?funeral?this week with a completely new face and no-one seems to notice. ?She then demands to know who Mandy is, decides she doesn’t like her and plots to get rid of her. We doubt it’ll be a LETS SET FIRE TO EVERYONE! storyline like Yusef had but we hope it involves some sort of murderous rage.
Lauren gets dumped by Tyler as he really loves astoundingly thick Whitney. She get pissed and threatens to jump out of her bedroom window but her fringe blocks her view and her parents realise it’s time to take action but probably won’t as good parenting is forbidden on Eastenders.
When Morgan questions his skin colour and asks who his father is, ?Bianca tells him it’s Barack Obama and someone on the'script-writing?team gets fired. ?Whitney then plays detective and tracks down Morgan’s father Ray who doesn’t know he has a son and a new, recurring character klaxon sounds somewhere in the distance.
Elsewhere, Bianca tells Ricky it’s over for the?millionth time, Tiffany is terrified that Pat is haunting the Butcher house (we hope this is true) and Pat’s coffin gets dragged outside to the tune of ‘Sweet Caroline’ which is just plain weird.
Oh, and the other soaps just don’t matter. Apart from Brendan Brady in Hollyoaks who is the best thing the world has ever seen.