This week we’re dedicating the entire spoilers section to Eastenders! Why? We have no idea but there’s so much going on we literally wet our pants writing this.
First up on Albert?Square, the next story line destined to drag out for at least 17 years continues with Amira using her daughter Yasmin to manipulate ex husband Syed for reasons still unknown to everyone, even the writers.
Ben spots them playing happy families in the park and tells Christian who takes off his white vest and thinks Ben is a specky liar but doesn’t tell him that because he’s too busy frowning and flexing in his direction. A sexually frustrated ?Ben then asks hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri to help him out by opening a cafe, where Syed and Amira will rendezvous, allowing Christian to catch them at it. ?Hoping this will speed up this stupid plot, she readily agrees.
When Roxy finds out about Syed and Amira she marches Christian to Joanna’s cafe and as if by magic he catches Syed and Amira together. Everyone argues, shouts and kick each other under the table, except baby Yasmin who’s the only grown up in this whole sorry mess.
Zainab returns from Pakistan to discover she’s a granny, much to Yusef’s dismay as he’s still hoping to kill her with sleeping pills and pointy faced glaring but now some dastardly child is going to ruin his plans, so he decides to tell Christian that Yasmin may not be Syed’s daughter. Noticing that the baby has not yet launched herself from her buggy and backflipped across Albert Square, Christian thinks this may be true and gives Yusef one of Syed’s?hairs to do a DNA test.
Sigh.
Elsewhere, Lauren has started pinning her fringe back which is a huge, HUGE mistake as she now can’t use the ‘my hair was in my eyes’ excuse for sleeping with Tyler but more importantly, we can’t make fun of it. Whitney finds out and goes mental at Tyler, who reminds her that she’s with the world’s worst DJ, Fatboy now and we’re reminded that this is the most pitiful romance in history.
Lola makes a joke about Ben being gay and Ben is so shocked by this completely true allegation, he decides he’ll sleep with her to shut her up. ?Afterwards Ben realises that he hates vaginas even more than ever and tells Lola that he’s definitely gay which is just what any girl wants to hear after sex.
The brilliant Janine is a year older than she was last year and decides she’ll have something called a birthday but no-one cares. She stomps around all day, ?kicking stray dogs and plotting everyone’s demise but then Michael, knowing that even evil girls like twinkly fairy lights, saves the day by throwing a surprise birthday dinner, complete with lights, champagne and self esteem destroying sex for desert and making that smiley face that terrifies everyone to their very soul.
Norman convinces Pat to sign over her house to him, to raise some cash to help Nick Berry in New Zealand and then moves in with her and her massive earring collection.
This week however, there is a scene that make make viewers feel utterly distressed and we hope that the BBC gives out one of their helpline numbers at the end of the episode. Something so traumatic we feel it’s only fair to put it in capitals to make sure you understand how grim it is. ?This week, you will witness PAT BUTCHER AND THAT NORMAN FELLA KISSING WITH THEIR DUSTY OLD MOUTHS!
We’d advise you not to look directly at it. We did and the hecklerspray bedsit resembled the end scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Harrowing.
Until next week losers!
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