Gosh, can you believe it’s been a whole week since we last?vomited?Soap news into your laps? ?Well it has. Deal with it. We’re glad you didn’t bother washing those trousers as here it comes again you miserable lot!
In Eastenders this week Masood tells Zainab he wants a divorce?because?that’s what you do when your wife tries to kill herself isn’t it? Not according to Tanwar who tells his father what a big swine he is and demands he stay married to the stress monkey because Allah says so. Meanwhile Zainab can’t remember a bloody thing but is still determined to make food for everyone on an hourly basis and tell everyone who’ll listen that Masood is her husband.
We know, shurrupalready.
Yusef is clearly annoyed that this storyline hasn’t required him to make any facial?movements?for 17 years now and we think he might be cheesed off about this but, as he remains emotionally paralysed, we’re just not sure.
Never mind all that though, because Ben is liking this whole kissing boys lark and he steals another smooch from Duncan but they are seen by Patrick who, for once, isn’t destroyed on rum and singing into his hat [euphemism for puking alert, Ed]. ?Fearing Patrick will tell Phil, Ben goes and throws a brick through the B&B window and it all goes to hell in a handbag with a showdown in the Minute Mart.
Of course, this sees Phil being branded a racist and then Duncan only goes and dumps Ben. AWWWWW! HAHHAHA!
And while all this palaver is going on, Vanessa is still stomping around even though she’s got bugger all to do now, so Michael offers her cash to stay away from his family and leave Walford for good. ?She refuses at first, telling him that she really quite fancies David Essex and is hanging on in case he decides to go back to singing.
Then she runs out of fake tan and is forced to take Michael’s money… but will she actually go? Will Eddie ever break into a quick rendition of ‘Hold Me Close?’
WE JUST DON’T KNOW.
Elsewhere on Easties, Tyler returns home with his head still attached to his shoulders and manages to kiss Whitney but then Michael tells him that she used to be a prostitute and he quickly wishes that those bloody doctors hadn’t bothered to save him while Ian gets a piece of paper with words on it, telling him that Jane still hates him and is no longer his wife.
We’d forgotten about Jane. Hopefully she’ll turn up and finally tell everyone that she’s a?Glaswegian.
Moving swiftly along, it’s Coronation Street‘s turn next where Leanne is asking, nay DEMANDING answers from Frank over the rape. But will she get the truth? What is the truth? Anyone? Carla goes back to work and then she doesn’t because it’s all too much, knowing the truth and all that and goes to see Doctor Carter but WILL SHE TELL HIM THE TRUTH? Carla then?decides to end it all, because of the truth.
Enough!! WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
Also on the cobbles, Bill Webster has a heart attack which no-one cares about, Sally and Kevin kiss each other on the mouth with all the crashing predictability you’d expect from two of the most one-dimensional humans in soapsville and Dev enters Aadi into a golf competition.
So there.
Finally, it’s over to Emmerdale where Lisa tells Val that she doesn’t want Belle hanging around with Amy anymore for reasons we couldn’t be bothered finding out but then Belle helps Amy sneak off to meet David, leaving her thinking that David is the baby’s daddy and not that no good Cain fellow.
Aaron takes his shirt off much to the delight of the female hecklerspray staff (and also Matthew Laidlow if he’s honest), and shows Chas his chest. ?We then discover it’s?because?he’s been self harming and feel a bit wrong about our naked cheering.
YOWZAH!
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