Despite spending most of the week choosing fancy pants to wear to the Cosmo Blog Awards, fighting over who gets to shave that evening with the communal razor and ?getting really, really drunk with happiness, we’ve still had time to hold Soap writers hostage in our bedsit and demand they tell us what’s happening in Soapsville this week or we’d show them Matthew Laidlow’s?bed sheets.
They quickly told us everything.
EVERYTHING.
Eastenders first this week where Amira realises that she’ll be able to drag out her storyline for at least a month if she keeps refusing to let Syed have contact with Yasmin, so she holds up the baby like a newborn Simba in front of Syed every so often, manically singing ‘The Cirrccrcle of Liiiiife‘ ?before putting Yasmin back ?in her handbag, next to her perfumed mace she’s prepared for?Christian.
Syed, unaware the the Eastenders writers have already written him twice a week contact with his daughter, reasonable child support payments and a short break at Butlins, starts sneaking around to try and get some time with Yasmin, even lying to his very, very buff boyfriend which we find utterly?loathsome and ridiculous.
Elsewhere, in a planet called ‘Notverybloodylikelyisit?‘, Ian Beale proposes to stripper Mandy Salter after she wrecks the car he’d rented to try and impress her. ?Really? Will she say yes or will she just climb on her pole and spin round at such an alarming rate causing time and space fold in on itself, ?taking us back to 1993 when she was loved up with Sean Maguire and taking enough drugs to knock over a horse.
That was at least believable.
It’s good news for Fatboy when he finally gets to sniff Whitney up close as the pair decide they’d make a really brilliant couple. We predict a domestic violence storyline when Whitney remembers that time Fatboy tried to sing in church and attempts to strangle him with her scrunchie.
Finally, Pat gets some bad news from Simon in New Zealand, probably telling her that she’s about to be killed off and grabs her chest in a non sexual way in front of Norman. OH JUST DIE WILL YOU???
Next, it’s time for Coronation Street where Frank leaves Carla no choice but to sack some of the useless and/or overweight members of staff when he takes half her stock and sewing machines. ?Yeah, we couldn’t believe it either. Sally is one of the first to go and complains for about 3 seconds before Frank offers her the job of sewing machine supervisor and she shuts up.
She also tells estranged husband Kevin that he’s no longer welcome in the house and the words ‘life imitating art’ are mumbled all over the country by people who consider Coronation Street to be ‘art’ instead of ‘horrific’.
Rosie decides that she’ll split up Sally and Jeff by coming on to him and it works when Sally finds them in a?compromising? position, but Sophie grasses her up and her mum is shocked. ?Then she remembers she’s the evil leader of sewing machines and doesn’t care anymore.
We’d forgotten about Fiz but apparently she’s still in prison for being ginger and finally, Eileen lies under Paul for several minutes and then tells Paul’s wife Lesley about their uninteresting and unlikely?liaison. ?However, Lesley seems confused rather than angry and we can totally understand this reaction.
Finally we dig out the baby oil and glance?seductively?at Hollyoaks, where Riley is marrying his Mercedes, blissfully unaware that his car is cheating on him with Carl and is?pregnant. Amy wants to take the kids to New York with her and Lee but Ste is having none of it – “NO!” he says.
But then he?changes?his mind – ?”OK!” he says.
Hard hitting.
We can also reveal that Ash has some sexy time with someone very unlikely, but we’d already slid off the couch before we found out who it was.
Sorry.
You’re welcome!! Now beat it.
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