?(1 Timothy 2:1-4 ) First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Sounds about right. Why else do you think thousands upon thousands of people line up in supplication every year to perform in front of your God and Saviour, Simon Cowell? What else is the X-Factor, or Britain or America’s Got Talent, if not a way to please the sight of God our Saviour?
The man has managed to present himself as the conquerer of all and the benevolent God (who sometimes takes a wrathful Old Testament detour if you’re really unable to sing. Don’t believe me that Simon Cowell is our new deity? Take a look at the evidence:
God is a benevolent God, who saves lives
That’s right. Simon Cowell has saved lives, and chosen to spare those on whom he looks kindly. While yachting off St. Tropez with ex-girlfriend/human tree Sinitta (see above), Our Lord and Saviour overheard a distress signal on his giant boat’s radio. We’ll let Sinitta take up the rest of the story, via Twitter (these trees are becoming very tech-literate these days):
OMG!! Just had a May Day message , 35ft boat sinking.. SC has sent us to help and rescue 9 people on board! Slipstream look alike boat. Everyone ok, noone hurt.captain won’t let boat sink, petrol in sea etc would cause major problems and fines. No tide, so hole plugged.
Our God is more famous than the other God of the Bible
This might be hard to believe, but it’s true – and horrifying. A 2009 survey found that amongst under-10s Simon Cowell was the most famous person in the world. More famous than Fireman Sam. More famous than The Queen. More famous than God himself.
There was no official comment from his Royal Holiness Sir Simon of Cowell, Maker of All Things on the news that he was in fact bigger than Jesus (and Jesus’ DAD) but we’re willing to bet he smiled sweetly and blessed his minions, calling off the plague of locusts.
His co-workers call him God
Amanda Holden isn’t really the world’s foremost expert on anything other than how to have a successful career while being mediocre at pretty much everything, but the sad fact of life is that people look up to her and respect her judgment. Think of her as the Mary Magdalene in this torrid, sordid situation.
So when she calls him God, people (sadly) listen. Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth. And finally…
Simon Cowell is a god for creating One Direction
Who am I to doubt 532 pre-pubsecent braying girls who love mop-topped boyband One Direction? I mean pleaase! I know not to interrupt the karmic order. My God is a vengeful God. He’ll put me on television, ask me to sing, then tell me that I’m not very good and should stick to my work plucking chickens.