There are two types of people in this country – people who like X Factor and people who like Strictly Come Dancing.
Wait, no. Sorry. There are actually three types of people in this country – people who like X Factor, people who like Strictly Come Dancing and people who aren’t gormless, backwards, cross-eyed, clapalong, dribbling, remedial Saturday night bellends. Three types. Sorry.
Anyway, some people have lives so colossally empty that they actually like X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing, and they’re bound to be upset by the news that both shows will air at the same time this year. Simon Cowell is upset about it too, but we get the feeling that’s mainly because he knows that if the audience is split then his plan to blind everyone in the country with the agonising glare from his ridiculous granny teeth will end in tragic failure.
So that’s it, then. Summer’s over. It’s all downhill to Christmas now. From now on our weekends will be dominated by hour after insulting hour of dumbly lowest common-denominator talent shows full of crying and pointless explosion noises and toe-curlingly scripted feuds by judges who look as if they’ve never had an original thought in their entire lives. And, whether you choose to take this nonsense in its X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing form, chances are you will end up being sucked in. Because your lives really are that desolate.
But the sole nugget of joy you should take from this is that you can’t watch both. Thanks to some mercifully competitive scheduling, Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor will be shown at the same time this year, which means you’ll be spared at least half of the agony. It’s joyous news. People should be dancing in the street out of sheer gratitude that they can no longer watch both Bruno Tonioli and Cheryl Cole spout the same mindless cack on the telly in the same evening.
But tell that to Simon Cowell. He’s got his knickers in an almighty twist about it, and wants Strictly Come Dancing to relent and get out of X Factor‘s way. God knows why. The Sun reports:
He said: “I’d suggest they show Strictly a bit earlier in the afternoon because their audience is older. I’m serious. Then they can have a nap if it finishes at six and watch X Factor later. We don’t pay the licence fee for people to play games with ratings. It is childish and pathetic. We gave the BBC a choice last year about different time slots but they have this obsession with competing with us.”
But despite these protests, it’s too late to go back now. Viewers will have to choose – it’s either X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing. Or, you know, cyanide. Cyanide’s always good.
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