It's a fact that British sportsmen deliberately lose any event where they have to represent their country because the British national anthem is so rubbish that they'd rather live the rest of their life as abject failures than hear God Save The Queen one more effing time.

Everything is wrong with our national anthem – it's embarrassingly slow, it's bloated and pompous, the sixth verse is all about beating up Scottish people and it's about God and the Queen instead of a country. God Save The Queen is a rubbish national anthem. Gold by Spandau Ballet, on the other hand, would be a brilliant national anthem; it's perky, anthemic and inspiring – and we'd win more football matches if Leslie Garrett belted out "you're indestructaboooahwoooah" before kick-off. That's a fact.

Gold by Spandau Ballet isn't the only song we'd like instated as the British national anthem – there's also The Alphabet Business Concern (Home Of Fadeless Splendour) by The Cardiacs, the theme-tune to Rolf's Animal Hospital and Straight Outta Compton – but it is the only one with an actual petition on the Prime Minister's website.

So far almost 6,000 people – including hecklerspray – have signed the online petition to replace the national anthem with Gold by Spandau Ballet. A few more signatures and the national anthem would have to be changed forever. Or Tony Blair would have to email everyone like he did with the road charge petition last month. Or – at the very least – someone from Downing Street will have to delete the petition while muttering something about "bloody students." And wouldn't that be a result.

Sign the Gold National Anthem now