When speaking about childhood fears, many people mention the ominous ?boogie man?; or some other strange child-eating monster. This scaredy cattery is exacerbated by the ubiquity of masked bastards from horror movies. Some kids, on the other hand, fear real people like Carrot Top or that old woman who looks like a cat.
I fall into the latter category. However, mine is something of an unconventional choice; which makes it all the more terrifying. I don't even want to type the name, in case the person finds out and humiliates/murders me. I guess I have to though ?
Sharon Osbourne scares the shit out of me.
You're probably wondering why Sharon Osbourne ? the lovable and foul-mouthed matriarch from The Osbournes and star of The Talk ? scares me more than her bat-loving, tinted glasses-wearing husband? To tell you the truth, I don't know. Maybe I was molested by someone who looks like her as a child; and I've yet to fully recover the traumatic memories. What I do know is that when I hear her voice, I sweat more than Honey Boo Boo?s mom on a vaguely warm day*.
In an effort to make myself seem less crazy, I conducted some research and discovered that my fear isn't completely irrational. Sharon isn't as stable as she wants us to believe; and the fa?ade slips from time to time. Take this little gem, for example. In 2008, Osbourne was the ?Headmistress? on the show Charm School, a subtle rip-off of Bad Girls Club. When it came to the reunion show, Sharon decided to air her grievances with one of the contestants by beating the shit out of her. Watch it here:
The fact that she so easily jumped on this methed-up stripper makes me think that Shazza isn't completely in control of her mental faculties. Water-throwing is something of a staple of hers, having already thrown a glass over her gay Louis Walsh on The X Factor UK.
Signs of Sharon?s madness were also seen more recently, as a co-host on The Talk. If you don't know about The Talk, it's basically The View, but less political. It tends to focus more on the important things in life; like cosmetic surgery and people named Kardashian. Anyway, during the show?s first season, Sharon got into trouble for laughing while discussing genital mutilation. While covering a story about a woman who cut off her husband?s dick, Sharon couldn't stop laughing.
I don't know what to think of that. Why was she laughing? Had she herself taken part in some duck slicing before? Probably. Even the next day, when she was supposed to be apologising for her actions, she couldn't fucking stop herself from laughing. That, ladies and gentlemen (well, ladies and homosexual gentlemen), is the true mark of a psychopath. That, and an impressive collection of human skin.
Whatever the reason for my Sharon Osbourne fear, it's clear that it's not going to go away. It's also clear to me that people seem to love themselves a bit of Sharon, so she's not going to go away either. The only solution here is to avoid coming across her on television. So, I won't be tuning in to The Talk. I won't watch MTV, for fear of seeing an old episode of The Osbournes. And I certainly won't be watching one of those Worst Plastic Surgery shows on E!, because our girl will definitely appear at some point.
*For those of you who aren't fans of the masterpiece that is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, that amounts to a fair amount of sweat.