On the whole, pensioners aren't sexy at all – unless you count rubber underwear, complaining about immigrants and getting pneumonia every winter as sexy. Which we do, but that's beside the point.
But there's always someone around who wants to buck the trend, and that someone is Sean Connery. Sean Connery has just been voted the sexiest pensioner in the country, along with Helen Mirren. That's great – it's good to see that older citizens can still retain their smouldering charisma – but would you like to watch a Sean Connery/Helen Mirren online sex tape? Bleaugh! Put it away, Grandpa!
The majority of people have a list of ideal sexy characteristics they look for in a man. Those characteristics tend to include male pattern baldness (covered by a succession of wigs, if possible), a tumour-covered kidney, a reputation for being an uptight employee and neighbour and an alleged fondness for wife-beating. And that's why a bunch of British people have voted Sean Connery the sexiest pensioner in the UK in a survey for Virgin Money.
We're not entirely sure why the survey even took place, to be honest – instead of making pensioners feel better about their physical appearance, being compared to a millionaire film star with a cushy life in the Bahamas can't do much for the self-esteem of your average staggering, high-trousered, shoplifting, incontinent, forgetful pensioner. But whatever the reason, Sean Connery is the sexiest old man, followed by Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins and Michael Caine.
As for the laydeeez, Helen Mirren was voted the sexiest female pensioner – although we're convinced it's got more to go with her getting her lady-bazzers out in a million films when she was younger than what she does now – followed by Honor Blackman, Diana Rigg, Julie Christie, Joan Collins and no other women.
But you don't care about sexy old people, do you? You read hecklerspray, and – as such – you care far more about desperately unsexy old people. Relax, the survey has that covered, too. Here's the needlessly cruel rundown of the least sexy pensioners in the country, in reverse order…
Female
3 – Barbara Knox (Frightening red-haired Rita Sullivan from Coronation Street)
2 – Esther Rantzen (Giant-toothed child abuse woman)
1 – Baroness Thatcher (Frightening red-haired former Prime Minister)
Male
3 – Jimmy Saville (Yodelling, tracksuited, marathon-running friend to children from the whole country)
2 – John McCririck (Weird-hatted, fizzy drink-loving rightwing horse-shouter)
1 – David Frost (A man so unsexy that his nose keeps bleeding on live TV)
So, a Baroness Thatcher/David Frost sex tape? Now you're talking!
Read more:
Connery Is 'Sexiest Pensioner' – This Is London
[story by Stuart Heritage]