What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.
Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.
Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn't return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day?s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.
Of course we could?ve done that all by ourselves, just on the way home from work, but this time it's because we've been testing out the new Dizzy game from the people who made him semi-popular back in the ’80s and ’90s, Codemasters.
Out for iOS, which we don’t need to tell you is what runs on iPhone, the game is a rehash of the 1991 title where you traverse the magical land where eggs can walk, jump, and generally be as philanthropic as you can be, although with spanking new titles that, allegedly, are high definition. Although moving from the pixellated mess of yesteryear is going to be an improvement under any comparison. Look at Steps. They were shit back then, but they're shitter now because they're ten years older and still giant assmunchers.
However valiant an effort that Codemasters has put in, it has the same effect as pulling out before spluffing your splaff all up in her bloof.
It's good, but gaming has moved on immeasurably in the past 18 years and Dizzy hasn't kept up. The same dodgy controls (weighed down by the failure that is touch screen movement controls) mean that precise jumping you needed back in the 90s is still a problem, and the simplistic ?Pick something up, take it to someone, use it on that someone? is still repetitive and, at times, annoying.
Even though the level is very short, you\’ll find yourself wandering around aimlessly for hours before giving up, throwing your iPhone on the ground and thinking how awesome it would be if a few letters of the alphabet didn't exist.
Give Dizzy a wide berth if you want a game that gives some sort of immediate payback. Because, by the time that you do get some payback, you've lost interest so much that you don't care anymore and realise there's pots of tea to be made and pictures of Jesy from Little Mix to photoshop into hilarious situations.
Shame.