Right, everyone needs to calm down. Get a nice sweet tea, run yourself a hot bath, sprinkle rose petals around the house. Allow your clothes to slide gently from your body, and dab sprinkles of baby oil onto your thighs. That's it.?Mmm, feel?the soft breeze leaping and dancing around your underpants.
Now?put on that Best of Alexander O?Neal compilation that was specifically designed to soothe you. And relax. Relaxed??Then?listen carefully – there isn't an Oscar curse. That's right. Shhhhh?
Yes, it's true that Sandra Bullock?s wholesome life partner MIGHT have spent a few long evenings smearing his podgy sausage hands all over a woman with tatts on her bosoms, but this could have been going on for AGES. Even during Sandra?s period in the desert when she was just another non-Oscar winner. A nobody.
As for the others ? Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, the one who was a boy in that film about being confused ? they were all probably just terrible wives.
Now wake the hell up, because here?s something really uplifting! It's a handful of beautiful thespians who still have husbands/lesbian partners, despite winning an Oscar! See? There's no hex! You're so SWEET with your silly craziness.
Helen Mirren
Helen Mirren has been married since 1997, and she's still married, even though she won an Oscar for pretending to be the Queen. Ahh, she was great in that film, she really caught the Queen?s hilarious mannerisms. Great performance. Just wonderful. Really really wonderful. Look, we?ll be honest, we haven't seen The Queen, alright.
Frances McDormand
Despite having her marriage to Joel Coen (of Coen Brothers fame) severely tested when Frances McDormand won the Best Actress Oscar for her role as the police officer in Fargo, the pair managed to come through it all unscathed. So much so that they have a little boy called Pedro Coen.
Jodie Foster
Jodie Foster has won a couple of Oscars, and no one seems to be going on about how she was then forced to somehow navigate a bitter divorce from her husband. Granted, this might be because Jodie Foster is a lesbian. But still.
Meryl Streep
If any woman?s name is synonymous with the Best Actress Oscar, it's Meryl Streep?s. She's been nominated 53 times. And yet, in all that time, she has continued to enjoy a wonderful sexual union/marriage with a sculptor called Don Gummer. Even when she actually won one, in the early 1980s, the pair somehow managed to not get divorced.
Jessica Tandy
For those who can't quite remember, Jessica was the cabbage-faced star of Driving Miss Daisy ? the tale of an old biddy learning all about racism from Morgan Freeman. It won her an Oscar, which she somehow managed to accept, without then quietly informing her husband of fifty years that, actually, it's over. The pair continued to be married right up until she died.
This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. Woo.
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