Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz have got married! Isn’t that adorable? As you know, we’ve been rooting for these guys for pretty much forever. And finally, after what has felt like ‘a very long time’ – the pair secretly got married in New York State last night, with only four very close family members as witnesses. AW GUYS! One slight problem.
SINCE WHEN HAVE RACHEL WEISZ AND DANIEL CRAIG SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LET ALONE FALLEN IN LOVE AND HAD ‘ROMANTIC RELATIONS’? (Sex.)
Not even pinnacles of celebrity journalism nosy parkers Daily Mail got wind of an engagement of any sort, although they did mention that ‘they saw Daniel and Rachel holding hands once’. Blush.
So, now that we all do know about it – we can get about six months worth of judgement of their relationship out the way now.
Okay? Do Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig make a good celebrity couple?
Here are a couple of pointers to properly deduce that.
PORTMANTEAU AVAILABILITY
3/10
Brangelina sounds so amazingly twattish, that it remains the top benchmark for any celebrity couple headline, followed closely by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ of ‘Bennifer’ fame. Brownie points go to Paris Hilton for blowing everybody’s minds by actually going out with someone called Paris for a while, and it being TRUE LOVE all at the same time.
As far as Rachel and Daniel go, there is no legitimate pun that properly meshes their names, which as we know – is the measure for true, uncharted love. Even Victoria Beckham’s adoration for her bobbed haircut, ‘The Pob’ managed to ruthlessly burn away any memory of an demented ’80s childhood puppet. Bitch.
Basically, Daniel and Rachel’s first names make ‘Rachel’, so it’s a gradual descent from here on in. ‘Craiz’ is the best one we’ve managed to muster so far. And it’s lousy. Someone email it to the 3am Girls just in case though. In terms of films the pair have both starred in, there is not much luck there either.
ABOUT A (WEDDING) JOY! THE NAME’S MARRIED! JAMES MARRIED RACHEL WEISZ, THAT IS!
LORD ASRIEL MEETS HIS SAPHIRA (From that film Eragon)
Hopeless.
ATTRACTIVENESS RATIO
7/10
Depends if you fancy boys or girls, really. But if you can properly adopt the Antony Costa Rules of Love for this situation, (ie: ANYBODY WILL DO) you can begin to appreciate that Daniel is only really attractive in that sort of ripped ‘shame about the face’ kind of way.
We’ve seen what Rachel Weisz would look like if she had cancer, and being mounted by Hugh Jackman in a bath, and we’d still tap that. (A heterosexual woman is writing this article.)
Also, when you look like an ugly version of your own ugly lookalike, that definitely puts things into perspective.
IN COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS
DANIEL – 2/10
RACHEL – 8/10
This one is pretty straight forward. Both of the parties were married with children for long periods of time prior to their current relationship. Daniel Craig was with a film producer Satsuki Mitchell for a long time, and she seems quite lovely from photos. This is based on a flowery dress, and not much else.
Rachel of course was famously married to Darren Aronofksy for 8 years, which was one of those awesome director/actor relationships which always ended in *wavy hand* movies when they actually worked together. Such as Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet’s Revolutionary Road, and Rachel and Darren’s The Fountain. Both enjoyable films, but its probably fair to say that ultimately, we still enjoyed Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale’s Underworld movies more.
Okay, that’s a lie.
Although –
No, it was a lie.
PROBABILITY THAT THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER
2/10.
Congratulations Daniel and Rachel!
This post was written by Sophie Hall who is a master of magic, spells and illusion. Enemies grumble with fear and confusion.
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