The VMA?s were announced recently and they weren't very good, so MTV promptly arranged for the news to continue playing its greatest hits. While the world continues to spiral out of control, as we get ever nearer to the day of reckoning, we thought we would burn your eyes with some terrible videos that MTV didn't think it right to recognise.
But what would they know? They don't even play music videos and we do, so listen to us and be rewarded with luxuriously attractive eye candy.
This week we tackle Hip-Hop, Punk, Indie, and Indie because we know how much you hate yourself.
First up it's Cerebral Ballzy who offer neither of what they promise in their name. While they attempt to inject some sort of aggression from their nether regions, they don't even pretend to use their heads. Is this punk? It's hard to tell, but we imagine this is what The Sex Pistols would sound like if they had a comeback now.
This isn't a bad song [if it sounds like the Sex Pistols, it is – Ed] it's just of absolutely no value to anybody – not even fans of Cerebral Ballzy. The song in question is ?Cutting Class? from their debut album and, potentially you could interpret it as a quiet rant about the class system which is still so inherent within our society… or you could watch the video and realise it's just a snot-nosed little rat moaning about school by repetitively telling us he's cutting class.
Ground-breaking stuff brought to us by a child who looks like he has a hippo stuck on his face; it really isn't helping his situation that he sticks his face so far into the camera you could trim his nose hair for him. If he tried any harder to be Sid Vicious he'd end up stabbing himself.
See the death of punk rock here
If there was ever an argument that smoking wasn?t cool then Tom Vek just ruined it with the video for ?Aroused?. It really wouldn't matter if nicotine was addictive or not because you would all keep buying them in the hope that your miserable and ugly bodies could one day be transformed into this.
The man knows what music videos need and he has filled his with exactly that; hot people. They might not all be conventionally attractive, but then Tom Vek isn't conventionally cool and here he is with easily one of the most satisfying videos of the year so far. Give the man a VMA already. The formula for success which Tom has so incredibly cottoned on to is simplicity. He reflects his topic without printing the words on the screen. A nice monotone video of attractive people starts off polite and gets slightly more unhinged as everybody gets slightly more aroused. And while having smoke blown in your face might make you throw up and slap the smoker in real life, on video, it's sublime.
Click here to see the first pro-smoking campaign ever.
The next could learn a few things from Mr. Vek. We thought we liked them for a split second a few years ago, but then we realised they just bored us into submission; yes readers The Subways are back. The lead single ?It's A Party? from their new album Money and Celebrity, neither of which they have, is anything but a party and breaks the cardinal rules of party songs.
First of all Bobby, nobody knows who the other members are or indeed cares. Don't be telling us how awesome your own party is, because it makes you sound like a dick. Secondly, never mention sweat, especially in the context of ?it don't get much sweatier? because it really is nauseating. Thirdly, don't write a party song when nobody likes your stupid band. For their video they tried to give a sense of this ?party? attitude with a tour mash-up; they even leave in some crowd sounds to show how much fun everyone had. If you start to feel tired quickly press pause and watch the Tom Vek video again.
How is it that music videos where people just walk down streets, not like The Verve, being mean to passers-by are always good?
we're not sure, but we?d like to leave our dingy little bedsit and start some shit with the fuzz one day. Until we work up the nerve, a man who looks like a less baby-faced version of Akon is doing it with Tyler, The Creator; his name is Pusha-T and you might know him as part of the Hip-Hop posse (duo) Clipse.
On this new track ?Trouble On My Mind? the guys get their troubles off their minds by egging two guys who don't understand that moving would end their humiliation. They also watch some girls make out for no apparent reason in-front of their car, wearing ski-masks, and taking up the entire road on vehicles not meant for it.
Clearly these men are stuck in a state of rebellion, or that's just how it is in America in times of national debt; you got to get your enjoyment somewhere.
Be forever young and ridiculous right here.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!