After a massive two week hiatus from informing you about the ever ridiculous world of moving musical pictures we thought we?d make a slamming come back with a hard hitting new story on the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards, known to you acronym friendly internet users as the VMAs.
A weekend of vodka and bacon sandwiches has however taken its toll and we can't confirm or deny that we informed you about the nominees, but obviously the usual suspects are to blame for hate crimes against your eyes; Bruno Mars and Katy Perry being some of the main perpetrators of the attacks that took place.
If you're familiar with awards ceremonies then you will be aware that this doesn't quite make the grade, if you're a conspiracy nut and want some proof then we direct you to the category of ?Best Video with a Message? where everybody is a winner in their own hearts; which is good because they are all utter rejects in reality. You have nothing to learn from a hick like Taylor Swift. Hilary Duff already taught us about why saying ?gay? is bad and that was empowering enough, but an entire category makes our faces sag.
After the whole Kanye debacle of 2010, nothing of note happened this year and it was actually all about the music or something. Jonah Hill hosted the event dressed as the skinny version of himself; shame that when he lost the weight he lost his personality.
Adele turned up as her grandmother, Lady ?fast running out of quirky things to do now? Gaga turned up as her male alter-ego Jo Calderone, Beyonce touched her stomach indicating pregnancy, Jay-Z shat himself, and Bruno Mars sang a song by once popular band The Zutons as a tribute to Amy Winehouse. Along the way a bunch of people you no longer care about (hey Jojo!) turned up wearing clothes by somebody you've never heard of and had a really rubbish evening.
Being the on-the-ball-publication that we are, many of the exquisite videos featured have already been on these pages/used in our senseless persecution of Adele (who won nothing – ha).
Tyler, The Creator?s simple and sophisticatedly grim video for ?Yonkers? though did deservedly win the Best New Artist category forcing some rappers and some very, very white people to go home with a little less dignity; poor Kreayshawn, she already had so little.
Bruno Mars didn't win anything! Tragedy is a foot in the house of Cthullu. His hit single ?Grenade? was nominated and he lost out at every occasion. Let's just all stop a second and take a look a Bruno Mars and his music video. What a defeatist attitude that guy has, huh?
He pushes a piano all that way, past homeless men and cars, then when he gets to this woman?s house and sees that lovely man she's kissing he just turn that piano right back round. Not even a tinkle; honestly. As well as being the worst video ever made, it's also impractical – manual labour in that suit and those shoes? Who?s he kidding? We’d like to see that piano attack him with all its might.
Now don't believe the hype, but as winner of Best Pop Video, Britney Spears is well and truly back at her Pepsi flogging best. She looks healthy and happy and when Britney?s happy, we're happy. In her award winning video for ?Till The World Ends? she throws so many shapes you won't know what's hit you. It's an apocalyptic society that seems to consist only of excellent and attractive dancers, so while you might be dead if this were to actually happen, you can at least get some visceral enjoyment for the four minutes prior to the impending doom of civilisation. Dressed in an array of leather and lycra if Britney tells you to dance until the world ends you bloody well do it.
Eurghlsewhere, Katy Perry won some things for the abysmal ?Fireworks?, but we won't make you watch that; it's too harrowing at any time of day. The damn noise makers already scar numerous children every year we don't want to be responsible for inflicting extra pain on you, just remember it's a tough time of year for that type of thing. Gaga also won Best Female Video for ?Born This Way? but we don't doubt you've already seen what was an ?event? earlier this year, however, we have not and intend to keep it this way, congratulations Jo we send our best man hugs in your direction.
Post-haircut, pre-pubescent Justin Bieber can be seen tormenting girls, stairs, and a piano in his video, sorry film, for ?U Smile? which won Best Male Video of the night. The arty video that flits between colour and black and white features Justin taking a girl on a date to an empty auditorium where he then chases her over the chairs like a murderer.
Clearly more people were granted some sort of recognition for these crimes of passion, but we aren't telling you about them so move on with your lives. If you care so much as to watch the ceremony then VIVA will be ramming it down your stupid box for the next eight months in-between programmes about brand Kardashian and Rihanna videos. We?ll see you there.
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