Michael Jackson, Jodie Marsh, Conrad Murray, economic downturn, Steve Jobs, Blackberry breaking forever due to the incompetence of everyone in Slough, X Factor being a bit more rubbish this year, Beyonc? not being pregnant, and Rihanna being a babe.
These are the majestic wide reaching array of things that have happened over the weeks that this wondrous column has been leaving your lives empty, cold, and in dire need of videos set to music that are laced with apathy, tits, and guns.
Just to hit home that it really is the end of the world, Jordan gave a speech at Oxford ? glad you didn't go now – University which was shorter than the umbilical cord which you definitely would have tried to strangle yourself with; let's get down to business.
If you're on Twitter and hate yourself, then you probably follow Tyler The Creator who feels the need to write his stark anti-capitalist political statements in capitals. You may have been prompted to riot, as swathes of us were, by such classics as, ?NIGGUH WHATS GOOD?? Recently you may have seen feminist gem, ?BITCH SUCK DICK,? which is coincidentally rather similar to his totally non misogynistic single ?Bitch Suck Dick? which has a video out and, yes, it's every bit as terrible as it sounds.
But hey, if people will buy a song which consists of a young man saying, ?swag, swag, punch a bitch,? then you can probably make a few bob with that crap novel you work tirelessly on in a more niche less upmarket version of Starbucks (tool).
This collage of crass tastes is styled as numerous television channels featuring Tyler and his friends Taco and Jasper and a man who appears to be the more homeless looking version of Morgan Spurlock who just smokes shirtless and aggressive into your screen. If anyone here is a bitch sucking dick, it is him.
Taco spends his portion of the video crafting the Underachievers Guide to Heston?s Christmas Cooking, to entice you into eating his slab of raw pig. He first coats it in a plethora of herbs, before dousing in Corona, and finally crushing with his arse. Tasty.
Hey! Have you seen the Children In Need official single yet?
The, dully titled, Collective is, er, a collective of entertainments dregs coming together, all of whom flee Radio 1Xtra to ruin a perfectly good (if not overused) Massive Attack song. The video, my God, my God the video… features Wretch 32, Tinchy Stryder, Tulisa and a whole bunch of other no-marks all frowning before black and white images of children in various states of decomposition.
Oh Ed Sheernan is there too with his ginger mop top drawing giant love hearts all over the shop. Deciding to turn up his furrowed brow for a bit is Gary Barlow who does absolutely bugger-all for anybody other than look sad a bit.
Plenty of brilliant videos by the likes of Bjork, Fucked Up, Metronomy, Girl, and many more were released recently, but then we thought you might be more inclined to learn Nas has a video for the simply titled ?Nasty? out right now and your peepers haven't even seen it yet.
The conclusion of this three minutes is that Nas has the best life ever!? He drinks Remy Martin, which is Brandy for you cheapskates, smokes large cigars, rides around in massive limos draped in girls and ice, and hands his rings to children in the streets.
See? This is what the sorry Children In Need kids should have around.? Nas is just a walking enigma and clearly an excellent rapper who connects with the people or his subjects as he likes to refer to them and he has made a fan out of this Sprayer.? The odyssey begins here.
Enjoy your tragic existence for another week snot buckets.
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