The older you get, the more people forget about you and try to blank out any communication with you. And when you get really old and become totally useless and just end up shitting yourself all day, you get sent to a special home where you are confined in the company of other bedwetters and ramble on about the time when you can remember how cheap everything was back in the good old days.
However, there is one old bag who hasn’t been forgotten about. Some people would even go as far as saying she’s a national institution – yes that’s right, the beloved Queen of England is soon to notch up another year on the goalpost and make her big-eared son wait longer to park his arse on the throne. And how can you help celebrate this? Well by signing a giant birthday card, of course. The Sun newspaper is aiming to make history by creating the world’s largest birthday card, and all for the dear old Queen.
The Queen isn't 81 until June 16, but until then you can leave abuse messages telling her how much you love her and how many corgis you own. It’s literally the only thing you’ll have in common. Unless you make frequent visits to America to dine with the president of America.
Chances are our message of “get off your backside and get a bloody job” probably won’t get past moderation. Still, if it does, you can expect to see the Queen with her brush sweeping the streets of Britain until they're fit enough to eat a generous portion of roast swan off.
Hecklerspray wishes we had more people send us things on our birthday – for the fairly good reason that we actually do stuff. But no – The Sun would rather organise a whip-round for a bunch of poshos who think a hard day's work involves a visit to a cheese factory followed by a meal with no less than 18 courses. Let’s face it; the royal family don’t actually do much, do they? All the Queen probably does is sit in front of a very large TV and watch repeats of Jeremy Kyle and Jerry Springer all day. More than likely trying to understand her subjects.
Then there's the ginger-haired runt and third to the throne – Prince Harry, who spends his day pretending to want to go to fight in Iraq when we all know he'd rather spend his days laughing at peasants like us who actually have a purpose in life, all the time poking us with sticks so he doesn’t have to make physical contact with the lower classes. Then there’s Prince William who has become the biggest target for gold-digging women across the world. Of course the tag of being a future Queen means nought if you take his fancy.
The wee princes are, however, having a dodgy concert in memory of their mother, the Divorcee of Wales. Because we’re sure that Pharrell Williams frequently decks himself out in the Union Jack and bows down to his blinged-out royal family shrine in his 572 bedroomed mansion. A chance of some free publicity to make it look like he gives a toss and shift a few more records? Of course not, we obviously have been looking at this the wrong way. He’ll be bopping away with a pot of tea in one arm and a cucumber sandwich in another while screaming “This is for the motherfucking pimp ho bitch nigger Princess Of Wales.” Just how she would have wanted it.
A crappy homemade card wouldn’t have done at all. If you do want to make an old woman happy, however, and confuse her when she tries to work out how she knows you, then visit The Sun's Queen's Birthday page.