PETA Gets The Jump On Beyonce’s Charity Dinner

PETA is a dastardly lot - and when we say dastardly, we mean mostly not retarded. What we should all do is ship them to the Mid-East. Their brain power, ingenuity and resourcefulness would be enough to wrap up that whole war mess inside of a week. So thinks we, anyhow.

PETA somehow has the ability to make themselves seen or heard by about anybody they choose. What if, for instance, they wanted an audience with, say, Beyonce Knowles? What if the former member of Destiny's Child decided to auction off a dinner date for VH1's Save the Music Foundation - surely PETA'd not be brazen enough to make sure they had the winning bid no matter what!

Oh wait, yes they would. They definitely would.

PETA is powerful, especially when they get celebrity name power on their side. Like Pam Anderson for instance. She's getting ready to pose naked in a Stella McCartney London store window for a solid ten minutes - all in the name of bringing minds to the problems of PETA. Yes, yes that will probably work pretty well - and really, it's for a good cause too. hecklerspray's all for less suffering of animals. Except coon dogs - we like to see them squirm.

As we were saying, PETA's cause really isn't questionable, though their celebrity conversion tools might be. There most recent attempt on Beyonce Knowles, for instance, probably won't work all too well. The Beyonce campaign started out with letter writing and what-not, asking her to please not wear real fur on the red carpet. Harmless enough, right?

Then a golden opportunity for a face to face with the starlet arose, and it was way too good to pass up. Beyonce was gonna help VH1 save the music by auctioning off a dinner on eBay - the winning bidder, an unshaven friend that probably smelled like the pine-needle bed she just crawled out of, and Beyonce - all engaged in delightful dinner conversation about how it must be to have Jay-Z call you 'honey-muff' and probably mean it.

The problem with an open auction like that is PETA has money - lots of it. They topped the auction, and soon enough they were there with Knowles saying things like:

"Beyoncé, many of your fans would like to know why you don’t care about how minks, foxes, and chinchillas are gassed, strangled, and electrocuted for vanity and if you might have it in your heart to recognise that fur is not only cheap and tacky but also horribly cruel… Beyoncé, your fans want you to do the right thing for animals who are skinned alive, beaten, and tortured for their fur, so if you won’t accept our DVD, will you please log onto FurIsDead.com to see the video footage that inspired people to write to PETA to help to get you to stop wearing animal skins?"

Yeah, it was a real downer. The DVD they were talking about was one showing animals being electrocuted and drowned for their furs - starring Pam Anderson. They played it for Knowles right there on a portable player. And then they skinned her alive a little bit just to see how she liked it. Well that's what we heard anyway. Some PETA big-wig also said about Knowles:

"She must be truly heartless to be unmoved by the images of foxes being anally electrocuted and minks having their necks snapped."

Well PETA, you don't have to worry about hecklerspray. We've always been anti-anal electrocution, and we end it in its many forms whenever grave misfortune leads us to it. Because we once had a horrible experience on a short-circuiting mechanical bull. We won't bore you with the details. Pass the aloe.

Read more:

Beyonce's Dinner Shock - Sky

[story by Shawn Lindseth]