Interesting results from last night’s People’s Choice Awards – unflinching war drama The Hurt Locker won Best Movie.

That’s a lie. Twilight won Best Movie. Because, you know, it’s the People’s Choice Awards so – unlike the Oscars – it’s voted for by a smattering of clattering idiots as opposed to people who don’t bafflingly equate a movie’s quality with the amount of bad-haired, sad-eyed teenage vampires that can be shoehorned into it.

But why do so many bad things win so many People’s Choice Awards? You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve managed to crack the code. All is revealed below…

We’ve got it. We’ve finally got it. After years of staring dumbfounded at the People’s Choice Awards as Johnny Depp won awards for films he made three years ago, or generic country who are utterly indistinguishable from all other generic country acts won Best Musical Group awards, or American Idol won anything, we think we’ve finally cracked it.

Sure, we may have previously thought that the People’s Choice Awards was just a hollow, meaningless, ephemeral show where mouth-breathing middle Americans simply voted for the thing that had received the most daytime television advertising as opposed to the thing they liked best, but not any more.

As the results of last night’s People’s Choice Awards prove, there’s actually a highly sophisticated algorithm at work here, based on a complex filtration system. Here’s the cast-iron decision-making process behind the People’s Choice Awards voting, along with last night’s winners to back the theory up:

QUESTION ONE: DOES IT DIRECTLY INVOLVE VAMPIRES?

Favourite Movie: Twilight

Favourite On-Screen Team: Twilight

Favourite Franchise: The Twilight Saga

Favourite Breakout Movie Actor: Taylor Lautner

Favourite New TV Drama: The Vampire Diaries

Favourite Sci-Fi Fantasy Show – Supernatural

Favourite TV Obsession: True Blood

If not, move on to question two.

QUESTION TWO: DOES IT INDIRECTLY RELATE TO VAMPIRES?

Favourite Rock Band: Paramore (From the Twilight soundtrack)

Favourite Female Artist: Taylor Swift (Rumoured sort-of girlfriend of Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner)

If not, move on to question three.

QUESTION THREE: CAN THE AWARD BE GIVEN TO SOMEBODY WHO YOU SECRETLY WISH WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Favourite Movie Actress: Sandra Bullock

Favourite Comedy Movie: The Proposal

Favourite Action Star: Hugh Jackman

Favourite Country Artist: Carrie Underwood

Favourite Talk Show: The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Favourite TV Drama Actress: Katherine Heigl

Favourite TV Drama Actor: Hugh Laurie

Favourite TV Drama: House

If not, move on to question four.

QUESTION FOUR: CAN THE AWARD BE GIVEN TO SOMEONE A FEW YEARS PAST THEIR BEST BUT AT LEAST YOU’VE HEARD OF?

Favourite Comedic Actor: Jim Carrey

Favourite Male Artist: Keith Urban

Favourite R&B Artist: Mariah Carey

Favourite Hip-Hop Artist: Eminem

If not, move onto question five.

QUESTION FIVE: CAN YOU VOTE FOR ANYONE BECAUSE YOU HEARD YOUR KIDS MENTION THEM A COUPLE OF TIMES AND YOU THINK THAT VOTING FOR THEM WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MORE ATTENTIVE PARENT?

Favourite Independent Movie: Inglourious Basterds

Favourite Pop Artist: Lady Gaga

Favourite Breakout Music Artist: Lady Gaga

Favourite Breakout Movie Actress: Miley Cyrus

Favourite Music Collaboration: Run This Town

Favourite New TV Comedy: Glee

If not, move on to question six.

QUESTION SIX: HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYTHING TO JOHNNY DEPP YET?

Favourite Actor: Johnny Depp

There. Now we’ve solved this puzzle for you, you need never watch another People’s Choice Awards ceremony ever again. If you’re going to thank us, thank us with cash.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter