Today, I fell madly in?love with Patton Oswalt. He has long been one of my favorite comedians, and his sincere and touching words following Monday’s bombing in Boston?had him on my mind.?Then, just a few hours ago, he?posted?a video outtake from his upcoming appearance on Parks and Recreation … and he made my life complete. It’s magic from start to finish.
In the video, Patton plays a character?attempting to block a city council vote by?filibuster, and he does so by outlining,?in remarkable detail, his vision for a Star Wars sequel.?It’s?eight-plus minutes of?perfect, fast-paced nerd-speak … part college lecturer, part complete lunatic … showcasing an insane, encyclopedic knowledge of Star Wars, Avengers, and X-Men.
Hopefully J.J. Abrams watches?this video?and?takes careful notes, because a few of Patton’s (character’s) ideas are pure gold. A few are?pretty obvious, like Luke is now a Commander and a full Jedi Knight … of course, he is … but others are unexpected and truly inspiring, like Boba Fett not actually dying the Sarlacc?Pit, and Chewie being decapitated but returning to life?with a robot/spider body and?attached ion cannons.
“I don’t want you guys bummed out ’cause Chewbacca’s not dead … he will come back.”
Sadly, in this version of the much-anticipated sequel, Han and Leia’s marriage?is going through a rough patch. Patton details a key scene, which brilliantly sets up a tragic and complicated love triangle.
“Now, it looks like [Princess Leia and Lando Calrissian are] just having a very intense meeting about trade regulations?… but then suddenly when the rest of the council meeting leaves, they fall into each other’s arms! Oh my God, Lando Calrissian and Princess Leia?are having an affair! …?Lando Calrissian was like ‘Hey, if I’m gonna lose the Millenium Falcon to you, I’m gonna take your woman.’ And he has.”
Lest you feel constrained by the limits of this galaxy, Patton’s vision for the movie?crosses over to the Marvel Universe. How is this possible, you may wonder? Well,?it’s thanks to?Thanos who can link the universes and realities simply by?holding the Infinity Gauntlet’s Reality Gem. C’mon. Obviously.
On Monday, Patton brightened the days of lots of distraught Americans with his well-timed and forthright words about his belief in humanity. But if that wasn’t enough to fill your wretched heart to overflowing … and you’re a huge nerd … then this video will definitely do the trick.