We’ve all been to a wedding, haven’t we? Well, here at hecklerspray we have attended many of the weddings of creepy, affected Michael Jackson fans and creepy, affected Beliebers who met as a direct result of their not being able to take a joke.
Of course these weddings are all jelly and ice-cream affairs with two songs played on repeat. Let’s say- for argument’s sake- that shit one by Justin Bieber and the other shit one that the dead guy did with Akon from beyond the grave.
Generally though, weddings are a bit of a laugh. Admittedly one has to sit through the bone-crushing boredom of the ceremony behind two people who are statistically more likely to get divorced in a blaze of tears and other people’s bodily fluids than they are to live happily, professing their undying love for one another until the day that they eventually pop off this mortal coil, safe and sound in their beds like that bit at the end of that crap Robin Williams film. After that, however, it’s on to the food and watching friends and relatives get apocalyptically drunk until a spinster aunt bursts into tears at the first rendition of ‘Angels’. Good fun for all.
It makes us wonder exactly how the Royal Family can claim to be on the same plain as the rest of us. Admittedly, a more dysfunctional family wedding you’re unlikely to find, but, we somehow doubt that the emotional outpouring of an entire country of credulous morons bleating about the cultural significance of two people getting married will allow this wedding to be anything more than a hideous sideshow.
Of course, enough has been said about the impending Royal wedding already to render that entire previous paragraph redundant but little has been made of the reception. Somehow we doubt that ‘Wills’ and ‘K8’ will hire either a Runrig tribute band or hecklerspray chief whip Mof Gimmers to play records at the celebration of their nuptials. Instead a plethora of world famous stars (and Kerry Katona) are likely to throw their hats into the ring to play the gala bash.
The first of these is Sean Coombs, AKA Diddy, AKA P Diddy, AKA Puff Daddy, AKA The Honey Monster who told The Daily Star that he would love to play the Royal Wedding reception. hecklerspray sources have informed us that the only payment he would seek is a full set of commemorative china whereas Elton John was looking for top-billing (above the bride and groom) and a 200 page spread in the Daily Express with an extra 50 page feature on the individual tears of the crowd during ‘Candle in the Wind’.
Unfortunately for Diddy his long-running feud with The Queen, AKA The Queen, might scupper his attempts to be involved in the celebrations.
Ever since their falling out over the liner credits on “The Saga Continues…” in which he referred to the monarch as an “overbearing German witch”, the Queen has been unwilling to hear Diddy’s apologies. Reports suggest that she turned the rapper away from Buckingham Palace this week after he dropped by to clear the air by offering her a copy of his latest LP.
So will Diddy be playing the royal wedding to a bemused, mostly inbred crowd?
No. Probably not. But why shouldn’t a deluded multi-millionaire record producer and raconteur be allowed to dream his dreams?
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