Celebrities! Ha! One thing you can count on is that, at some point in their ultimately worthless lives, they’ll decide that fulfilment lies in family. Settling down with a partner and having children and buying a dog and making soup. It’s there in the dull things that they’ll find spiritual enlightenment.
They’ll probably start doing bloody yoga as well and really getting into charity, never making a decent film or record again. Good art never came from a contented place.
And so, the latest celebrity we’ve lost is Natalie Portman who has given birth to a millipede with her fianc? Benjamin (who has the surname of Millepied if you’re wondering where this insect joke is coming from). And what awful name have they bestowed on this poor little many legged sod?
Well, this little vomiting grunt has been given the name Aleph, which sounds like someone trying to talk with three large marbles stuck under their tongue.
So why this particular stupid name?
Well, Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, which is like calling your child Alpha. Or Alf Alfa from The Little Rascals.
Of course, like all writers who don’t know a damn thing about such matters, we went to Wikipedia to find out more.
Apparently, Aleph derives from the West Semitic word for “ox”. So this child is a millipede/ox hybrid. Jeeeeez. Imagine pushing one of those out. Get a good picture of it in your head.
It’s also derived from the verb “le’alef” which means, in terms of pets, ‘tamed’ or ‘house trained’. That’s something at least. If you’re going to have a freak child, at least it won’t mess up that lovely rug you bought to really tie the room together.
Anyway, nice knowing you Natalie. At least you left us with that lesbian scene from Black Swan.
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