Girls Aloud are love machines and they?ll make you jump for their love. After being hastily hacked together on Popstars The Rivals, they have went on to achieve all sorts. Remember the male equivalent, One True Voice? Nope, us neither, we expect them to have slithered back to their jobs as council workers or forging a career as club singers.
After looking at the failed formula for The Spice Girls, Girls Aloud was moulded in to the perfect pop band. Dominating the charts for years they've have only since broke off to forge differing fortunes.
Sarah Harding does ropey films, Kimberly seems to do bugger all, The Ginger One launched her own make-up range, Cheryl became the nation?s sweetheart and recently, Nadine Coyle decided to launch her own solo career. Has it been a success? Judging by her debut single bombing in at number 26, we?ll say no.
Fortunes never favoured poor Nadine Coyle; this is only her first attempt at releasing solo material.
Her band counterpart and technical rival, Cheryl Cole has had years of experience to woo the public in to buying her empty sounding songs.
So what can Nadine do to boost sales and at least have a more successful solo career than Mel B? Let us help you out:
1. Get A Criminal Conviction
Yes, it was back in the early Girls Aloud days, but Cheryl Cole isn't the dimple faced crying machine we know and love her for. Conveniently, her conviction for assault against a toilet attendant has been brushed under the carpet, but that doesn't matter, she's a judge on the X-Factor and part time immigration officer! But why get Nadine to do this? Well look at Kerry Katona and the late Jade Goody, you might do something stupid like taking cocaine or saying racist comments, but it doesn't matter. The PR machine will work overtime to make you look like a saint.
2. Marry Some Sort Of Idiot Sportsman
Nadine is currently engaged to the sportsman Jason Bell who plays American Football, i.e. a softer version of rugby. Cheryl Cole was married to Chelsea and England footballer Ashleigh Cole who didn't quite treat his Geordie princess to endless supplies of Brown Ale and stottie bread. Instead he cheated on her countless times and sent pictures of himself to other women. Because of his gentlemanly antics, he became the nation?s villain and Cheryl Cole gained sympathy from all corners of the world. Surely they?ll be some sort of plastic looking cheerleader to catch Jason Bells eye.
3. Contract An Ironic Illness
You mightn?t like Cheryl Cole for her singing, previous antics or the fact she cries like a tap, but even we can't be rude about her charity work. For Red Nose Day, she and other so called famous people climbed Kilimanjaro to help raise money to battle malaria. Ironically, this is the same disease that nearly killed Cheryl Cole. Based on Ireland?s heritage, we assume that their fondness for stout has resulted in a few sickly livers and orange peel noses. Granted, not as glamorous or deadly as malaria, but still a pain in the arse for Nadine Coyle to contract and get to grips with on a daily basis.
These solutions may help the problem that Nadine Coyle is finding, but then again she has kind of screwed herself over, as The Daily Mail kindly informs us:
?Over the past few weeks, Ms Coyle has been travelling around the UK and Ireland promoting her single Insatiable and the album of the same name, having signed an exclusive deal with Tesco to sell her album.?
Granted, Cheryl Cole does have the monster that is X-Factor behind her to back publicity wise, but signing yourself up to just one shop? That isn't going to help at all. Young girls hang in city centres at the weekend, not in Tesco down the baked goods aisle.
Perhaps Tesco confused her with fellow Irish singer and X-Factor contestant, Mary. It seems the perfect tie in deal for her and she has a guaranteed job to go back to when she eventually gets kicked off the show due to not having popstar looks, vocal range, sex appeal and dance moves.
In a statement to disguise her disappointment, Nadine said:
?I’m not battling anyone for the top spot and I don’t see myself as being in competition with anyone.?
As it stands, Nadine is at number 26 with her single ‘Insatiable’. Let's push her up the charts or at least make sure she doesn't fall out the top forty altogether. Or just not bother.
It’s up to you really.
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