Girls Aloud are really, really irritating. The collective members mooch about the place either getting drunk or catching tropical diseases which no-one catches unless they’re thickly moustachioed Victorian explorers smuggling rare creatures into the hold of a creaking ship.
Then, just while they’re really boring you half stupid, they go and release a really great pop single and all is forgiven… until the next eye-dryingly boring piece of tittle-tattle hits the gossip columns.
And of course, we’re here to continue the sorry sequence of events… although, this isn’t some muttered tale about one of the girl group falling out of a taxi after downing three bottles of Malibu, but rather, a strong whiff of a band split. Yessum. Nadine Coyle looks like she may have quit Girls Aloud.
Apparently, Nadine is already referring to her time in Girls Aloud as “the past” and has vowed never to perform as part of the toppermost of the poppermost fivesome ever again.
The Mirror is hooting with scoopy glee:
“Nadine?s moved on. She loved her time but feels lately things changed dramatically.
“She doesn't intend to ?perform with them again and is openly telling pals she's no longer part of the band. She talks about being with them in the past tense. It's like a new chapter in her life is beginning ? the future is her solo career.”
Of course, this rumour is nearly as old as the band itself, with everyone eyeing up Nadine as the first to jump ship. Naturally, with whole teams of people whispering in her ear about her being The Voice of the band (which, incidentally, she isn’t. For the most part, their voices are so weak that all five need to sing at once to give the impression of one adequate voice – not that there’s anything wrong with that as such), she’s had a foot-pump taken to her ego and now finds herself at the point of bursting like a cheap air-bed.
The Mirror’s mole continues:
“Nadine swears she's tried to get in touch with them all but not heard anything back. They?ve grown apart. With the amount of animosity they have against her now it would be almost impossible for them to regroup. She has to make her solo career her ?priority.”
This all reeks of the closing days as Take That being a fivesome, which means that we can look forward to Coyle Doing A Robbie Williams, which effectively means, releasing a handful of popular records and gradually breaking down in public and becoming ever dependent on a variety of pharmaceuticals before appearing like a bloated, hallowed husk before her former band mates in the hope that a lucrative reunion tour might be on the cards.
Fans of the band will invariably look at Nadine and feel that she’ll be fine, but it is only a matter of time before she ends up glassy eyed and emotionally dead and forges a career in Vegas in a long gown and the wholesome charm of Barry Manilow’s eerily still face. Good news for braying critics like us, bad news for anyone wanting a load of fun records to listen to.