Welcome one and all to the much anticipated return of Movies From Beyond. It’s been a while and in the last year or so we have continued to watch some of the best worst b-movies, cult classics and horrortastic exploitation so you don’t have to…
…unless you want to see what happens when a man with a voice like a duck goes mad with a knife (‘New York Ripper’) or when an Army experiment escapes and eats a load of people (‘Sharktopus’) yes, you read that right, it’s a shark crossed with a octopus!
Now, what would you do if you saw a sex offender, dressed like Santa, knocking one out whilst watching kids in a playground? Oh, what’s that you say? Blow his face off with a 20 gauge? Well that’s exactly what screen legend Rutger Hauer (‘Blade Runner, The Hitcher’) does in the fantastically bonkers ‘Hobo With A Shotgun‘, the latest fake trailer (and SXSW winner) from ‘Grindhouse’ to get an expansion after ‘Machete’ saw release.
The story is pretty simple: a town is being terrorized by a crime lord and his two sons, one of which looks a lot like Tom Cruise circa ‘Risky Business’. Our anti-hero just happens to roll up on a freight train like Seasick Steve and after a few days bum-fighting.
Of course, he decides to go all ‘Death Wish’ and sort this mess out.
Naturally, if a town is going to be cleaned up, we need lots of violence and, in this grot-fest, the level of gore is particularly impressive in it’s cartoonishness. Did Jason Eisner watch a lot of Roadrunner cartoons as a kid?. Even accounting for our warped taste in movies, we were NEARLY put off our kebab when a school bus full of kids were incinerated with a flamethrower… not to mention the section which sees a tramp’s head becoming the meat in a bumper car sandwich.
It’s gloriously dumb and gets two severed thumbs up from us.
Also in the tape deck is a bit of cult classic in the style of ‘The Goonies’ and ‘The Lostboys’ which, if you are a child of the 80’s, will hold a place in your black, black, heart.
We settled down with ‘The Monster Squad‘ from ’87 (think ‘Super 8’ but better… MUCH better). The set-up is pretty standard – a bunch of kids are in their tree-house and they’ve got a club and a cause. No, they’re not saving the Goon Docks but rather, saving their town from some classic cinema monsters.
The usual suspects like Dracula, The Mummy and ‘Frankenstein’s Monster are in town, but of course the stupid grown ups don’t believe them until it really kicks off. The kids step up to the plate and display some of the ghoulish skills they learned from wasting their time with ‘those damn horror magazines’.
It’s a little tricky to find on DVD but is often hiding on movie channels and worth seeking out, only to hear the classic line ‘Aww, man, fat kid farted!‘
‘Til next time, creeps.
This article was tapped out by the depraved imbecile Simon Woodley with one scabby finger.
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